bitter sweet birthday....

today is my birthday... it was a lovely day... last night i celebrated with angel, glug and some friends... it was exceptionally jolly i have to say... we toasted each and every one of you shits that couldn't be there!... angel wore the most beautiful angel wings you can imagine... she looked beautiful... a cross between a naughty angel and a sweet ballerina type of effort!!!.... and glug... you rock boet!!!...oh i just have to say that they make a stunning couple...!!!!

today i was surrounded by my family, the ones nearest and dearest to me... my parents, my brother, my sister, their spouses and a bunch of offspring produced by us all.... two of those of course my two boys...my mom took them shopping to get me a present...she left it totally up to them...and they bought me the two most hideous horse statues that i will treasure forever and always... they were so proud and i was so grateful... they love me... what bigger gift can i ever ask for?

i received many calls from friends and family... but birthdays always has a bitter sweet melancholy attached to it, why i have never figured out... so i will be glad that this day has been spent and gone... don't get me wrong it really was a great day... maybe it's the thought that one more year has been dropped into the ocean of life...never to be seen again, i really don't know... but there it is, i'm now at the wrong side of thirty...fuck...

one thing that has been particularly bitter sweet for me today has been the fact that my very best friend in the whole wide world has again forgotten my birthday... ouch... she's like that...but still... it's no fun for me to remind her of my birthday every year... and then still forgets to pick up the fucking phone....and i decided not remind her today... we spoke two days ago on the phone... she promised to come to my birthday party... and she never pitched... why the fuck not? ...double ouch.... she didn't even bother to let me know that she couldn't come... i would have understood...it's just a party after all... instead of being angry i'm just sad... she knew i wanted her there... to be told tomorrow that she forgot would just be a slap in my face... so dear best friend of mine, why do you do this to me... i waited the whole day for you to phone... and you just...didn't...i disappoint so very easily you see...

this time of year...

firstly...thanks greg for my header... you sure are sweet, thank you!!

secondly, please don't think that i don't bother putting spaces between my paragraphs... i do... and then blogger decides in it's infinite wisdom to take them away... so it looks like a long post without any breaks... i've tried everything but nothing work.... all of you will prob only read this post next year... i wasn't going to post until next year but then i couldn't help myself...what's new right?

in two days it will be christmas... can't wait... i love everything about christmas, the kids squealing when they get their presents... family together... it doesn't get any better for me than that... i just hope the kids like what santa got them... santa sure spent all "his" money on them so i'll cross my toes and hope for the best... so after christmas it's my birthday on the 29th... looking forward to much pampering... and then it's the new year... i have a good feeling about the new year... it sure can only get better from here on!

everybody usually gets all hyped up this time of year, new year's resolutions that's inevitably broken or conveniently forgotten... i make a point of never making any new years resolutions... they're like rules...and you know all about rules right...

they're meant to be broken...

so i've changed the rules... i reflect...not on the past year but on me... things that i know that's important but that i conveniently neglect because well they take more effort... so each new year i try a little harder at certain things... discipline really... cause discipline is quite a difficult thing for me... it's not that i'm lazy... maybe a little i won't lie... but certain things just comes easier to me than certain other things... like friendship or being a mom...those things come naturally to me, i don't have to think or try to do them, i want to do them.... but other things...oer, that's a whole different kettle of fish right there...and i don't like fish much....

so my first thing i need to discipline myself with is smoking... i'm not going to quit smoking, i've made peace with that, who knows maybe one day i'll surprise myself...but for now i need to discipline myself to just smoke less... see much less daunting... and i'm actually going to do it... like three years back i started running... something i never thought i would be able to do....and who knew, i love running... it started with walking around the block... and 3 months later i was up every morning at 5 clocking 4 km's with a smile on my face.... planning to finish my first half marathon soon... but then life got in the way... i moved, circumstances changed, i couldn't run on the road like i love, i have to go to the gym to my beloved treadmill now to run...and i'm limited to 20 minutes every day... but it's all i have now so i'll make the most of it...this year i plan to discipline myself to run a 5km fun run...and if i do that i'll do another one.... see much better than to decide to do a marathon and never even attempting it cause it's just too big....

another thing i'm going to do this year is to have more fun... this may sound silly to you but... blah blah blah it's a long story... i need to nurture my inner child more... shrinks orders... out of all the time i spent with her, for the short while i did, that's the one thing that stuck... doesn't that sound good... teehee...so my inner child wants to go horse riding more often, she wants to do drumming this year...angel i'll hold you to that one doll!...

small things that you people probably do every single day of your life...but for me it doesn't come so easily... the adult and parent in me takes over most of the time... just to survive...i am a full time mommy with a plate overflowing with responsibilities... and i tend to work too hard at keeping that plate manageable...and i will still do that... but i plan to enjoy more of my off time... i've found myself again since my divorce... i've found that i'm a fun person... who likes herself... who likes the world that i live in... that have so many things to be grateful for it's overwhelming... so if i could give myself a big slobbery excited puppy kiss i would...ha...it does feel good...

another discipline for me this year will be to save money... i want to take a decent december holiday vacation, just me and the boys... and i know i can save enough to do that... i must just roll in the discipline some... and hide my credit card, which i already have, i've even asked the bank to take off the link from my current account... it's so stupid i know... but thus is the way this old noggin thinks...

also there is one last thing i intend to pursue this year.... i know a lot of you are atheists or agnostic...but i'm not... i am a spiritual person... and i miss something... can't quite put my finger on it... but i know where to find it... and i need to expose my babies to the things that i hold dear to my heart... hey dudes i've long past the stage where i'm worried what people may think of my beliefs... if you're not true to yourself, you're not true to anybody... so i'm going to be a whole lot more true to myself f this year... and that makes me smile... ahoy maties...good times ahead...!!

note: see all my paragraphs...gone...fuck

news flash!!!!!!!!!!

i'm on holiday...and i actually...hold on to your seat.... will be taking a break (for the rest of december) with my blogging... i may still read some of your stuff...although i can't promise... i need to do some normal person stuff... like reading... yeah actual books... among other things...so i'll be back bright eyed and bushy tailed...in the new year ... so i'll check you then ok?

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!

angel and i will be having our birthday party together, her birthday is the 28th and mine the 29th...we'll be having ourselves a teeny weeny little party....on the 28th at firkin in centurion...if any of you have enough guts to come on over for the night...it'll be such a jol!!!... but if you are paranoid beyond belief...well what can i say...

any questions please email me... fanfuckingtastic then!

have a good christmas, i'm going to...!!!!!

letter to 13 year old self...

hey sweet pea!

i'm...you are...almost 36 now, yes isn't that just fucking awful, but believe me 36 is not ancient, it goes so quick you won't believe...so here are some pointers i thought you should pay attention to....

oh my word girl...have you never heard of tweezers... and that hairstyle... mwhahahahahahahha.... seriously make a plan ...your older self has a very short hairstyle... it suits you...don't hesitate cutting your hair...you won't look like a golly wog i promise!!!

so besides the eyebrows and the horrendous hair-do you are such a sweet innocent little thing it's actually frightening...we should have called guiness book of records cause you had to hold some kind of record for being the most naive girl ever... don't trust everybody, people lie just because they can...yes they do... it's not nice and it doesn't mean you lie too so stop hyperventilating! ...but hey.... unfortunately you don't get to make all of the rules... shocker that one i know... close your mouth, get over it and move on....

life is not so evil and frightening as you feared... getting puke drunk actually is as awful as you imagined and yes you did get puke drunk a few times in your life... remember that day when you were horribly shocked when your friend offered you a cigarette and you said: i will never smoke! well, never say never...

first humongous mistake of your life: you will meet the sexiest piece of man in about three years...run for dear life...he will turn out to be the guy you fall horribly in love with... you will stay loyal to this asshole for a total of 18 years... he will break your heart into ten million pieces... and you'll never quite be the same again... falling for him is really a huge mistake... but on the other hand he gave you two beautiful boys...yes darling you'll have two boys..!!!!! they are wonderful and funny and the greatest things that's ever happened to you... maybe hang around to get your babies... but guard your heart, all the stuff he tells you are lies, don't believe him ok...you know it's all a heap of shit...don't believe him...as soon as you pop number two...run baby run...

second most humongous mistake of your life:...you should have listened to your daddy and gone to university...really that was a stupid ass thing to do...just go for heavens sakes...i'll forgive you your bad taste in men if you do this one thing for me...

another thing...don't fret too much about your daddy... he actually loves you dearly and will prove this fact so many times later on in life that you will not believe it when it happens... he's busy...don't take this so personally....he'll make up for it, i promise...

you have wonderful friends and a family sent straight out of heaven...cherish and love them... you won't get through life without them, that i promise you... try to work on your relationships with your two brothers...you sorta loose them along the way, it's a sad thing to loose a brother, and to loose two...you didn't do anything wrong there...they just moved on and forgot that they have a family, shit happens...but if you can do anything to prevent this, do something... you'll miss them always!

take more chances, laugh with your mouth wide open, get into trouble ...and don't worry about what anybody thinks about you...their opinions can't be trusted anyway... follow your gut and you'll be fine... you are stronger than you think, trust me on that...

oh yes, last thing, when you're about 33 you'll meet a guy that will kiss you and your legs will literally buckle...that should be the sign.... DO NOT LET HIM OUT OF YOUR OFFICE... you will regret that forever.... you need to shag that man right there and then... you hyperventilating again??....relax...sex is goooooooooood!!!

no regrets ok!

cool bananas babe... rock your world!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simply Curious tagged me and i'm supposed to TAG some other unsuspecting souls...

Lee (nosjunkie)!!!!

Angel (only if you wanna!)

and anyone else who feels the urge, i would have written this even if nobody tagged me!

counting sheep...or rowing sheep...i dunno

it is now 59 minutes past midnight...why would i write a post at this hour you may ask...well i overdid the gym this morning just a tad...all i did after my usual run was 5 minutes...5 fucking minutes people...of rowing... i've tried to figure out why this would make such an impact on my muscles...those muscles would be the ones at the back of my legs... i really don't know what they're called and quite honestly i don't give a rat's ass at this point...all i know it hurts like hell... it looks like i have a broomstick stuck up my ass...and i've come to the conclusion that on some level that may somehow even be more comfortable than what i'm going through... i can't sit...i can't stand... i can't lie down... the only pain relief is lying in a hot tub...but that i can't do all day now can i.... sheesh.... everybody thinks i'm a big baby, exaggerating, but i shit you not... this is taking pain to a whole new level...i know... who knew 5...yes five measly minutes of hard rowing could cause this... and to those who wondered...i'm sure gonna row again... great work out... taking cardio to a whole new level...that is if i can ever bend my legs again...so i'm in pain... i can't sleep... i can't do anything... do you know how many of your leg muscles you use to sit and get up from a toilet...dear Lord i almost didn't get up... i had to pull myself up after a pep-talk yelping...eina...eina...eina... and then hopping away pathetically with my stick legs... so laugh if you want to.... it's real silly i know... i just wish i could fall asleep...come to think of it this chair is quite comfortable... maybe i should just sleep in this chair...and sing myself to sleep... row row row your boat...

rice crispy love ...

oh my greatness...my first day on holiday was just fucking awful.... first i went to the gym and totally overdid it....when i got to the car...and i lifted my left leg to swing it into the car...i only lifted it about 10 centimetres off the ground....it so i basically fell into the car....my legs truly numb!....after that i went to renew my driver's licence...where are the days that you got your licence when you're 18 and just never go back to that awful place??...five years goes way too quick for my taste....stood in a cue for 3 hours...i kid you not...had my eyes tested...i passed with flying colours...and off i went...one day miserably wasted...ha...the pace that place works at is quite ridiculous...there are hundreds of people and nothing happens quickly...my back started aching...my legs started aching...i didn't remember to bring my smokes...oh man it was just one hectic disaster....

i was telling kay about chemistry the other day...you know the kind that you get when you're totally into someone... and he didn't get it...had no idea what his freakish mother was on about....and today we had the perfect learning moment in the cue in front of us...there was this sweet nineteen year old girl in front of us, by the end of the day i knew her whole life story...she knew mine and we promised to stay in touch...you know that type of effort...anyway... her boyfriend arrived about half way through our ordeal for a quick hello...and it was just like...

snap...

crackle...

pop...!!!!

fireworks between the two of them...young love!

me and the boys were standing like right there behind them ... so right there my son got his first lesson in chemistry... we witnessed that gut~wrenching~excitement~bubbling~over~right~there in front of us...

it was beautiful..! there's nothing that can compare to that don't you think...i am such a useless romantic it's just pathetic...anyway on the way home i asked kay... you just witnessed the magic of chemistry dude...did you check that???... he got this smile on his face and said...i sure did mom... that was way cool!

D Day!

today is my last day at work....or not...if i finish everything i will be doing just the necessary for the next month...four weeks....bliss...i will post regularly from home... till when are you guys working?



i'm not going anywhere this year and although i hate staying when everybody's going off to the coast...i don't really mind to stay at home ...so don't feel too sorry for me...i'll survive... and then some!

4 hours...50 minutes and counting!!!

here's some stuff i want for x mas...

the toilet gadget especially appeals to me...i'm sure all the ladies would love one of those!

mwhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahaha!

i know everybody's always groaning that they don't like clones...but really...this joke is fucking brilliant...mwhahahaha....see i laughed again, that's after i've read it like...10 times....

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet .

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"

see.........whahahahahahahahaha...oh...oh...oh....that's funny!

46664

i watched some of the 46664 concert on tv saturday night... for you guys that don't know... 46664 is an african response to the global HIV AIDS epidemic that invites the whole world to take the fight in hand... the number 46664 was Nelson Mandela's prison number on robben island...ok...

so i was feeling a bit down and out, some sort of bug got hold of me...some would think it was just babellas, but i think i actually had some sort of bug...or maybe food poisoning...anyway 46664 is all about aids...it made me think...i wrote a post on dating a while back and still this issue stays an issue for me...i live in africa...i see aids every day... i hear of aids every day... i'm encouraged to eat garlic for goodness sakes.... it's really a in your face kind of thing... and maybe because my ex was such a man whore and after i realised that he could actually have aids... and that subsequently i could actually have it too....it dawned on me...this epidemic does not discriminate against color, race or status, it will slap you right in the face... its fact...i had to be present at the doctors appointment for our gardeners hiv test, he was very sick and we then asked his permission to have him tested... and he was HIV positive... i cannot tell you how that moment made an impact on me...it was so real and honest and it shook me to the core...so don't really know what my point is... just that like the motto of 46664 says...

it's in our hands... be careful and be safe...ok?

on a lighter note i have to tell you about my first hiv test...i actually went to the doctor cause i suspected that i had a piece of glass in my heel... long story i was moving and of course broke something and also never wear shoes... so i had to step in the glass...bladi bladi bladi blah.... so my dad...bless his soul... insisted that i should have it checked out... and if nothing else to get a injection for foot and mouth...just to be safe... he's like that...so off i hopped to the nearest doctor who turned out to be the fucking hunk of the century...he had no wedding ring on so i was totally enjoying my doctor's appointment...there was some unfortunate realities i couldn't get away from...like i was working in my garden and didn't bother to scrub my feet...so there i was lying with my sweet ass in the air and the doctor going at it with my foot...and the two dirtiest feet you've ever seen...he insisted that there was no glass embedded into my heel...and i kept on telling him, doc...check again...seriously it's painful...and during this examination...we chatted away like nobody's business...he was actually flirting with me...and i needless to say lapped this up like the cute puppy i am...so i was aware that my time was limited with this guy...and even though it was such fun him poking at my foot with a scalpel... i maybe have to make it clear that i was not attached... and ready and willing to have him have his way with me... i mean... take me out any time... so we were chatting after he bandaged me up...and i said it...the only thing i could think of to make sure... beyond a shadow of a doubt... that he would know that i was not married... so i said...

will you please test me for HIV, my ex really screwed around and i just wanna be on the safe side...

fuck i think that was a passion killer right there...needless to say he didn't have his way with me... he did however take the time, after he got the results, to phone me and personally tell me that i should not fear a day longer... the dreaded killer wasn't lurking around in my veins...he was so cute...sigh...he can be glad i moved otherwise i would have bothered him with all sorts of gynecological problems...i'm a sick puppy... excuse me i think i still have that bug...

end of the year rush....!!!

angel, thanks for the award...
i'm flattered!!
i love the lil dragon...

usually... please take note...usually... i'm quite an extra-ordinary personal assistant...i really have 10 arms and 3 heads...but lately instead of organising the heads and the arms... i get forgetful... there are at any given time of my day 3 975 288 things i must do... and in my heyday i could remember every single one of them at any given time ~ day or night... but this year there are 38 978 698 things to remember... and to finish before my h~o~l~i~d~a~y can start!!

the following types of conversation takes place about 20 times every day between me and the boss-woman, i'm getting worried...

boss: have you finished XyZ...

me: XyZ...wtf??

boss: i gave it to you the other day?!

me: you did??? really??? i have no recollection whatso~eva of that ever happening?!

boss: are you kidding me??

me: if you say so, i'll check ok...now go away please!!!

5 minutes later:

me: you did after all give me that XyZ...i need a holiday, it seems that i've completed everything~ but i still can't remember it ever taking place...*cross eyed*

boss: *clapping hands* thank goodness...

me: ok sign here so i can send it of...

boss: what is it...

me: it's the AbC papers you asked for...

boss: when did i ask for those, why would i ask for those...??!!! wtf???

me: you asked me 10 minutes ago.... ok don't worry just stare at the papers for a few minutes i'm sure it'll all come back...

boss: 8 minutes later...here's the doc's...

me: i think we need a holiday boss-woman, and BTW how about a raise??

boss: i'll say yes now but there is actually no guarantee that i will remember this conversation again and there is also no guarantee that you will remember this conversation either when you pay the salaries... so nah...it's not gonna work?! ok? ok!

2 hours later:

boss: where are those XyZ papers...

me: XyZ papers...don't know what you're talking about...

5 days to go....!!!!

five more days before my holiday...oh my word i feel like a kid just thinking about it!!!

i've got one hell of a week ahead of me, but it's all worth it...

just thought i would tell you that i had lunch with the infamous glug yesterday...oh yes i did... i've thought about it, and anything i say will be construed in some or other way... so let me be a lady for once and just this:

you rock glug, i really had a great time!

any questions are welcome...!

he even paid for the lunch...and of course i forgot to thank him, how utterly rude i know... stuff like that can really haunt me...so for the 10th time glug, thanks for lunch!

T~G~I~F!!!!!

the only disability in life is a bad attitude. –

Scott Hamilton...

so don't let me catch you with a bad attitude today, ok....rock on kids, good times !!!!

unsung hero...

her name is gladys...she worked for me for quite a while...back when i was married and had money... she could clean my place like something out of the twilight zone...when she was finished everything looked brand spanking new...but i'm getting side tracked... gladys is the mother of 4 kids and uneducated... but i've never met anyone who has inspired me more... she firstly takes pride in her work... she doesn't care that her job is to clean other people's houses... it's her job and she's proud of it...

she's brought up four very difficult kids, all who has 2.4 illegitimate kids who she also cares for... i always left her food to eat, and every single thing i left her she would take home, to share with her kids and her grand kids, so that nobody goes hungry... she earns minimum wages but still have managed to build herself a house, not a shack, a house with bricks, a proper roof, windows and doors.... gladys become my friend... she is such a cheerful and funny person... an example...

when i had jay i picked up 20 kg with my pregnancy, not a pretty sight right...so when i came out of hospital, bloated, with a huge mummy tummy (lovely picture i'm painting here hehe) with hormones pouring out of every exit they could find... all i wanted to hear was...

that is most beautiful baby in the whole damn world sugar...!!

you did real good...

bless you and let me kiss your feet...

but when gladys saw me the first time...she said, and i quote

“hauw sussie you are really fat now hey?”... after which i promptly burst out in tears...poor gladys felt bad for months after that... but it was the best thing anybody could have said to me... bless her heart... there are so many more gladys's out there in our country, woman who sacrifice their all so that their children can have the future they never had...and gladys my darling, your my hero...you've taught me to be grateful for everything, to smile every day and to do the best you can always...and that is a good lesson to learn don't u think?

new happy face!

don't you think my new face (i know it's called a header) it's just gawwwwgeous.... angel was an angel and helped me, i tend to be totally juiceless with stuff like this! THANKS ANGEL!!!

if you hear a strange exploding noise, that's me...i'm about to explode and just disappear into space...puff....i'm over worked and under paid... what's new pussy cat, i know! another 7 working days until a blissful christmas holiday... i was thinking yesterday, yes it does occur from time to time... Bridget did an interesting post the other day...looking back at the year...and that made me think about my year... the good, the bad and the ugly...

1. i started my year with a bungee jump, that should probably have been some kind of omen me thinks....
2. i started dating again, the bad omen sticking it's ugly head out again... that phase didn't last long... just tell me is there ANY decent guys left out there, besides the gay and the married ones???
3. i struggled with kay at school, thank the dear Lord he's probably going to pass, but still, it was really hectic...
4. my ex started paying maintenance...oh yeah oh yeah...that was spectacular!!
5. i started blogging in july i think and this has totally changed my world... i have to mention all you nanas who's put a solid smile on my dail for every single day since then... angel, glug, lee, will, bridget,sheebee, fish, rabbit, philip, louisa, god wiggly,kyk,mosmozi,curious girl, divine miss m!!!...(hope i didn't miss anyone!)... and then the lurkers out there, i have no fucking clue who you are but i know you're there... thanks everyone for reading my blog, really, i never thought anyone would actually read my blog, so this has been quite an interesting and rewarding journey for me...
6. i've made new friends, which is always great... friendships can never be forced it just happens and spank my sweet ass i've made some extra ordinary blog buddies and some actual real life friends as well!
7. i started running again this year.... running is a passion of mine... i don't run fast or very far but the bits that i have time for makes me dream of better things and i truly think that that me~time makes me a better mom and a overall better person.... i just wish i had more time to run! after all i've got my rockin watch and my running babies begging every day but time is so limited it sucks.
8. i took my beasties on holiday twice this year, in april we flew down to george for a week, and to see the excitement on their faces made it so worth while... i love my kidlets so much it's a bit insane, but they are everything to me, really don't know what i would have done without them!

that's about it... overall it hasn't been the most exciting year of my life, but it's been satisfying in a weird way, i've moved on and for the first time in the longest time i look forward to tomorrow, to next year... the only thing i've missed this year is getting laid, really this cycle has to stop, maybe i should ask santa for a shag-voucher for christmas...teehee...who knows what can happen right!

christmas came early!

i got my watch!!!!! at long forking last.... ain't it just the prettiest thing you've ever seen!!!

i officially now have a crush on this gorgeous piece of watch, my running shoes have moved down to second place....sorry guys

another present we got this weekend, a bike! my boys are over the moon, kay has got the gear changing down but unfortunately poor jay's feet doesn't even reach to the ground.... huge disappointment.... ill have to make some sort of plan to get him going... first i must get enough money together to guy them helmets... it's a really strong little bike, 125cc... it is cc right??? .... anyway you know what i mean... not really into bike lingo... but am really looking forward to play with this little fellow...!!!

i know my garage looks horrible, one of the things i'll have to do december...

my new neighbours...

i have new neighbours...apparently they're lesbians...don't have anything against gay couples ok...i totally enjoy gay men, they are the most entertaining interesting people i've come across...but lesbians??...being a woman...i just get it...isn't that strange, i understand the need for a guy to want to be a woman, but for a woman to want to be a man, why, this just makes no sense at all...the typical lesbian couple usually have a butch girl and a girly girly...my butch neighbour really looks like a guy...impressively so...only when i went over to introduce myself did i see that she is really only a girl who wants to be man... with almost non existent boobs and a very masculine hairstyle and chin... in a way that's sad but hey more power to them right...my new neighbours aren't all that friendly though...i didn't walk into their house and say...ok so i hear your two are lesbians...arching my eyebrows and asking..."so how's that working out for you???"... i made all the smalltalk, and after about a minute it was a done deal... they don't wanna be my friend... many of my previous neighbours are still very good friends of mine... neighbours are the greatest...not only for the odd thing to borrow...in my case it's usually ice...bugger the sugar or the eggs...my ice goes really fast...i like my g&t with lots of ice... anyway... so i think my new neighbours are probably people shy because of their sexual orientation.... which i get... but i'm a nice person...and would like to get to know them but as soon as it even looks like i want to go out of my front door... they run for cover... seriously what's up with that?? my previous neighbour...who's now a good friend by the way...also had this running~ away~thing going for a while but i was so persistent that she was forced to befriend me... i just love a challenge... and i turn out to be a excellent neighbour myself, i have a huge freezer in my garage, and my neighbours each have a shelf to stash their extra stuff in...ok that's just weird but it works for us ...i feed cats and dogs and don't look through their stuff when i house sit...so why they don't even want to give this neighbourly thing a chance, that's just weird... another thing that's quite weird... in the complex where i live all my neighbours, that's 4 units, all of them are woman, single woman...thankfully we have my butch neighbour cause in the face of danger we will have to call on her to take on the baddies... but it's not working out so well, i'll leave them alone from now, give the neighbourly wave as i pass and for the rest... welcome to the neighbourhood girls...!

red letter club

ladies, this one's for you...

Rabbit started a RED LETTER CLUB

now anyone who knows rabbit knows he is a absolute wizard with words...it's really fun, you have no idea how nice it is to get a snail~mail~genuinely~hand~written~on~ paper~kind~of~letter in your postbox!

so do yourselves a favour, pop over to rabbit's blog and email him your postal address, the royal mail service is quite remarkable, you won't wait long...

go on!!

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND Y'LL!!

in pursuit of happiness ...

it's been almost 3 years now since i've made my life changing move, packing my things and with a babe under each arm leaving my old life forever... can't believe it's been 3 years, somehow it feels too short... on the 4th of january i will be celebrating my new anniversary ... divorce day... i remember all important dates in my life, and with huge surprise i realized that for the first time in 18 years i forgot that the 18th of september was the day i met my ex, way back in 1988, and i've remembered that date ever since... unreal...so it's official...i've moved on!

another thing that i did after the divorce was final was to chuck away my wedding albums and to sell my wedding ring... to some this may be a bit extreme but i can't tell you how easily i let go of that... and the money came in handy...!!... ok i kept one picture of my wedding day, of me in my most stunning wedding dress, 19 years old, looking virginal and beautiful...not a fucking clue what utter shit decision i've made...

so this december i will be taking my id document and will be changing my surname back to my maiden name... big step but one that i want desperately... it's the last string i need to cut to be totally my own person again... the people close to me think that because of my kids i shouldn't bother... but it's something that i can't explain to anyone, i want my old identity back, the person i was before i even met him... and my maiden name is way more cool than my married name anyway...so there...

if i ever decide to tie the knot again...firstly the knot will have to be blessed by the bloody pope himself...i don't know... i won't easily get married again... he'll really have to be super special with loads of money and a huge.... nose.... or something... but then i think i'll keep my own surname... the one i got from my daddy... so back to the might-be-getting-married-again-one-day idea.... maybe i'll just live off him and use him for my personal pleasure....yeah i will have to do just that!

so i'll be practising my new signature this december, imagine that, i feel 16 all over again!

guten morgen!

have you noticed that you don't notice someones blog header that you visit regularly... well lemme tell you...people don't.... i've changed my header just for the heck of it for a bit... instead of "divorced with a sweet ass" i changed it to "sweet with a divorced ass" and nobody noticed...why i find this so fascinating i can't tell...my brain chemical balance requires such loony trivial info every now and again to set it's balance of something...i dunno... i just obey the voice in my head... mwhahahah... now i got your attention....!!!

i attended the most delicious dinner party on saturday night... at the house of my best friends' sister in law - they're german... properly so...speaking the german language whenever they have a chance... and of course to me and my friend... the only non-german or un-german...?.... people there...after 2 hours in the hot-tub with g&t's and red wine handed to us by the friendly german folk...we found their accent firstly hilariously funny and with the aid of the wine i'm sure, understood more than we ought to, and we had to try it... ich libbe tante pee... the delightful lady to my left at the dinner table found this piece of endearing love i sent her way quite amusing... i love germans...whey are so wunny.... they know how to party and to sing and to be jolly... my kind of people i tell you... and the food...don't get me started...after last year giving the octoberfest a skip...too many jagermeisters...oy...i was so inspired by them this weekend that i am sure to visit their fest again next year...weiss beer... pretzels.... and strapping blond guys parading their stuff in tight german play suits...good times!!!

auf wiedersehen!!!

Monday love!

hell...it's monday already...where did the weekend go??... anyway... i'm feeling the monday blues in a big scary way today so i thought i would share some love, maybe that'll make me feel all fuzzy inside...i've got high hopes ...

drum roll!!!

dear sweet Lee awarded me (among others)... yes i still can't wrap my head around that one, for the the blog most likely to inspire a pair of pajamas award ...rock on i just love that!! so here is what she said about me:

Sweet ass rsa:In my completely uneducated opinion I would say that sweet as cant decide between silky PJ’S and flannel ones with cow spots on them so I shudder to thing what Sweet ass inspired PJ may look like.Probably hot pants with writing on the but that says “ shut up ~ your looking aren’t you"

lemme just say this, it's absolutely shocking how close she is...spank my ass i'm blown away by such an accurate description!

so here i'm spreading some looooooooooove....

Angel, honey you are one in a million, i think there is no doubt in my mind how you pj's look... you don't wear any! i think i should buy you some flannels for xmas! in the odd case where you do wear some pj's i'm convinced it shall not be the conventional type what~so~eva!!

Glug what kind of sleepwear does a drug dealer use?....hmmm... me thinks you have a boxer thing going plastered with words such as "who's your daddy?!"

Sheebee definitely has a whole drawer full of flannels, definitely with a few odd surprising items thrown in~ i'm sure! the flannels come in handy with sheebee, she tends to step into sloppy wet puddle like packages around her house on a regular basis ... rock on girl, love your stuff!!

ok, people, spread some flannel love today....it's on me!!!

Friday!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, " NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never
argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save
money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre,
never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

THE END

secret code??

i've come across some strange blog talk... or net lingo or basically acronyms... i know a few but sometimes i read a comment or a blog somewhere and think...ok dude i have no fucking idea what you just said...seriously....please repeat in normal words???...while scratching my head, pulling my lip up and arching my eyebrows...

am i really the only one?? please help me out here...

the ones i know...

WTF...love this one...WHAT THE FUCK!!!

LOL...another favourite...laugh out loud

KWIM...know what i mean

OMG...oh my gosh/god

MF.... mother fucker.......just gotta say that again...mooooootheerrrrrrr fuckerrrrrrrr....

anyway...

those are the ones i can think of right now that i know....

but help me out of misery here...what on earth does the following acronyms stand for, if anything?? on the other hand maybe i'm just plain stupid, have to take that into account...hmmm...

BTW....??...be the wanker...what??? i don't get it!

IMAO...??? ...it's my ass only... :p

ROTFLMAO...i'm not even gonna try this one...wtf??

help is needed ....maybe i should call early bird...

changing places

I had another incident at my gym...sigh...unfortunately it wasn't on the treadmill...pity don't you think?...haha...anyway...they were upgrading the changing rooms and thought it best to swap the ladies and the gents for about a month...change is always good but this situation was just bound to stir things up...firstly i don't like changing at the gym...i usually change at work in my own private loo before i leave work...but that day i was late and decided to use the gym's facilities...big mistake...they had someone standing at the changing rooms 24/7 directing the genders...guys changing rooms just smells different ...why i still don't understand...but there it is boys...you smell funny...so there i was sitting down to change into my running gear...i don't like other woman looking at me while i undress...especially strange woman...that's just not on for me...but hey what to do...i could see the other woman were also nervous...nothing like the thought of a strange random guy walking into the changing rooms to make us nervous...i took my time...taking off my shoes at a leisurely pace hoping that the other babes would scoot and get the hell out so that i could change...eventually it was only me and i quickly pulled down my panties...i was looking over my shoulder just to double check when as sure as shit...in walks a guy...my panties around my ankles...oh fuck...i was actually paralyzed with shock...i did not expect this at all...my mouth hung open for about 2.5 seconds before i wailed..

EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the guy walked right up, put his hand on my shoulder and said...

i am a woman...

then turned around and left........

fuck

she was obviously a very butch type of woman....extremely so...this is a true story...i love my gym

weekend fun

got the photo's uploaded...*clapping hands wildly*...ok so the good news is that i uploaded some of my pics, the bad news is they are in the wrong order...tough luck i'm not uploading them again!! oy...

i love motor x...never in my life have i had so much fun as on saturday... i mean really, what more could a girl ask for ... hundreds of dirty bikers hanging around... the amount of testosterone alone was quite impressive, everybody was in a good mood ready to kick some ass.. i don't know what it was, maybe i snorted too much of the fumes, but i think i enjoyed the day more than my kids did... i couldn't seem to wipe the goofy grin off my face!!

here is my kay, having a go at the checkered flag, i still don't know how he organised that but anyway, he had a jol!

my friend took part in the race, it was her first time, and she did really well, although, like most she saw her own dirty ass when she fell... much fun...whoopee!!!

this piece of pleasure stopped his bike right in front of me, at this stage all the riders were really bushed, tired beyond all normal standards, the poor kiddies were literally carried over this obstacle, red in the face, begging for mercy...

some more action shots...

my kids now want to take up the sport...

but not if i beat them to it!!

random odd and useless...

i wanted to blog about my weekend today, but blogger has decided in it's infinite wisdom that it does not matter how many times i try to upload my photos...there will be no uploading of my pics today...so i leave you with this...will post tomorrow about my weekend...sigh

here are some random odd useless facts about me that you probably didn't want to know about but hey...shut up and read on ok...

i was in labour for 18 hours with my first born....natural birth...fuck i must have been crazy...they don't exaggerate in the movies...

i can move my ears...i shit you not...i think i have talent

i can burp really loud...for a girl this does not come naturally

i hate politics...i can't stand helen zille...

i've been married twice, to the same guy...i must be crazy in more ways than one

i had a huge crush on michael j fox when i was 12...it was insane

i love nelson mandela...he's not politics...admit it...he is a legend, and if you don't agree, don't say so, i don't wanna hear anything bad about madiba...deal?

i look exactly like my great-great-great-great grandmother...spooky beyond belief

i saw a burglar break into my house once...i was in the back seat of my car having sex with my boyfriend...what to do?

ek is 'n boere meisie...sheebee that maybe explains all the ...'s...have mercy

i love my running shoes...i dumped michael j fox for them

i have lots of credit card debt...i know, who doesn't, but i think i hold some kind of record

i love south africa dearly and would never be able to leave this country for good...proudly south african and all that

i've started 13 facts with “I”...this must stop...maybe i should have started each sentence with “believe it or not...”

party planning and friday humour!

firstly...the blog party...i will have to deliberate with my partner in crime angel so i will get back to you on the whole idea...you guys really keen??? we don't want to organise the whole thing and then only angel and i pitch...Lee you said you've tried this...gimme some feedback on what you think please...

ok then, its friday...............!!!

have yourself a vivaciously wicked weekend ya'll!

A FRIEND IN NEED IS

A FRIEND IN DEED

BUT THE BEST OF FRIENDS IS...

A FRIEND WITH WEED

boogie woogie!!!

i love dancing... i know i'm not particularly good...ok maybe i just plain suck at it...but hey...that little detail ain't stopping ms. ruby...that's my jive persona...ruby...love that name!!... i had a dance party in my living room the other night with my two boys... no mercy!!...my neighbours probably wanted to call the cops but i don't think police in the new south africa even bothers with calls like that anymore...imagine i was boogieing away and a cop knocked at the door...i would have thought he was a stripper and would have promptly dragged him inside...screaming "cuff me baby! cuff me n~o~w~~~..."

the poor kids couldn't keep up... their smiles said it all...they loved every minute...and that's the point isn't it...it doesn't matter how crap you are at some stuff...if you love it ~ don't stop...who cares what other's think of you anyway...

i reminded myself of travolta in saturday night fever...yeah baby...disco lights... it was so much fun! ... it took the kids a while to get into the groove but man it was a blast... i think dancing is like karaoke, some people just can't sing...they suck b~i~g time but they enjoy it so much...you just gotta love that blind confidence some have...rock on dudes...life's too short don't u think...!!

christmassy feeling...you gotta be kidding me

i did take off my word verification yesterday...but received some obvious spam...so sorry bridget... i activated it again...

all the shops have started getting all christmassy, and although i love this time of year…and all is well in sweetass~la~la~land…i couldn’t be more unhappy at work…i don’t know if it’s all the stress of year-end or if it’s the compressed frustration and crap i’ve had to take for the last 12 years from my boss; but i’m on the edge…push me and i’ll jump baby…yipee~kay~jay~mother~fuckers…

i’m starting to fantasize when my boss is talking to me…i just see her mouth flapping but i don’t hear a word…during this time i have rearranged her face and stolen all her jewelary… after her 10 minute speech i say…”what’s that?”...and sure as crap she’ll start again…after another 10 minute schpiel i’m also tempted to again say…”what’s that?” …but i don’t…i just want her out of my office as soon as possible…she actually is a great boss…for the rest of the year i quite enjoy her…but for now…i just want to slap her silly…she annoys me in so many different ways at the moment…it’s quite ridiculous…let me count the ways…i find it incredibly rude when i’m busy on the phone and she just starts talking to me as if what i’m doing is of no importance what so ever…really…just don’t do that…sure, you pay my bills at the end of the month…but watch it…i can only take so much…i do everything for her…she says she won’t be able to replace me ever…and i think she’s right…cause who would do all her crap for her and still smile at the end of the day…that’s me…fuck…she also has this annoying habit of assuming things…like she assumes i will do both her job and still go empty the post box…and what gets to me is that all my complaints are and irritations are actually irrelevant ignorable stuff…but if you are part of the furniture…and everybody treats you as such…it gets lame real easy…i’m so tired of this…i know i should get my sweet behind into gear and do the job hunting thing…argh…but that’s so much fun right…but come january i will be on the hunt like a pro…i can’t wait!...so if you need a office manager who can do your job for you, make sure you earn 5 times what i earn…organize your personal life, keep your husband happy (not that way perverts! ;-)…i’m your girl… sigh…

i can’t wait for christmas…and then it's my birthday….whoohoo…luckily i found angel and we have the same problem…we both have our birthday’s during the holidays…and although most people are sweet enough to phone me on my birthday…there’s no party…everybody is on some exotic holiday spot and don’t really want to talk about the birthday girl, they just want to tell someone about their kick ass holiday…good for them but not so peachy for me …so usually there is no celebration except my family spoiling my to death…at least i have that right…sigh…so even if angel and i just go and scare delicious mike some more…that’ll be a nice birthday treat for me…

alien word verification

Living Bridget left a comment yesterday...she complained about when you want to leave a blogger a comment...some ask for a word verification....stupid random letters that make no sense at all...really who thought that would be a good idea...personally bridget and i think it sucks...cause more often than not we type in the wrong letters...thank goodness...i thought i was alone... Bridget...yeah baby...i suffer from the same alien affliction...i really do try hard...but i think i may dyslexic or something...i usually have to try at least twice before i pass...it shouldn't be that difficult right...

other joyous news is that i've won something...how cool is that!...i've never won anything in my life before...a few weeks back they had some sort of a promotion at our local supermarket... you could win some really nice stuff and i always .... pick the wrong box...so needless to say i was totally stoked when i was notified that i've won something...not from the supermarket... something even better than that~

in june i wrote a letter to a running magazine, and guess what, it got published, not only did i win the letter of the month…it’s kind of sad though that I would enjoy being the monthly winner so much right…I know, I don’t know what’s up with that…so…I also get a prize... thank goodness i didn't have to pick a box for this one...isn’t that exciting…I won this really cool running watch…it’s a timex gents ironman 30 lap flix…ha!... i will probably never use any of the features but I’ll be wearing it everywhere I go...the only problem is that my letter got published in june...and is november already...and no watch to show off yet...i emailed a guy at the magazine ...haha...another mike...and he's been following it up for months now...and yesterday i got an email to say that they have confirmed my winning-status...pffttt...and my watch will be waiting at the post office soon...yeah...oh yeah...i love it...jealous? you should be, i won a watch... ;-)

i like mike

i met Angel on saturday for the first time...we had a girls' night out...and it was great fun to say the least...we chatted and smoked too much... she is really funny and probably the coolest mommy ever...she had a new tattoo done on friday...really cool...if you haven't checked out her blog...please do, you won't regret it...good to meet you baby!!!

glug we missed you... you will have to come with next time...you won't regret it, we promise!

we had the most delicious waiter...his name was mike...i think the poor guy was terrified of the pair of us...especially after i asked him if he was on the menu... let me just say that we didn't see much of mike after that.... teehee... why do men scare so easily??

this is a short post, i have plenty of work to do...sigh

delayed halloween

i know halloween was on the 31st...but i found this cartoon yesterday...funny stuff...!

hope you have a delectably delicious weekend y'all!!!

all things painfull...

i’m really pissed off today…fuming…kay does that to me sometimes…he’s known the whole freakin year that he has to give in book reports at the end of the year of all the books he’s read this year…which obviously are almost non-existent…and yesterday…

he says….so mom…i have to give in my book reports on of these days…
mommy me…yes…and…???
he says… i don’t know if i will be able to finish 10 books by friday…
mommy me… this friday…the friday that is 2 days away??????????????
he says...that’s the one!
mommy me…did i tell you to read your books?
he says...yes mom
mommy me... did i warn you that this was going to happen???????????
he says...yes mom
mommy me...don’t you yes mom me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fllllllllllllllllip!!!!!!!!!!

so guess what i’m reading at the moment? …the hardy boys…i shit you not…sigh…i know this is wrong…but if you knew how close he is to flunking this year…and now this…

anyway so yesterday i went to have my boobs squashed…mammogram...luckily they are very resilient buggers and they passed with flying colors…but let me tell you…a mammogram is not a joke…everyone was firstly very professional…like they are supposed to be i guess…they showed me to my cubicle to undress…and there was this little cape item that you are supposed to wear …i looked like florence nightingale…anyway…i walked to the examination room...it’s my first time and i was really nervous…and i knew that i look utterly ridiculous in the little florence suit of mine…and there i stand…everybody ignores me…i say…am i at the right place??...and the radiologist tells me…well if you feel like bat girl then you’re in the right place…mwhahahahahah…like i said i was really nervous so i laughed way too hard at that little joke…my personal radiologist…yes i had a lady looking after just me…at forking 665.30 ront i bloody well hope so…she takes my to my examination room…and there i have to lean over this very cold machine…and she takes dee-dee number one…and kind of roll her…yes i know...horrible...and then presses a button and zirrrrrrrrrrr…it squeezes and it keeps on squeezing…ouuuuuuuuuch…and snap…there’s my boob on a computer screen…voila…thank goodness i’m all clear…then we hop along to for the sonar…and there mr radiologist comes in…shakes my hand…was that really necessary?...somehow it just didn't feel like the thing to do...anyway…and proceeds to check my titties out further…i don’t like sonars…any variety...it's cold and sticky...and uncomfortable...and you're supposed to look like it doesn't bother you one bit....go for your mammograms girls...it's no fun but alas....necessary!

foreign rainbows

to me this is foreign..i like sex...won't dispute that fact...i also like oral sex, no shocker there...but here's a twist i'm not into...

i bought a cd set about teenage sexuality...due to the fact that kay is bursting with hormones these days...i thought it might be wise to be ready for imminent teenage displays of anger and puppy love... the woman who teach these courses is a very open minded and with~it mom...she's also a christian, i like her...anyway it's a 3cd set and she explains every single thing about teenagers...from the nitty gritty stuff like allowances to the juicy stuff... she spills all the beans and really tells it like it is...luckily i have, touch wood, up till now have had an open and honest relationship with kay...i have explained everything... blow jobs, porn, masturbation, sex, stoney's (bet you don't know what those are!), hard on's, wet dreams...every single thing...and now i had to explain to him about rainbow parties...

at this point i really felt my age...cause truth be told i've never heard about it...ever...seems stuff...parties, sex and the things teenagers are exposed to these days have changed incredibly... even i, a liberated mom, was shocked...this woman, her job is teenagers, what they think and especially what they do...and especially the stuff they want to talk to their parents about...but can't...basically a rainbow party is the following...

each girl comes to the party wearing an excess amount of lipstick...see where this is going...then the guys mingle...can't think of a better word...ahem...then the girls carefully puts a ring of her lipstick on the shaft of every guys' penis...yes apparently they do...and then when everybody is done the guy with the most rings (hence rainbow) wins...fuck...no pun intended...when i was in high school we played spin the bottle!! so if a uninformed teenager asks his uninformed parent ...hey mom can i go to a rainbow party...what do they say...sure honey...have fun!!!

i must admit that this firstly shocked me and secondly it disturbed me...where does teenagers see this stuff...how do you not fall under the pressure of your peers when you are asked or forced to do this...and then you've done it once...and then you are one of the guys...and you are guilty...and then you just go on and do it again...join the orgy...cause that's what it is...seems there are plenty more of these games to play...in groups...that's definitely scary...which teenage boy or girl is mature enough to say...sorry people i'm not gonna do this...fuck this was so shocking to me...the world we live in really has changed...now i must teach my kids to do the right thing and to make the right decisions...how do you do that???!!! the precious woman failed to give us parents a guaranteed solution...all she said was “pray!!!”...maybe she was exaggerating...i hope she was...

teenagers have hormones rushing through them at the speed of lightning...adult hormones people...especially boys...teenage boys produce testosterone at a shocking high level, like literally thousands of times the normal levels...the poor babies! How do you, as a teenage guy say no to a girl who wants to give you a ring of lipstick on your dick...she may even get more than she bargained for...if you know what i'm saying...maybe that's exactly what she needs to shock her back to reality...a mouth full of semen...teenage girls are so funny..."yuck...groooooss...why did you do that!!!..."...that'll teach her...what did she expect, a pat on the head?

bungee!!!

yes i did that in january...good lord have mercy...never eva again... firstly i have a fear of heights... but it's something that i've always wanted to do...so when opportunity came a'knockin... i was ready...it was a totally crazy decision...i'm still glad i did it...but i shit you not...never ever again...it was the closest thing to dying that i've ever experienced...everything rushes past you at the speed of light...i am still surprised that i didn't pee in my panties...thank goodness i didn't cause you can just imagine that spectacle... i smoked like 10 cigarettes in 30 minutes...i used the f word like 10000 times in that 30 minutes before my jump... and nobody actually thought i would have the guts to do it...my kids were there too...so i had to prove a point...i am a lot of things but a sissy i am not...or so i thought...firstly they let you sign the indemnity papers...very clever move...then...oh my greatness...i didn't expect this one...they have a industrial scale...yes they do...to weigh you...IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY...so i did that...and then they write your weight on your hand with a black permanent marker...lovely...then you wait... time freezes...everybody does everything in slow-motion...i was astounded at my chain-smoking abilities...anyway if the weigh-in wasn't bad enough...when it's your turn they check your weight...and then they scream like tarzan...so that everybody can hear your weight again...they have to check if your weight corresponds with the ropes...so there they were screaming...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiight.....X kg.... and the other guy screams....check...x kiiiiiiiilooooooooooograms...fuck...i wanted to scream...yes yes yes...that's my weight asshole....deal with it and move along...ok...ok???!!!...ok....the instructor was very sweet...laughed at my terrible nervous jokes...and told me like 10 times that he promises that he won't kill me...that's just great...i told myself that if they started counting that i WILL jump...otherwise i will freeze and they will have to carry me back...and due to the fact that everyone knew my weight...who would do that??...so everything was checked and checked again...and then it was time...3~2~2...fuck...~bungeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!...and i went...it was crazy...it was so scary that after 2 seconds i closed my eyes and couldn't open them again ... i don't know why people would do that twice...my brother and sister in law has jumped like 60 times each...ok they are crazy mother fuckers...but still...it is so terrifying...but i'm still glad i did it...my kids think i rock...they still impress very easily...but i'm still glad i did it...freaky but fun...it's something that you have to do at least once in your life...

life is good

I believe life is to be lived, enjoyed, not agonized; loved, not hated. – Leland Bartlett

so true...i'm changing things in my life ... growing and changing, it's a good time for me...coming into my own...somehow...i'm a creature of habit...i like to know what i can expect from life and my surroundings...but at the same time i'm gently forcing myself to do things that i've never done...i'm slowly trying to convince myself that people are not inherently evil...that i should trust more easily...and just take things at face value...not to analyse every single little thing...and to enjoy the smaller things around me...the trusting easy way that my kids accept me and love me... my friends that are so loyal and trustworthy...my family that will always be there for me...i am truly blessed in a million different ways...and SARS paid my tax refund...so hey life is good, hope you have a great week, only 5 weeks till christmas holidays!

both sides now

If I look back at my life, I know I am to blame for many of the countless bad decisions that I’ve made, I have suffered at my own hand so to say, allowed another to take away my smile…. I don’t know when it started, it’s something that creeps into a relationship, that changes the dynamic, the natural balance…many woman suffer this way, but we have no scars to show, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse…I was maybe more naive as the average person… trusting the person that I loved not to hurt me… but for some reason he did not find the very essence of me important enough? My head knows the truth but my heart is another story…when you have been abused with words, with looks, with body language…you tread carefully…and even though I know the lies he spoke was not to be believed…some part of me wonders about them…cause if you for example tell a child every day that he or she is the most beautiful little thing on earth, that you cherish them…that makes an impact on that person…just in the same way I believed that I was not worth anything, my thoughts, my actions, everything I tried so hard at…was worthless…there was not one single thing that I could do that was right in his eyes…I know with my head that those were lies, that he was manipulating me, acting out of his own rejection…I wasn’t a battered woman per se…the fact that I don’t have any self-esteem left, that is true, the fact that I see no beauty in my face is true, because he said so, the fact that I don’t find any beauty in my body is true because I believed his lies…I build my self confidence every day, it takes a very long time before I believe something good about myself…he did hit me three times…three times too many…and he must have enjoyed to see my fear…cause that’s one thing I realised…it’s so easy to judge woman when they don’t want leave an abusive relationship…I even think some woman enjoy the drama…but not me...but the abuse in my relationship dulled me…maybe I was over sensitized people think that a person has to deal with traumas like a bad marriage by talking about it…some want to talk the subject to death…but it’s never over…I have thought about all the incidents, the hurts, the realities that was my life for so long, it was like a rock…I turned and touched that rock so much that it’s turned into a pebble…I’ve held that pebble in the palm of my hand for a long time…and then a time came when I got a box…I took tissue paper…I wrapped the pebble in the paper…and I leave the pebble in the box…and then I put the box in my cupboard…and sometimes…for whatever reason…I take out the box…I look at the box…but I don’t open it…and then other times I open the box and I touch the smoothness of the pebble again…I feel every emotion that I have felt …and although I don’t cry easily…when I have a pebble in my hand…I can’t stop my tears….slow sad tears…when I look back at all the ways that you’ve hurt me the one thing I never understood, I never did anything to deserve your abuse, your taunts , your sneers, that vacant look in your eyes that made you look right through me…love never was enough ~ it almost never is…

Song: both sides now-Jodi Mitchell
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Rows and floes of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

Its cloud illusions I recall

I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As evry fairy tale comes real

Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show

You leave em laughing when you go

And if you care, dont let them know

Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

Its loves illusions I recall

I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say I love you right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say Ive changed

Well somethings lost, but somethings gained

In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

Its lifes illusions I recall

I really dont know life at all

Ive looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

Its lifes illusions I recall

I really dont know life at all