Friday, October 26, 2007

both sides now

If I look back at my life, I know I am to blame for many of the countless bad decisions that I’ve made, I have suffered at my own hand so to say, allowed another to take away my smile…. I don’t know when it started, it’s something that creeps into a relationship, that changes the dynamic, the natural balance…many woman suffer this way, but we have no scars to show, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse…I was maybe more naive as the average person… trusting the person that I loved not to hurt me… but for some reason he did not find the very essence of me important enough? My head knows the truth but my heart is another story…when you have been abused with words, with looks, with body language…you tread carefully…and even though I know the lies he spoke was not to be believed…some part of me wonders about them…cause if you for example tell a child every day that he or she is the most beautiful little thing on earth, that you cherish them…that makes an impact on that person…just in the same way I believed that I was not worth anything, my thoughts, my actions, everything I tried so hard at…was worthless…there was not one single thing that I could do that was right in his eyes…I know with my head that those were lies, that he was manipulating me, acting out of his own rejection…I wasn’t a battered woman per se…the fact that I don’t have any self-esteem left, that is true, the fact that I see no beauty in my face is true, because he said so, the fact that I don’t find any beauty in my body is true because I believed his lies…I build my self confidence every day, it takes a very long time before I believe something good about myself…he did hit me three times…three times too many…and he must have enjoyed to see my fear…cause that’s one thing I realised…it’s so easy to judge woman when they don’t want leave an abusive relationship…I even think some woman enjoy the drama…but not me...but the abuse in my relationship dulled me…maybe I was over sensitized people think that a person has to deal with traumas like a bad marriage by talking about it…some want to talk the subject to death…but it’s never over…I have thought about all the incidents, the hurts, the realities that was my life for so long, it was like a rock…I turned and touched that rock so much that it’s turned into a pebble…I’ve held that pebble in the palm of my hand for a long time…and then a time came when I got a box…I took tissue paper…I wrapped the pebble in the paper…and I leave the pebble in the box…and then I put the box in my cupboard…and sometimes…for whatever reason…I take out the box…I look at the box…but I don’t open it…and then other times I open the box and I touch the smoothness of the pebble again…I feel every emotion that I have felt …and although I don’t cry easily…when I have a pebble in my hand…I can’t stop my tears….slow sad tears…when I look back at all the ways that you’ve hurt me the one thing I never understood, I never did anything to deserve your abuse, your taunts , your sneers, that vacant look in your eyes that made you look right through me…love never was enough ~ it almost never is…

Song: both sides now-Jodi Mitchell
;
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

6 COMMENTS....bite me!:

angel said...

wow... what a powerful post sweetass!!! incredible! i am so impressed with how far you've come...

Glugster said...

I hope you haven't lost all faith in men because of one arsehole.

Sweetass RSA said...

angel: i know, but i still have a lonnnnnnnnnnnggg way to go :-)

glug: i don't know yet... i need some convincing, interested? ;-)

Glugster said...

Thought you'd never ask!

knotkeats@yahoo.com said...

Abusive relationships are very complex. No outsider can understand why you went through what you did. I won't pretend to.

Part of it is that we tend to believe our abuser, or we make excuses for them, or we identify with them. In some way, they end up defining our life for us. It's bizarre, irrational, and totally unexplainable.

But we get attached to it. It's familiar, even comfortable, for all of its horror.

You've tucked yours away in a box so it can't touch you, but you still take it out and touch it.

Far be it for a total screwup like me to give advice, but you really ought to take that box and burn it, drive over it with a road compactor, put it in a crusher, or just drop it into some deep canyon, but get it the hell away from you.

As long as you can touch it, it can touch you.

Sweetass RSA said...

knot: wise words indeed! thanks...

 
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