OCD much?

Blogging was a huge part of my life a few years back.  Not in a desperate kind of crazy lady way, I just kind of got consumed by it, loved it to bits.  Now on a whim I decided to start blogging again. 

You see, here lies the problem.

Turns out I'm a bit more OCD than what I knew.  Blogging every now and again is not an option.  In my head you either go big or go home but my left brain have made an executive decision.... there will be no daily blogging.  It's just too much, with Twitter as my first love, you know? (#twitterlove)

So, this is not really a PSA more than confirmation to myself, here in black and white.  Sweets, you aren't blogging every day, so don't start thinking you are.  Deal.

Long weekend starts in 29 minutes!  I'm so happy I wonder if I should ditch my car and skip home?

Naaaaah.

Laters

x

The balance is lost

I don't know why but I am questioning all sorts of decisions and behaviours and needs vs wants and should I's and go away I don't want to look at your face kind of issues lately. 

I've got a sneaky suspicion that it has to do with the fact that my kids are growing up, no correction, are grown up.  Kev is in Matric this year, he just got his own wheels, do you have any idea what this did to me? 

For 11 years I was his mode of transport, everywhere, in the middle of the night, driving him and his friends everywhere because I just wanted to make sure I knew where they were, there I was, always on duty.  And now?  No longer needed, thanks Mommy, with a sweet smile, and that's that.  Now I am the parent waiting until after midnight becuase I need to know he get's home safe.  How things change.

Just today I phoned Kev to find out if he was home safe, just that, immediately he said, Mom you always ask so many questions....sheesh!  Lost for words I tell ya.

Raising kids have been a huge and difficult journey for me, for some reason nobody fucking tells you this when you start talking about babies, that this single thing will be the most difficult you have ever done in your life, that you will just never ever be the same again.  Sure, I know, lots of benefits, cuddles and love and laughter beyond.  But that's my point, for 18 years you are made used to that, the love, the cuddles, the laughter, all that squishy lekker stuff that no Mother ever wants to let go of.  And now, almost overnight, I am literally not needed anymore, not the way I want it anyway. And then, again, just like that, they fly off into the world, as they should, and it's just never the same again. 

It's as if those lovely special memories were seared into my brain, and I find myself going back to them more and more often, just to make sure I will never forget.  Because it was so damn hard, but man alive it made my life so worth while.  I will miss them so much, them sitting on my lap, wanting only me, just because I'm their Mamma. But I have them for 18 years, if they stay after, it's a bonus, if they don't then I've done my job and I must say they are turning out to be pretty damn amazing young men, thanks to the villiage that raise them with me. 

Shit, midlife crisis, I have arrived. Whoot!

A whole other world that is me

Well here goes nothing. Let me just say that I've read some of my older posts and all I can think is, what the hell was I smoking? Weird mix of deluded and quirky and just kinda out there stuff! Anyway, moving on.

Not feeling particularly upbeat or sunshine and rainbows lately.  I tend to live in another world in my head, a place nobody knows about. A place I analyze, criticize, ponder and most of all feel my emotions. Emotions that I tend to hide from the rest of the world, not because I want to but I find it almost impossible to show what I feel. Don't get me wrong, I laugh, I cry but that deep hard core stuff I keep to myself.  And this is never good. It means that when the opportunity presents itself to show how I feel, when its kinda important, I freeze. Zip my lips and I can't get a blooming word out. Then I hate myself after. Why didn't I say xyz, I knew what to say but to put myself out there, to dare and expose myself to possible rejection, rejection of what I think, I feel? Impossible.

So the journey continues. Where to? Wish I knew. Really relly wish I knew.  Well, more of that later.

Good to be back :)

Unicorns, rainbows and fluffy clouds.

Xx

Ps: I actually put on my big girl panties and read some of my older posts. Good memories, actually cheered me up as I sound dreadfully dull and dreadfully depressed in this post. Good spirits restored :D

It's time

Hello :)

So incredibly weird to blog again. It's been more than 3 years. Too long right? Don't know how often I'll blog but I think I should start again. Baby steps.

xx

hola :)~

dumela... hello... goeie dag... gutendag... howzit???!!!

Slyde it does feel like we broke up... when i'm sleeping in the fetal position with my thumb in my mouth i think of you ok?.... somehow that just doesn't sound right does it?

what's new yall? my life is droning on, my life actually has a life of it's own, i know, makes no sense, but yeah... everything happens as it should, when it should... i've bought some new batteries for my vibrator so yes, life is goooooooood :)

my kids are so darn wonderful, Jay offered to buy me a valentines gift, awww right? hmmmm... not so much... Kay has got bigger feet than me and a busier social life than his mother... it's just all happening so fast... oh i should tell you about the funeral i went to this week... my mom's best friend passed away.... horrible cancer... anyway, i went to the funeral with my mom for moral support, my dad does not do funerals... so there i sat, and after about the 36th second my ass hit the pew the tears came... oh my gawd.... it was not a pretty sight... i was crying more than her children for goodness sakes... it wasn't that the pastor did such a sterling job, something just happened.... and there i sat with my mom consoling me... trying to focus on the bricks, trying to desperately count them (or something! but at that moment the bricks was all i had ok?) i kept wiping the tears and every time ten more tears dribbled down my cheeks... it was awful...embarrassing even... i now know why i also don't do funerals... they take me to a nasty sad place where i realize that life actually does end... it sucks man... wait, no i'm not depressed (again)... after the holidays my depression lifts like a snot filled cloud, i love the new year... clean slate and all that.... other shocking family news is that my (ex) father in law knocked my poor ex mother in law over with the car... i shit you not... every time i think about it i start laughing... crazy...crazy family.... he said it was an accident but hmmm not so convinced...whahhahahhahha... crazy old coot... ahhh, so that's all the total irrelevant shit i could think about to write about...*sigh*...

so was that as good for you as it was for me?.... let me light a cig... i chatted with my peeps...good times! i'll meet slyde in dreamland, so yeah... life is good man... snot... love and happiness.... peace out till next time :)

me again...

don't we make a lovely little family!?!

seems my off time leaves my mind to wander... so here i am again... i'm on a bit of a buzz me thinks... haven't slept in two days... no lies... will hopefully start yawning soonish...another few minutes and then it's my bday... i don't know how i feel about getting older... i actually don't like it one bit... i don't feel 37 and now i'm about to turn 38... 38!!!... shit... i know i know, age is just a figure, or a number ( i think the lack of sleep with my boer roots are kicking in now) and all that shit, but still... 38!!!! God have mercy...

no regrets tho...

rock on...

the fun bus is waiting :)~

me at 2 am...

can't sleep... won't sleep... smoking one cigarette after another... chain smoker yes?... i'm on holiday, so my sleeping patterns are up to shit ok?.... and guess what i wanted at 2 am... to blog! how odd... i miss blogging... i miss bloggers... i logged onto gmail to see if anyone was online... and nada... fokol... :) i hate the silly season... christmas was ok up until midday... then my sister managed to spoil christmas... lovely person that she is.... so just when i thought i buried the ghost of chrimstas past... new year is still another load of crap i still have to face... i wrote a looooong blog post... but it's not for anybody to see... just me talking to me... gawd i miss you guys... hope the new year brings all that is beautiful... i'll get in line too :)

XXX

do the funky monkey...

oh well, i tried, ok i didn't really... old deceased pc is standing in the corner... dead... ish... and i really don't have the time at the moment to do anything about it... ok i'm lying... no money.... just spent my SARS refund in 2.5 seconds... so yeah... busted... you are all so damn loyal it breaks my heart.... so i promise to return in 2010... ok? ok? ok?

i think i just got a tear in my eye...

my life is real sucky right now...so forgive me

*sigh*

miss you more than you know

XXX

will somebody spank me now please?!!!???

how rude i know...

don't worry i'm pissed off at myself too...make a big hoohaa about being back and then all of a sudden i'm off the radar again....thing is... or was...my pc broke...batman offered to have it fixed... dodgy right?... and there i made my first mistake....well at least it's working now... hmmm... well halfway anyway... it's reaaaaaaaaaaaaaly slow... dodgy right???!!!!... blue screen of death of the graphics card... i still can't figure out what was wrong... maybe it was the card... cause it's lying on my kitchen counter....yeah lovely.... cause i have sooooooooooooooo much money lying around to buy another one... thing is... what's the point in offering to have the forkin pc fixed and then all you "have done" is to take out the broken parts and flippen well not replace it!!!.... dodgy!!!!!.... so i'll do my best to be back as soon as possible... but hell i'm not promising anything anymore... so toodles for a week or so... thanks for all your comments... you rock... but hey you knew that already... :)

ps; no picture today... poor pc is totally confused when i tell it to add a picture.... dodgy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

groovy baby

the amount of posts i've written in my head the last few months is just insane... and here i am... after the millionth post... and i've just deleted like 3 posts... hmmm... i've lost my fucking groove haven't i???!!!! ... was NOT expecting that... so yeah... baby steps it'll have to be...

so as my first baby step lemme tell you about the total dish of a dentist i met on friday... just a pity i met him after i threw a total fit in the waiting room... i broke my tooth... right off... so about two weeks ago and R800 buckeroos later i had a new semi permanent little chomper until i could get a dreaded root canal and a new crown made... and friday morning i was chewing away on a piece of gum... and POP... off the semi jumps, i almost swallowed it... friday afternoon i went back to glue the fucker back right... then they produce the pre invoice you have to sign to basically ok all the thousands they are about to bill you for... so i had a back and forth with the receptionist about not paying one cent more... the whole office was involved.... loud voices and such... and i won... oh yeah oh yeah... but the dishy dentist was not impressed, all sexy and smouldering behind his little mask... hehe... i just know when to pick my battles don't I... soooo glad he didn't have to inject me cause i think he wanted to...erm... hurt me reaaaaaaaaal bad...

hell yeah :)

oh



my



greatness!



is it odd that the excitement of this moment is almost as good as...as....ag i dunno... it's just so sooooooooooo good!!!



hello all of you crazy wonderful people!!! good heavens i've missed this shit :)

it is quite indecent, ok maybe indecent is the wrong choice of words, but i cannot completely explain to you how i have missed this crazy thing called blogging... and all the bloggers... man alive...



it all depends on how much airtime my new cellphone bestows on me, that's how much i'll blog and that's how much i'll read...



ok some news:



i'm good

still love the new job

my kids are still the cutest and wildest miniatures on the planet

and no, still no mantoy


ah man i have so much to tell you and this is all i come up with???



anyhoodle.... talk soon...!!!!



*jumping up and down from excitement*