Friday, October 12, 2007

anti climax

when you start a new journey in life...you go through certain emotions that define what you feel at that specific time...for me it was firstly courage...to do the right thing...to take my life and go...to leave the man that i fell in love with, the man that was my first love...i left my husband but i also left my best friend, my lover, my life partner...and yes nobody forced me to go...but it was time...the penny dropped...the last lie was told and i knew...it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do, and hopefully will ever have to do in my life...to give up on somebody that you love so much...anyway...that took courage and what followed was just as traumatic...to be on your own, to be the sole provider, the one person ultimately responsible that the bills are paid, that the kids have a loving, normal life...i was totally responsible for their emotional and physical well being ...the buck stopped right here...that stuff is quite overwhelming...so first it was courage...and then i was just overwhelmed...and even though i had lots of support from family and friends...it's still something that you ultimately must do alone...walk that lonely road...and i did it...i've proven to myself more than anything that i'm stronger than i thought...then came the next phase...fear and the doubt...could i do this...i should have stayed...no...i couldn't...i did stay...18 years too long...i then became angry at the man that i used to know...the husband that never was my husband...and then gratefully the acceptance came...it's a sweet peace that pulls the courage, doubt, fear and anger together...and it feels better...i've been travelling this road for about two years now...give or take...and it's been worse than i imagined, lonelier than i thought...but more peaceful than i expected...but yet....somehow...i expected to find “something” at the end of this road...or rather at this new crossroad that i face...certainly there has to be some sort of relief somewhere...all the trauma, all the hard work, sometime...surely things should get easier...it seems not...i also did not expect that...the anti climax of finding myself here at this time of my life...feeling that surely there has to be more...i'm past the stage where i'm longing for another partner...people can't fill the emptiness...things don't make things better...all of us picture our life a certain way...and somehow this is just not how i pictured it...i know i'm in charge of my own destiny...for too long i have given my destiny into someone else's hands...and we all know that we only have this one chance to make it matter...and all of me don't want to miss that...i haven't come this far to not go further...having said that...i feel somewhat guilty, cause i still have so much to be thankful for...things could have been so much worse...it's not that i'm ungrateful i basically just feel a bit disappointed...mostly in myself...choices...so it's a scary place for me right now...the rev counter of my life seems to be pitching higher than the average person...that's the hand i've been dealt with...or that i have dealt for myself...life goes so fast...we waste so much time on shit that doesn't matter...that's true for me in any case...so i look into my future...and i just pray to God that when i look back on the next thirty five years of my life...i will hopefully smile and think...good times girl...it was a good ride...you did ok...

1 COMMENTS....bite me!:

angel said...

woah... we are in such similar places!
i also feel like i should be reaching a point in my life and there's just nothing...!

 
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