anti climax

when you start a new journey in life...you go through certain emotions that define what you feel at that specific time...for me it was firstly courage...to do the right thing...to take my life and go...to leave the man that i fell in love with, the man that was my first love...i left my husband but i also left my best friend, my lover, my life partner...and yes nobody forced me to go...but it was time...the penny dropped...the last lie was told and i knew...it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do, and hopefully will ever have to do in my life...to give up on somebody that you love so much...anyway...that took courage and what followed was just as traumatic...to be on your own, to be the sole provider, the one person ultimately responsible that the bills are paid, that the kids have a loving, normal life...i was totally responsible for their emotional and physical well being ...the buck stopped right here...that stuff is quite overwhelming...so first it was courage...and then i was just overwhelmed...and even though i had lots of support from family and friends...it's still something that you ultimately must do alone...walk that lonely road...and i did it...i've proven to myself more than anything that i'm stronger than i thought...then came the next phase...fear and the doubt...could i do this...i should have stayed...no...i couldn't...i did stay...18 years too long...i then became angry at the man that i used to know...the husband that never was my husband...and then gratefully the acceptance came...it's a sweet peace that pulls the courage, doubt, fear and anger together...and it feels better...i've been travelling this road for about two years now...give or take...and it's been worse than i imagined, lonelier than i thought...but more peaceful than i expected...but yet....somehow...i expected to find “something” at the end of this road...or rather at this new crossroad that i face...certainly there has to be some sort of relief somewhere...all the trauma, all the hard work, sometime...surely things should get easier...it seems not...i also did not expect that...the anti climax of finding myself here at this time of my life...feeling that surely there has to be more...i'm past the stage where i'm longing for another partner...people can't fill the emptiness...things don't make things better...all of us picture our life a certain way...and somehow this is just not how i pictured it...i know i'm in charge of my own destiny...for too long i have given my destiny into someone else's hands...and we all know that we only have this one chance to make it matter...and all of me don't want to miss that...i haven't come this far to not go further...having said that...i feel somewhat guilty, cause i still have so much to be thankful for...things could have been so much worse...it's not that i'm ungrateful i basically just feel a bit disappointed...mostly in myself...choices...so it's a scary place for me right now...the rev counter of my life seems to be pitching higher than the average person...that's the hand i've been dealt with...or that i have dealt for myself...life goes so fast...we waste so much time on shit that doesn't matter...that's true for me in any case...so i look into my future...and i just pray to God that when i look back on the next thirty five years of my life...i will hopefully smile and think...good times girl...it was a good ride...you did ok...

Enough is enough

i've been really fine with my divorce the past few months, but lately it's been irritating me again, ok i irritate easily, but still... i thought i was over the worst, and that is what really gets me, i hope that this isn't what it's going to be like forever, or until the kids leave my little nest... i know that my ex will prop be a part of my life always, and i really don't like it, i would have preferred him disappearing out of my life like a bad dream... but apparently he's here to stay... maybe if he just paid child maintenance every month my irritation level would level out, if he irritates me i can go shop, retail therapy yeah!!! but no there's no damn money for shopping cause he's gotta support himself and it seems like the new girlfriend and i am such a fucking nice person i just keep my freaking mouth shut and accept my lot in life. i must be more proud than i ever knew... everybody is telling me "take him to court"... "don't let him see the kids until he's paid"... and you know i really ponder these heartfelt suggestions, but it's as if i want to show him, in my own stupid little way, that i really don't need him anymore. yeah (i'm not stupid ok) i know i'm shooting myself and my kids in the foot, but like a friend of mine said the other day "a contract or the court doesn't have to tell me what my responsibilities are, i know what they are"... and that is what i expect of the father of my two children, is that too much to ask? it's not fair, really it's not, boohooooooo, that's me crying for myself out of self-pity, self-pity - that's an awful thing i know. i don't allow myself that much pity, just a moment here and there, no public self-pitying allowed in my world, maybe that's a good thing, no i know it's a good thing.

i am a strong person

i am a good mommy to my boys

i have conquered my fears of being alone,

taking on the overwhelming responsibility for my kids well-being, spiritually, emotionally, the whole deal, and i did it... awesome thought.

that's why i don't bother about the money anymore, i struggle, there is not many luxuries in our life, but it's ok.... it's ok.... it's really ok. know what i'm saying? good for you smiley face, i knew you could do it. cause at the end of the day i think the fact that we don't need him anymore is such a bloody surprise to him, it's so funny.... *giggly giggly giggly* nobody has to tell me that i have to take care of my kids, they are the reason why i work, it's their right to have a house and toys and bob along life happily without a worry in the world, that's what i believe...

so if he wants to be this way, go right ahead, life has a funny way of levelling the playing field... and he just better watch out.... dickhead