Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Enough is enough

i've been really fine with my divorce the past few months, but lately it's been irritating me again, ok i irritate easily, but still... i thought i was over the worst, and that is what really gets me, i hope that this isn't what it's going to be like forever, or until the kids leave my little nest... i know that my ex will prop be a part of my life always, and i really don't like it, i would have preferred him disappearing out of my life like a bad dream... but apparently he's here to stay... maybe if he just paid child maintenance every month my irritation level would level out, if he irritates me i can go shop, retail therapy yeah!!! but no there's no damn money for shopping cause he's gotta support himself and it seems like the new girlfriend and i am such a fucking nice person i just keep my freaking mouth shut and accept my lot in life. i must be more proud than i ever knew... everybody is telling me "take him to court"... "don't let him see the kids until he's paid"... and you know i really ponder these heartfelt suggestions, but it's as if i want to show him, in my own stupid little way, that i really don't need him anymore. yeah (i'm not stupid ok) i know i'm shooting myself and my kids in the foot, but like a friend of mine said the other day "a contract or the court doesn't have to tell me what my responsibilities are, i know what they are"... and that is what i expect of the father of my two children, is that too much to ask? it's not fair, really it's not, boohooooooo, that's me crying for myself out of self-pity, self-pity - that's an awful thing i know. i don't allow myself that much pity, just a moment here and there, no public self-pitying allowed in my world, maybe that's a good thing, no i know it's a good thing.
i am a strong person
i am a good mommy to my boys
i have conquered my fears of being alone,
taking on the overwhelming responsibility for my kids well-being, spiritually, emotionally, the whole deal, and i did it... awesome thought.
that's why i don't bother about the money anymore, i struggle, there is not many luxuries in our life, but it's ok.... it's ok.... it's really ok. know what i'm saying? good for you smiley face, i knew you could do it. cause at the end of the day i think the fact that we don't need him anymore is such a bloody surprise to him, it's so funny.... *giggly giggly giggly* nobody has to tell me that i have to take care of my kids, they are the reason why i work, it's their right to have a house and toys and bob along life happily without a worry in the world, that's what i believe...
so if he wants to be this way, go right ahead, life has a funny way of levelling the playing field... and he just better watch out.... dickhead

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