anti climax

when you start a new journey in life...you go through certain emotions that define what you feel at that specific time...for me it was firstly courage...to do the right thing...to take my life and go...to leave the man that i fell in love with, the man that was my first love...i left my husband but i also left my best friend, my lover, my life partner...and yes nobody forced me to go...but it was time...the penny dropped...the last lie was told and i knew...it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do, and hopefully will ever have to do in my life...to give up on somebody that you love so much...anyway...that took courage and what followed was just as traumatic...to be on your own, to be the sole provider, the one person ultimately responsible that the bills are paid, that the kids have a loving, normal life...i was totally responsible for their emotional and physical well being ...the buck stopped right here...that stuff is quite overwhelming...so first it was courage...and then i was just overwhelmed...and even though i had lots of support from family and friends...it's still something that you ultimately must do alone...walk that lonely road...and i did it...i've proven to myself more than anything that i'm stronger than i thought...then came the next phase...fear and the doubt...could i do this...i should have stayed...no...i couldn't...i did stay...18 years too long...i then became angry at the man that i used to know...the husband that never was my husband...and then gratefully the acceptance came...it's a sweet peace that pulls the courage, doubt, fear and anger together...and it feels better...i've been travelling this road for about two years now...give or take...and it's been worse than i imagined, lonelier than i thought...but more peaceful than i expected...but yet....somehow...i expected to find “something” at the end of this road...or rather at this new crossroad that i face...certainly there has to be some sort of relief somewhere...all the trauma, all the hard work, sometime...surely things should get easier...it seems not...i also did not expect that...the anti climax of finding myself here at this time of my life...feeling that surely there has to be more...i'm past the stage where i'm longing for another partner...people can't fill the emptiness...things don't make things better...all of us picture our life a certain way...and somehow this is just not how i pictured it...i know i'm in charge of my own destiny...for too long i have given my destiny into someone else's hands...and we all know that we only have this one chance to make it matter...and all of me don't want to miss that...i haven't come this far to not go further...having said that...i feel somewhat guilty, cause i still have so much to be thankful for...things could have been so much worse...it's not that i'm ungrateful i basically just feel a bit disappointed...mostly in myself...choices...so it's a scary place for me right now...the rev counter of my life seems to be pitching higher than the average person...that's the hand i've been dealt with...or that i have dealt for myself...life goes so fast...we waste so much time on shit that doesn't matter...that's true for me in any case...so i look into my future...and i just pray to God that when i look back on the next thirty five years of my life...i will hopefully smile and think...good times girl...it was a good ride...you did ok...

Monday...

as optimistic as i was friday that's how unsunflowery i feel today... i couldn't get up this morning, the kids took twice as long to get ready for school, i had to yell repeatedly to get a reaction out of them... i hate yelling at my kids, really i do, it's not fair, how difficult is it to listen when i ask politely, pleeeeeeeeeeze sweetie get out of bed ok, ok buster, pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzze get out of bed NOW, and then i have to start yelling, cause i leave in 10 minutes and little buster is still lying in bed, i ask you... it's not fair!!!

i don't know if my way of thinking have gone of the rails completely but in times like that you know who i get mad at?? my ex, he decided to up and go 2 yrs ago, leave my sweet ass all alone with our 2 darling kids, and just waltz into their lives when he feels like it! divorce really is a horrible thing, like this weekend he came to pick them up for the day on sunday, spoiling them silly and then drops them off at home when they're cranky and hungry, i live in the real word vs his dream world... i just wonder (silly me), where the fck does he get money to spoil them for a whole day but there is never money for child support...i have to get over my anger somehow, he just pisses me off i can't tell you, and to top it all off he brought his new girlfriend with on sunday, all perky and giggly, the poor thing, i think i made her very very very nervous, that was quite fun *evil laugh* she has noooooooo idea what lies just around the corner for her... it prop sounds like i need therapy right *shrilly laugh* it's just monday... never a good day for me...

ps: louisa thanx for the post!!

my son turns 12!

i remember being pregnant, with an enormous boep...


i remember giving birth after 18 hours of labour...


i remember every second of that day...


my life was never the same again...

on the 4th of august that same baby boy will be 12 years old... time sure does fly when you're having fun. i just can't believe my baby boy is almost 12! i still feel 12 years old most of time myself so when did all this happen??? i had two kids and two divorces (same guy...oops) in the last 18 years... it all went by too quickly(the good parts that is), i know i sound like a old woman today but my goodness it all really goes by so flippin fast.

both my boys are incredible little human beings, i really have been blessed (most of the time anyway haha) the ~un~blessed times were my own fault, wrong decisions, plenty of those darling... anyway....

happy birthday darling boy, i try my best every day to teach you all that is good and hope that life will smile on you, remember to be happy always ok? i think in life you choose to be happy or not to be happy, choose to be happy, promise me that please. it's so much fun to be alive, we've got so much to be thankful for, make the most of every second! i'll be on the sideline cheering you on, screaming my little heart out, you've made me so proud, sometimes i can't believe that i played a part in you being who you are. always be the kind, caring, funny and lovable kid you are today, you've really made my life so worth it. love you so very much, like i always tell you...

i don't know what i would have done without you!!!

love you always and forever and ever XXX