foreign rainbows

to me this is foreign..i like sex...won't dispute that fact...i also like oral sex, no shocker there...but here's a twist i'm not into...

i bought a cd set about teenage sexuality...due to the fact that kay is bursting with hormones these days...i thought it might be wise to be ready for imminent teenage displays of anger and puppy love... the woman who teach these courses is a very open minded and with~it mom...she's also a christian, i like her...anyway it's a 3cd set and she explains every single thing about teenagers...from the nitty gritty stuff like allowances to the juicy stuff... she spills all the beans and really tells it like it is...luckily i have, touch wood, up till now have had an open and honest relationship with kay...i have explained everything... blow jobs, porn, masturbation, sex, stoney's (bet you don't know what those are!), hard on's, wet dreams...every single thing...and now i had to explain to him about rainbow parties...

at this point i really felt my age...cause truth be told i've never heard about it...ever...seems stuff...parties, sex and the things teenagers are exposed to these days have changed incredibly... even i, a liberated mom, was shocked...this woman, her job is teenagers, what they think and especially what they do...and especially the stuff they want to talk to their parents about...but can't...basically a rainbow party is the following...

each girl comes to the party wearing an excess amount of lipstick...see where this is going...then the guys mingle...can't think of a better word...ahem...then the girls carefully puts a ring of her lipstick on the shaft of every guys' penis...yes apparently they do...and then when everybody is done the guy with the most rings (hence rainbow) wins...fuck...no pun intended...when i was in high school we played spin the bottle!! so if a uninformed teenager asks his uninformed parent ...hey mom can i go to a rainbow party...what do they say...sure honey...have fun!!!

i must admit that this firstly shocked me and secondly it disturbed me...where does teenagers see this stuff...how do you not fall under the pressure of your peers when you are asked or forced to do this...and then you've done it once...and then you are one of the guys...and you are guilty...and then you just go on and do it again...join the orgy...cause that's what it is...seems there are plenty more of these games to play...in groups...that's definitely scary...which teenage boy or girl is mature enough to say...sorry people i'm not gonna do this...fuck this was so shocking to me...the world we live in really has changed...now i must teach my kids to do the right thing and to make the right decisions...how do you do that???!!! the precious woman failed to give us parents a guaranteed solution...all she said was “pray!!!”...maybe she was exaggerating...i hope she was...

teenagers have hormones rushing through them at the speed of lightning...adult hormones people...especially boys...teenage boys produce testosterone at a shocking high level, like literally thousands of times the normal levels...the poor babies! How do you, as a teenage guy say no to a girl who wants to give you a ring of lipstick on your dick...she may even get more than she bargained for...if you know what i'm saying...maybe that's exactly what she needs to shock her back to reality...a mouth full of semen...teenage girls are so funny..."yuck...groooooss...why did you do that!!!..."...that'll teach her...what did she expect, a pat on the head?

bungee!!!

yes i did that in january...good lord have mercy...never eva again... firstly i have a fear of heights... but it's something that i've always wanted to do...so when opportunity came a'knockin... i was ready...it was a totally crazy decision...i'm still glad i did it...but i shit you not...never ever again...it was the closest thing to dying that i've ever experienced...everything rushes past you at the speed of light...i am still surprised that i didn't pee in my panties...thank goodness i didn't cause you can just imagine that spectacle... i smoked like 10 cigarettes in 30 minutes...i used the f word like 10000 times in that 30 minutes before my jump... and nobody actually thought i would have the guts to do it...my kids were there too...so i had to prove a point...i am a lot of things but a sissy i am not...or so i thought...firstly they let you sign the indemnity papers...very clever move...then...oh my greatness...i didn't expect this one...they have a industrial scale...yes they do...to weigh you...IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY...so i did that...and then they write your weight on your hand with a black permanent marker...lovely...then you wait... time freezes...everybody does everything in slow-motion...i was astounded at my chain-smoking abilities...anyway if the weigh-in wasn't bad enough...when it's your turn they check your weight...and then they scream like tarzan...so that everybody can hear your weight again...they have to check if your weight corresponds with the ropes...so there they were screaming...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiight.....X kg.... and the other guy screams....check...x kiiiiiiiilooooooooooograms...fuck...i wanted to scream...yes yes yes...that's my weight asshole....deal with it and move along...ok...ok???!!!...ok....the instructor was very sweet...laughed at my terrible nervous jokes...and told me like 10 times that he promises that he won't kill me...that's just great...i told myself that if they started counting that i WILL jump...otherwise i will freeze and they will have to carry me back...and due to the fact that everyone knew my weight...who would do that??...so everything was checked and checked again...and then it was time...3~2~2...fuck...~bungeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!...and i went...it was crazy...it was so scary that after 2 seconds i closed my eyes and couldn't open them again ... i don't know why people would do that twice...my brother and sister in law has jumped like 60 times each...ok they are crazy mother fuckers...but still...it is so terrifying...but i'm still glad i did it...my kids think i rock...they still impress very easily...but i'm still glad i did it...freaky but fun...it's something that you have to do at least once in your life...

life is good

I believe life is to be lived, enjoyed, not agonized; loved, not hated. – Leland Bartlett

so true...i'm changing things in my life ... growing and changing, it's a good time for me...coming into my own...somehow...i'm a creature of habit...i like to know what i can expect from life and my surroundings...but at the same time i'm gently forcing myself to do things that i've never done...i'm slowly trying to convince myself that people are not inherently evil...that i should trust more easily...and just take things at face value...not to analyse every single little thing...and to enjoy the smaller things around me...the trusting easy way that my kids accept me and love me... my friends that are so loyal and trustworthy...my family that will always be there for me...i am truly blessed in a million different ways...and SARS paid my tax refund...so hey life is good, hope you have a great week, only 5 weeks till christmas holidays!

both sides now

If I look back at my life, I know I am to blame for many of the countless bad decisions that I’ve made, I have suffered at my own hand so to say, allowed another to take away my smile…. I don’t know when it started, it’s something that creeps into a relationship, that changes the dynamic, the natural balance…many woman suffer this way, but we have no scars to show, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse…I was maybe more naive as the average person… trusting the person that I loved not to hurt me… but for some reason he did not find the very essence of me important enough? My head knows the truth but my heart is another story…when you have been abused with words, with looks, with body language…you tread carefully…and even though I know the lies he spoke was not to be believed…some part of me wonders about them…cause if you for example tell a child every day that he or she is the most beautiful little thing on earth, that you cherish them…that makes an impact on that person…just in the same way I believed that I was not worth anything, my thoughts, my actions, everything I tried so hard at…was worthless…there was not one single thing that I could do that was right in his eyes…I know with my head that those were lies, that he was manipulating me, acting out of his own rejection…I wasn’t a battered woman per se…the fact that I don’t have any self-esteem left, that is true, the fact that I see no beauty in my face is true, because he said so, the fact that I don’t find any beauty in my body is true because I believed his lies…I build my self confidence every day, it takes a very long time before I believe something good about myself…he did hit me three times…three times too many…and he must have enjoyed to see my fear…cause that’s one thing I realised…it’s so easy to judge woman when they don’t want leave an abusive relationship…I even think some woman enjoy the drama…but not me...but the abuse in my relationship dulled me…maybe I was over sensitized people think that a person has to deal with traumas like a bad marriage by talking about it…some want to talk the subject to death…but it’s never over…I have thought about all the incidents, the hurts, the realities that was my life for so long, it was like a rock…I turned and touched that rock so much that it’s turned into a pebble…I’ve held that pebble in the palm of my hand for a long time…and then a time came when I got a box…I took tissue paper…I wrapped the pebble in the paper…and I leave the pebble in the box…and then I put the box in my cupboard…and sometimes…for whatever reason…I take out the box…I look at the box…but I don’t open it…and then other times I open the box and I touch the smoothness of the pebble again…I feel every emotion that I have felt …and although I don’t cry easily…when I have a pebble in my hand…I can’t stop my tears….slow sad tears…when I look back at all the ways that you’ve hurt me the one thing I never understood, I never did anything to deserve your abuse, your taunts , your sneers, that vacant look in your eyes that made you look right through me…love never was enough ~ it almost never is…

Song: both sides now-Jodi Mitchell
;
Rows and floes of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

Its cloud illusions I recall

I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As evry fairy tale comes real

Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show

You leave em laughing when you go

And if you care, dont let them know

Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

Its loves illusions I recall

I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say I love you right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say Ive changed

Well somethings lost, but somethings gained

In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

Its lifes illusions I recall

I really dont know life at all

Ive looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

Its lifes illusions I recall

I really dont know life at all

wanna rev my motor??

i watched the old movie when harry met sally last week on etv... remember the scene where h&s discussed orgasms...harry very confident that he always "delivers" and sally proving the point that it's not that difficult to fake... afterwards a lady at a nearby table said: i want what she's having... brilliant!

i probably have faked myself once or twice...although i can't think for the life of me when and where this would have happened... my best friend has this problem... it takes a lot of hard work to get her even close to the point... and the fact that her boyfriend measures his manliness to the times she gets an orgasm...phew...the poor thing...major pressure...hence...no orgasm for her... well not regularly anyway ...so for her it is a necessary to fake more often than not...just to keep him happy...cause why is that men measure their sexual worth with us girls reaching an orgasm? and it doesn't help to explain to her man that she's got issues...he just doesn't get it...which i get...but its something almost impossible to explain to a man...they go from 0 to 100 in 5.3 seconds flat... us woman know this...we are fascinated by this...but as much as we try...we are not porsche's... we need to idle...for some, quite a long time...before you even contemplate putting us in first gear...then slowly shift from first to second...second to third you need to accelerate slightly without being too obvious...fourth to fifth...hard to keep back cause you can see the finish line...and then....we are speeding towards the finish line as fast as you...but men are just different that way...so i salute all you guys that has the staying power...good for you...!

why some woman are crabby

isn't this so true!!... brilliant!

(i did not write this myself)

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. "Just one more good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillow cases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah right. Bite me.

victory is schweeet!

go bokke!

i am so relieved...phew... the english sure gave a whole new meaning to the term "sour grapes"...

anyway!!!

yesterday i thought about this guy i know... he is the type that really understands woman~kind, what's going on inside our heads... very rare indeed...and he is so cute... and sweet and sexy...no i'm not in love... i wish i could fall in love with this guy...but i'm holding back... there sure are sparks flying everywhere when i see mr nice guy... but l hold back... cause there are a few complications... firstly he is the brother of my best friend... now some could say that it's perfect... hit it off with your best friends brother...yes...well... maybe in some cases it can work... but their family is very close knit... like mine...and i know what they do to a girl that hurt their brother... not a pretty sight... and there's never any guarantees... so must i put my friendship on the line...on the off chance that we can hit it off... i don't think so... my friendship with her is really important to me~ i think few people ever have a friendship like mine with my best friend...we've known each other for 12 years...i would literally do anything for her and vise verse... we phone each other like 5 times every day...we know each others deepest and darkest secrets...she's just my best friend and i can't imagine not having her as my best friend...cause you know even if our friendship is cast in stone...blood...that's a whole different story... and then there is complication number two...and this makes me feel like a piece of snake shit...really... cause is something like this supposed to matter...probably not...but it does bother me...ahhh... it's not fair...if it wasn't for this one little thing i probably would have grabbed this piece of man and pulled him into my cave already...but he's paralyzed...no he's actually a quadriplegic... but the nicest...sexiest man you can imagine... but fact is he's a quadriplegic...i feel awful about this... but i just can't imagine my life with his disability...and that makes me feel even worse... am i that shallow... if...if...i ever decided to go ahead and give us a chance i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i will not have the heart to ever dump this man for whatever reason...i can't explain it... and i think that if you start over analyzing a potential relationship... then i know that i shouldn't even think of getting involved... knowing their family for as long as i have..i know what his disability entails...really it's not an easy thing to live with... i feel very selfish and i'm not a selfish person... i can't explain what an incredible man he is... his disability doesn't keep him from doing anything... he works full time... he's got plenty of money... and he's fun... ag i don't know... i suffer from a very guilty conscience... and i feel like shit about it all...

rugby rugby rugby!!!!

i can't waaaaaaaaaait for tomorrow... it's unbelievable how the whole country is rugby crazy at the moment...every single person i saw on the way to work today had something green on, it's great!!!... after all we are going to win...no doubt about that...

go bokke!!!
go bokke!!!
go bokke!!!


i am wearing a tight little green t-shirt today...with black jeens...my ass is looking pretty damn good today glug...i have to admit...i'm doing my best to inspire the nation...and to restore your shattered illusions...sigh... ;-)...that sounds trashy somehow...oh well...it's friday...i'm allowed to be a tit bit trashy on friday's... i can't concentrate on much today...sending happy springbok thoughts all the way to france...

embarrassing moment...or was it?

ok so this is quite trashy and totally weird beyond belief...but it really happened to me...i shit you not...

i go to gym every day to run 2km... soooo...the gym is usually packed that time of day, after work... so when you get your turn there's no time to play... you've only got twenty minutes on the treadmill... peak times and all... i have my mp3 blaring and was quite enjoying my jog....5 minutes in...no problem...10 minutes in... no problem... at exactly 12 minutes into my jog... i have a sensation in my lower body... i stopped...wondering if i should maybe go pee... nah...only got 8 minutes to go...surely my bladder can hold till then...have a little pep talk with my bladder...ok...jump on the treadmill again...

and then it happened...

drum roll..

drum roll...

**and the winner to the most embarrassing moment EVER goes to....**

i had a rocking orgasm right there on the treadmill...i swear...

it was lovely!...but on the treadmill???...running???

...i'm quite a screamer so how do you keep a straight face and make not a single noise...

and then i started giggling...uncontrollably...

the people around me thought i was having cramps or something...but i just had an orgasm...

can you believe that...i literally had a orgasmic run...oy...

facebook

i don't do facebook...shocking i know...but i don't know where everybody gets the time!...blogging takes up quite a considerable amount of time in my day...i have quite a few blogs i visit...so how do you guys fit it all in??...and of course the big question...what is the big attraction??...tell me so that i can rethink my strategy...

the problem i have with facebook...and blogs have the same problem... most people like to blog semi anonymously, like me... it gives you the freedom to really say whatever you wanna say without anybody you know or love realising that you are blabbing to the whole world what you are up to... and what i find quite interesting is the fact that your online "voice" or persona usually is perceived in a certain way...people obviously have a mental picture of a person... and as humans we usually think that person is way sexier or prettier or nicer than they really are...face it none of us bloggers are really models...we are normal people with freckles and stuff... i don't have freckles but i'm just saying... why do we always expect someone we meet online to be bloody perfect... we are all human... girls usually have cellulite guys, really only the really young ones don't... you single guys usually aren't that great looking either... so what? we don't expect you to look like brad pitt do we?...are we all supposed to be perfect... when you are young...that makes me sound ancient...which i'm not...but when you hit your thirties i think most people realise that there are more to most people than their looks... but it seems that most guys want us girls to look like pamela anderson... and hello people... even if you think she is a hottie...i think she's a ho...and i don't wanna look like her...that is high maintenance right there... and you guys sure don't want high maintenance do you... you want the perfect looking chick with a perfect body and a perfect personality...and i'm sorry to be the one to tell you... you are having a wet dream... wake up and face it... we are normal girls ...with probably a normal body, lovely tits and of course i have a sweet ass... ok do you really think i have a sweet ass... big shocker... i have a normal ass... we all seem to live in la~la~land and seem to be disappointed so easily...

expats...

expatriate (in abbreviated form, expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing or legal residence. the word comes from the Latin ex (out of) and patria (country, fatherland), and is sometimes misspelled (either unintentionally or intentionally) as ex-patriot or short x-pat, because of its pronunciation.

this is quite a controversial subject…and i’m not judging anyone…but i live in a country where every single person here knows someone who has left our shores for good…my brother and his wife are living in the US…kansas city…hurricane country…but apparently they’ll rather take their chances with a hurricane than with our criminals…i can understand why they went…my brother was hi-jacked (car jacked)…it scarred and scared him simultaneously…which is understandable…but it’s still sad…i miss my brother so much, haven’t seen him for 5 years…when he was approached for a good job he jumped at the chance…they love it there…but i can’t help myself wondering how great is really is to uproot yourself and to walk into a new culture…some i have heard from first-hand says the culture shock is quite severe…it takes time to fit in…to make friends…it takes a long time…and i just wonder…aren’t you always labelled as a foreigner…cause face it that’s what you are…you don’t laugh at the same jokes…you don’t get the nuances right away…there are traditions and under currents that don’t come naturally when you put your suitcases down…that’s gotta be tough…my cousin married a german and is now a german citizen herself… she says it took her 10 years to actually laugh at the same jokes as the germans...she just did not get their jokes...and sometimes she would laugh hysterically at something that no one else found funny...imagine that!...she now has three deutche kinders …they come to visit south africa every year … then there are 3 american cousins that came to visit south africa over christmas for the first time…and they all l~o~v~e~d it…they were surprised that what they found here was not the picture the world painted of how it was here…the one german cousin's dream is to emigrate here and to open a biltong kiosk (ok he’s only 12 years old but still)…aint that funny…lol!...i just think it must be so tough to give up your roots and to survive in a new country…you guys living in the UK and US that read my blog…what’s your take on this…are the people who make their homes in your country really welcome?...even the basic terminology is different …my brother went into a supermarket and asked for a trolley…they didn’t know what he was talking about…trolleys are called carts there…another one is a robot…a lot of us talk about robots…not a traffic light…and of course the gas…we use gas in cylinders here…for when the power is out…or when we go camping…we put petrol in our cars…kilometers and meters and centimeters...i don't understand inches and miles…i understand the reasons for leaving, crime mostly and affirmative action, but we all try to manage the crime to live a normal life…i’m not ignorant…i know crime is at a all-time high…but as far as i know you can get hi-jacked in the US too…i just can’t believe that it’s so damn awful living in this beautiful country…i know we are facing change...but we'll get there...i know we will...i love south african people, all the cultures…the diversity…so i will be staying right here…i have a braai with a huge open fire right in my back yard as often as i can…i get tears in my eyes every time we sing nkosi sikele at a rugby game…it’s silly stuff but i can’t imagine my life without them…

here’s some of the stuff my german cousin takes back to germany with every visit:

peppermint crisps…chocolate bar with peppermint mixture inside…yummy

cream soda… it’s delicious~!

rooibos tea…a local variety of tea...sweet and very nice

mrs. balls’ chutney…

all gold tomato sauce...no ketchup thanks...i want 36 (shhhhhhhhh) tomatoes in one bottle...

zambuk ointment~ i know this is crazy, my cousin grew up with zambuk, for every scrape, cut or bruise call zambuk, she literally takes about 50 tins back when she visits…i promise...

biltong…although you are not allowed to take it out of the country anymore…raw meat…seasoned and dried…good stuff

koeksisters: doughy and syrupy…

milk tart...

marie biscuits: love them, do you get lemon creams abroad? i would not survive without lemon creams...

swear words: kak, bliksem, moer, fok!

anyway i think it’s quite sad that we are loosing our sisters and our brothers… i can’t imagine doing something like that myself, i love this country too much, i love my family too much…i want my kids to know their family and heritage..i would not survive any other place…to me africa is home and always will be…

we miss you guys!

hope all your dreams come true...

can it be???

ok before i get into the "can it be????" part....i had a great weekend, little jay had his birthday on friday...8 years old...my baby is not a baby anymore...sniff...anyway we had a party on friday and on saturday and on sunday...really...parties sort of gets out of hand in our family...we just can't get enough...and then of course it was rugby semi-final last night...we are so gonna win the world cup!!!! touch wood~hug a tree~ i can't wait for the final!

back to "can it be???..."

*sigh*

so after two years of being divorced...very happily divorced i might add...rainbows and shit, that kind of happy...my sixth sense radar...which is always finely tuned...picked up vibes that i wish are wrong...let me explain...saturday morning...my ex pitches up to take the boys out for the morning...we planned to buy them both new cell phones...big surprise...so i had to go with to get the contracts signed...daddy pays the bills...i have the credit rating...anyway...the kids love the phones...they were ecstatic to the point of me contemplating to get some alcohol into them to calm them down...calm down of course i didn't do that...but they were so happy and jumping around like crazy people..it was unreal...so cellphones bought daddy informs me in front of the kids...let's go for breakfast....i'm like...arched brows...o~k~...the kids of course "yes yes yes mommy~ come with us pleaaaaaaaaaaze..."...so i went...i was so scared someone i know would recognise me ...this was just the kind of thing the shrink told me to avoid...the smallest thing gives kids hope ...anyway i ate my breakfast in a record time...and excused myself...so later...he drops off the kids...and gives me a digital camera....sixth sense radar warning bells ringing incessantly...roger that gut...i've got you covered...over and out...sigh...he's too friendly...the gifts...we are civil mostly...but friendly...not really...and this morning i got an email from him... he says the kids want to spoil me...booked me a facial...ha!...fucker...i~am~not~stupid...he must be trying a new drug of choice because i honestly think...yes...he's trying his best to make me soft...then to come in for the kill...fuck!!! why is he doing this... i can't tell you how annoyed in am at this thought...and you know what...he's gonna use the kids...he's tried it before and he's trying again...that really pisses me off...don't use my kids to get what you want...it reeks of a manipulative, self absorbed, selfish person...and in very poor taste...shame on you....so i will have to be brutal...which will be much fun...

thank the dear Lord i'm over that man...i just don't get it...men sure are funny...and quite predictable...

anti climax

when you start a new journey in life...you go through certain emotions that define what you feel at that specific time...for me it was firstly courage...to do the right thing...to take my life and go...to leave the man that i fell in love with, the man that was my first love...i left my husband but i also left my best friend, my lover, my life partner...and yes nobody forced me to go...but it was time...the penny dropped...the last lie was told and i knew...it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do, and hopefully will ever have to do in my life...to give up on somebody that you love so much...anyway...that took courage and what followed was just as traumatic...to be on your own, to be the sole provider, the one person ultimately responsible that the bills are paid, that the kids have a loving, normal life...i was totally responsible for their emotional and physical well being ...the buck stopped right here...that stuff is quite overwhelming...so first it was courage...and then i was just overwhelmed...and even though i had lots of support from family and friends...it's still something that you ultimately must do alone...walk that lonely road...and i did it...i've proven to myself more than anything that i'm stronger than i thought...then came the next phase...fear and the doubt...could i do this...i should have stayed...no...i couldn't...i did stay...18 years too long...i then became angry at the man that i used to know...the husband that never was my husband...and then gratefully the acceptance came...it's a sweet peace that pulls the courage, doubt, fear and anger together...and it feels better...i've been travelling this road for about two years now...give or take...and it's been worse than i imagined, lonelier than i thought...but more peaceful than i expected...but yet....somehow...i expected to find “something” at the end of this road...or rather at this new crossroad that i face...certainly there has to be some sort of relief somewhere...all the trauma, all the hard work, sometime...surely things should get easier...it seems not...i also did not expect that...the anti climax of finding myself here at this time of my life...feeling that surely there has to be more...i'm past the stage where i'm longing for another partner...people can't fill the emptiness...things don't make things better...all of us picture our life a certain way...and somehow this is just not how i pictured it...i know i'm in charge of my own destiny...for too long i have given my destiny into someone else's hands...and we all know that we only have this one chance to make it matter...and all of me don't want to miss that...i haven't come this far to not go further...having said that...i feel somewhat guilty, cause i still have so much to be thankful for...things could have been so much worse...it's not that i'm ungrateful i basically just feel a bit disappointed...mostly in myself...choices...so it's a scary place for me right now...the rev counter of my life seems to be pitching higher than the average person...that's the hand i've been dealt with...or that i have dealt for myself...life goes so fast...we waste so much time on shit that doesn't matter...that's true for me in any case...so i look into my future...and i just pray to God that when i look back on the next thirty five years of my life...i will hopefully smile and think...good times girl...it was a good ride...you did ok...

cyanide and happiness...

testicles aka hanging balls

but in this particular case these things can actually only be called one thing.... balls...

oh~my~greatness...

why in the world would you be dof (stupid) enough to want to pay money to firstly buy these things and then proceed to hang these on the rear end of your car...please note that people are not forced or threatened in any way to put these on their cars.... they want to put it on!!! why????...why?...why?...why?...

what did your girlfriend...your wife....say when you rocked up at home with these beauties...oh yes sweetheart...let's go put them on...oh wow...standing back...clapping hands....it looks just....what...peachy?...sexy (i think not...).... just know that every time a guy with a pair of swinging balls drive past us girls...we roll our eyes...we do n~o~t think you are in any way cool or sexy or adorable...do you actually think people admire your set...really??...shut up!!....really??? ...just take the balls off...please...and throw them into the nearest dumpster you can find...and destroy any other evidence of ownership...

i just don't get it...i thought it was a south african thang...but it seems the idea originated in the good old us of a...thank goodness for that....our men are not the only chops out there...the website calls them car nuts...eueeeeeeeeeeeeehwwwwwwwwwwwww.... i'm sure it all started with a few too many beers one friday afternoon...in the workshop...and lots and lots of laughter...and then the son of a gun made a packet...

boys to men

ok so there are quite a few things that seems to have been genetically removed from the dna of all men when they are conceived...

firstly they c~a~n~n~o~t...look for anything that's missing...they look yeah right...but they can't find anything ~ ever...and i'm the only female in the house...guess what i do 99% of the time...the other day my son was looking for the cookies...not a needle...a giant pack of cookies...in the cupboard...and he couldn't find it...i was directing him from in from of my possie by the tv...

me: look on the bottom shelf

jay: it's not there!!!!

me: it's there...just open your eyes darling male person...

jay: its~not~there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: ok, put your hand straight out...move it to the left a little bit...ok...ok...there! take the pack of cookies...

jay: oh there it is...

i ask you!

some other things that i try so hard to teach them...but without any success so far...

put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket...

pull the plug out after your bath...

open the window to let all the steam out...

hang up your wet towel!!!...

don't pee on the lid of the toilet...or on the tiles child!...inside the toilet ok!?...

ok remember to flush the toilet...

did you wash your hands?

i sound like my mother...i know i shouldn't sweat the small stuff...but i can't help myself....my mom had a point back then...i have, i kid you not, probably told them 3769643 times to do the things above...and they still forget...once i tried to make a point and instead of taking all their dirty clothes for them and put it in the laundry basket...i made a pile in the middle of their room...and the pile grew into a mountain...and they walked over and around the mountain but it never dawned on them that they could remove the mountain...i'm at the point of giving up...it's so much easier just to do the stuff and have peace for all womankind...if they could just do these small things...my life would be a much better place...fact...but they don't...fact...

to be the hunter or the hunted...

to be the hunter or to be the hunted...that is the new modern woman's question...or mine anyways...things have changed soooo much in the dating game...it's quite frightening...it seems that guys want you...(that too)...they want you to hunt them down and to throw them over your neanderthal shoulder and to take them back to your cave....besides the fact that i won't be able to physically haul my kinda guy over my shoulder...i'm just not that kind of girl...which presents a problem don't you think??...it's just not my game...i will be giving you (the chosen one)...the look...so you'll know to proceed...take out your bow and arrow and proceed to hunt me down lover~boy...i love that game...the initial flirting...the accidental touch....ah bliss...but when did all of this change...and who decided that it must change...whoever made that decision...i veto that...i'm sorry...it's not half as much fun for me to hunt you down silly boy...i want you to hunt me ok??...and then i will proceed to kick and scream...it's part of the game...until you throw me over your shoulder and take me to your cave...when we get there i will not be screaming and kicking anymore...promise...

am i wrong...maybe i am...i've read pieces of a book called "he's just not into you" and am a firm believer that if a guy is interested...come hell or high water...he w~i~l~l make a move...

ps: check out my rugby~face pic's on previous post...i am a fanatic...clearly!

rugby!!!

yesterday's rugby world cup game (south africa vs fiji) left me with a headache...

it was so close! but at least the bokke won...yeah!!!!!!!!!

that's me yesterday...in support of my team!!!

weekend duties...

it's weekend!

have a great one!

blow jobs...

before i do my post i just want to clarify something...i like the fact that i can write about everything that is me...i'm a woman...a mother...a daughter and a friend...all of that makes me who i am...so if i choose to write about bj's then i'm not trying to shock anyone or whatever...i just wanted to write about it...ok?...ok!

yeah you read right…blow jobs…this is quite a no-no subject i presume but what the hell…i have told no one i know that i have a blog…precisely for this reason…i can write about anything and nobody will be shocked…i was thinking about blow jobs when i was lying in a warm tub of bubbles sipping on my g&t last night…that just sounds wrong…hmmm….let me rephrase…i was thinking that my skills…practiced and perfected…are going to waste…there~ i said it…i am the blow job queen and this is a very sad state of affairs…so if you are perv and want to jerk off while reading this…move along…so back to the bj’s…everybody says sex is like riding a bike…you just get back in the saddle and there you go…great in theory but unfortunately riding a bike and having sex is really just not the same thing…really…and having sex and having great sex are two different things too…having great sex comes with practice…lots and lots of that… and giving a mind boggling bj requires technique…and being the queen that I am…i fear that when I jump back in the saddle i would have reverted back to entry level sex…and that sucks…no pun intended…so anyway…that’s that…

guys don’t know that us girls do in fact converse extensively about sex…i think if anyone listened in to a recent conversation with my best friend…please take note we are both straight…they simply just would not have believed it…i have turned into my best friend’s sex counselor…whenever she has a problem we take the whole problem apart and discuss various hilarious ways of fixing the problem…to the extent that she one day called me and said that we have to stop discussing her sex life cause she actually thought of me when she was having sex…trying out one of my suggestions…haha…we’re still straight…i told her to stop thinking too much when she’s getting it and to concentrate on the job at hand…giggle …another friend was also having problems…major marital shit was more like it…and she is unfortunately one of those girls…she does not like sex…which sucks big time…i was really trying to help her and gently asked if she has considered oral sex…it’s quite handy if you’re not really in the mood (which she never is) and boy it’s all a guy apparently needs to afterwards fall into a deep sleep…she nearly had a hissy-fit at the mere suggestion that she should give her poor husband a blow job…i then felt quite the whore to have even suggested it…how unfair is that…her husband just loves her to bits and obviously he just can’t get enough of her…and what does she do…she cringes at the thought of sex…unfucking-believable…anyway…good luck to her…i did my best…so that’s my take on blow jobs and oral sex and great sex…i’m currently missing out big time…come to think of it…someone else is also missing out big time…sigh…so that wasn’t a total perverted post now was it!

my tootsies...

for those who wanted to see my newly painted tootsies...drumroll...here they are!

i know the toe next to my big toe is longer than my big toe...apostle feet is what they're called...heheee...apparently i can run really fast...

dna...

for the last two nights i couldn’t sleep…ok i had two space-jackers next to me hogging the bed…last night i even ended up on the couch…and when i woke up…both were asleep on the floor…precious…anywayaaz…i’ve been thinking…which is not always a good thing…but it passes time…so that is what i did…i’m the youngest of five…all five of us were raised by the same set of parents…good times…all of us turned out the be semi normal people…we have plenty of moments where we freak out to the point of me wondering if i really wasn’t swapped at birth…but generally all is rather normal…now why is this…is it the same dna strain we share…or is it circumstances…routine…environment you exist in that molds you into what you are…i really wonder about this…cause see i have these two brilliant kids…and they have the absolute best of my most powerful dna i could gather around the day they were conceived…and then they share their dad’s dna also…now let me explain this…i really loved that man…but i was as blind as a bat when it came to his faults…you know the flashing red lights with the ear piercing sirens…i missed those somehow…let me be fair and list his good qualities…he’s good looking...he’s strong...he was handy around the house...he washed dishes...i’m thinking really hard here….what else…he can be very sweet sometimes…but…you see there comes the but…the sweetness, the confidence…they are not really good characteristics…cause you see i never knew if the sweetness were actually borne out of manipulation to get what he wanted…cause that’s what he did…he is a absolute fucking master at manipulating people and situations and words…he can look you in the eye…he can even add a tear to dramatize the deal…and lie in your face without batting an eyelid…he is uber convincing …but he uses people, he lies, he hurts people, he makes promises that he never intends to keep, he says horrible ugly things just to hurt a person just because he feels like it…he’s hugely selfish, he admits this himself…and last of all it seems that he has no conscience…and you see there is my problem…my kids share the same dna as this man…fuck…he was adopted, found his biological mother 20 years later and it turns out he uses e~x~a~c~t~l~y the same tricks as his hit and run biological dad did…that’s fucking freaking me out totally…(without trying to sound proud of myself)…i really work hard at raising my boys right…cause it doesn’t happen by itself…and i want them to be well adjusted happy grown-ups one day…i just want them to be kind and honest men…and here is my question…they are growing up in an environment where i dominate…my good dna and input…lingers around them day in and day out…they share more time with me than they do with the other dna donor…so if environment and circumstances/input makes a person who they are…they should be fine…i have a huge family…they are daily surrounded by grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins that have a wonderful input in their lives…but my ex had the same…he was brought up in a great home similar to mine…sure they weren’t perfect…but from a very young age my ex rebelled against life and society…he still believes that the world owes him something…what i have no idea…but he believes that …and his biological father was the same…so what the fuck…i just want to die and blow away in the wind at the mere thought that my kids should have one lying, manipulating, horrible bone in their beautiful bodies…they are such good kids…with pure hearts…i worry about this shit…cause it sure is shit to say what i’m saying without really saying what i know you know I’m saying…fuck…comprendo?

mother-in-law...

what a shocker...i will one day...hopefully a million years from now...actually be a freaking mother-in-law...and being the sweet person that i am...i plan to be a horrible mother-in-law...i don't want to be...i just don't know how the hell i will be able to pull myself together and to be a nice mother-in-law...i have so much sympathy for all the bad assed mother-in-laws world-wide...and i take my hat off to my ex-mother-in-law...but i will do my best...i just pray to God that my sons will bring home some first class chicks...i will probably end up like jane fonda in the movie ~monster~in~law~...how do you switch off years and years of wanting just the absolute best for my sons...and then handing that perfect little package over to a snot-nosed girl who my son drools over...arrghhhh...you see i've taught my son's to be very well mannered...so the daughter-in-law will be much spoilt...and she will have no idea that it was due to all my blood and sweat!... so far i have taught my son's to do the following...and they really do it too...

they pick wild flowers out of the garden...and give them to me...

they tell me i look beautiful in the mornings....

they tell me they love me...

they open the front door and my car door for me...

they collect the neighbour's daughter at her front door in the mornings (she drives with us to school)...takes her bag...put it in the car for her...and open the door so she can get in...

these little things may sound very insignificant to you but these are the things any girl looooooooooooooveeeeessss...we're easy that way...and these things are simply genetically foreign to any man...believe me when i tell you that it has taken years of manipulation and skill to teach them these habits...the poor things have been drilled like soldiers...every morning i parade in my outfit...hinting for a compliment...and now they just give the compliment...and it seems they actually mean it...how about that!...these are little things that i always appreciate in a guy...i would rather want a flower from the garden than 100 red roses delivered by the florist...i'm such a romantic...hurl...cause you see if you don't teach them these habits, they will never do them one day...that's a promise...i should actually ask lebola...this practise is used in the black culture...when a girl wants to get married the guy has to buy the father a bunch of cows...or give him some money...i want some money honey...i work really hard to produce these great men to become some lucky girl's husband one day...and what do i get...i get to wear a beige dress at the wedding and to please shut up...fuck that...i will be giving the girl a bit of a hard time...if she passes...i will make her feel all welcome in the family and make her promise to give me lots of grandbabies...i plan to be a rockin grandmother...like i said...this will only happen a million years from now...but still...

i taught them well...

hello world!

i'm back! and i feel brand new...strange what a week's holiday can do to a person...ah it was bliss...i spent every cent i saved on the kids...and they spent it all without thinking twice...that's how it should be! it was really great, i took the kids bikes with and they had a blast...i had to watch them doing some drift maneuver like a million and two times...and i enthusiastically screamed from the sideline every time...sometimes more in fear that their front teeth will be knocked out... jay took over the game driving...he sat on my lap and did all of the steering and i did the peddles... which he really enjoyed...on the second day i asked kay to come with on the game drive and his reply..."didn't we see all the animals yesterday?"...needless to say he opted to go swimming instead...my mom taught me that i should build memories with my kids...which is excellent advice don't you think...and memories we built...i played more putt-putt (mini golf) than i ever will play again combined for the rest of my life!...my two sons really surprised me with their snooker ability...i mean they are 8 and 12 and the tricks they know...quite astounding...they even have a backwards~behind~the~back~trick that they pull off~ quite remarkable...considering that jay is about a head higher than the snooker table...he knocked in four balls one after the other...like i say i was stunned...and pleasantly surprised...we swam until we looked like prunes...and fed the squirrels until they could eat no more...otherwise we had our first summer-rain, it rained the whole night...i slept like a babe...i even painted my toe nails yesterday in honour of summer...and the best news of all...the ex paid his maintenance...oh yeah!!!!!!! good times man...phew...anyway folks i am babbling much about nothing today...great to be back...hope you missed me?? i'm so vain...