Sunday, April 27, 2008

unanswered questions

many people would probably think i'm hung up on the past, because it's been two years and still sometimes stuff surface that i post about, my divorce, my feelings about it, and for you that find this irritating, i accept that, but i have to deal with these emotions as they happen, they're less frequent these days but i need to talk about them cause i so want to rid myself of it as soon as i possibly can, that truth is very much a part of me, for me that is the case anyway, so i write these thoughts down, because this space i created for that purpose, to get rid of the junk that still spills over me sometimes, i have to deal with these things as they come up, so that's why i write what i do... i have to be true to myself... here goes...

it is said when people divorce that there are always two sides, for some surely that is true, and for me? i still look for the reasons, my fault in all of that... that was my marriage...

was i jealous?
did i expect too much of him?
did i want too much?
what did i do wrong?

what did i do to make him do the things that he did, say the things that he did... i've made some sort of peace with myself, i've negotiated with myself and came up with some sort of truce that i could live with...

cause i had to have some part of the demise didn't i?
i couldn't have done everything right, why should i be justified?

... so i hold myself accountable for things that i'm unable to name, that i've given up trying to name, for as objective and honest as i can be~ the only crime i committed was to love too much...
that i followed my heart instead of my head... to have made too many wrong decisions...

that~ is what i did wrong... something that i will never allow myself to do again... and something that i still struggle to forgive myself for... cause it broke a lot of hearts, broke my spirit for a while, shook everything that was held dear to my sons, for that i am guilty, for that part i have no excuse... i was part of it...

i look at pictures of myself and my sons after my divorce and blissfully that strain, that clinging decay was left behind, thankfully... but the scars remain, the guilt remain, the shame... what price did i have to pay, what price did my sons have to pay to get to this point?

8 COMMENTS....bite me!:

Anonymous said...

ahh keep writing it if it helps. I'll keep reading, and even commenting even tho there is nothing I can say to help.

Keep on moving ahead, thats all you can do.
Good Luck

c@th said...

never apologise for being brave with your pain. X

sweets said...

sage: thanks hun, i'll get there, that's for sure ;)

c@th: 8 words of wisdom, i'll remember that ;)

Anonymous said...

I got this from a friend yesterday:

In any relationship you willingly place yourself with love:
You are entitled to be respected.
You are entitled to be cherished.
You are entitled to be adored.
You are entitled to be loved.

If you didn't get that, you had the 'right' to leave. It's not easy and you know how I struggle to make that decision.

HUGS to you

BecauseIcan said...

Its difficult to not think and talk about some things.. particularly when children are involved.. You are never truly free from the exhusbands/ ex boyfriends/ stalkers..

You are only human.. my ex has protection order against him and is an arsefuk of momentous proportions..
I have to reconcile that I procreated with him.. Its difficult to think about the stupid choices I made when I was younger.. But I find writing about it helps and prevents me from acting on some VERY primal urges... lol!

So what I am saying in a very drawn out fashion is this.. Write about it.. say it in pictures.. Podcast your feelings.. Make yourself heard.. lay it on the world.. tell everyone how you feel.. who cares if they want to hear about it or not?
Its not about them.. its about you, and your need to express it and deal with it..


ozymandiaz said...

I wish my ex would ask those questions of herself. as far as I know everyhting is my fualt with those concerns

angel said...

darling sweets, don't never let no one give you flak for still thinking things over after 2 years. a marriage, children, divorce... these are not akin to buying a new car or shoes or moving house- they are forever.

Caz said...

Ya! what all of them said.
Sweets I think you are very brave. I look at my single mom friends and see them as heroes.

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