Thursday, August 7, 2008

the abyss

OK I'm all serious today :)


a few weeks ago an old friend of mine committed suicide, she was 33, had three babies under 6 and one day she just jumped off a bridge onto the highway... nogal on her birthday...

I'm still shocked... shocked and numb... and for some reason i just can't get her out of my head... it makes no sense to me at all... at what point is jumping off a bridge easy? what does that solve? how selfish is that to take your own life and leave your family behind? in what state of mind do you have to be to not think of your three kids, your husband, your family that's on their way to celebrate your birthday... and just get on the railing and jump...

it's truly horrific and i just don't get it... and for that I'm sorry... I'm sorry that i didn't see the signs, sorry i didn't see the desperation... sorry all i could think was condescending irritable thoughts...
her suicide really shook me cause i knew what a kind person she was and doing something that horrific just wasn't who she was... i just don't understand... since her death I've desperately tried to understand, I've talked to my mom at length about it, she gave me a book to read about depression... and i admit i understand a little bit better now... but i still struggle... it's so foreign to me... sure i get down in the dumps, i've been through some horrible stuff in my life that when i look back now i thank God that somehow i got through it, without thinking that taking my own life was an option... and for that i'm thankful, but it seems sort of hollow to me now, unfair that i'm safe... i can't imagine that someone could take their life just because they thought it's the only way out...

i have another friend who suffers from depression, on and off her meds, and if i don't hear from her i know... she's stepped into the abyss... she doesn't want to talk to me when she's depressed... which is quite understandable... feeling like that am I'm like... sweety get your ass in gear, honestly, life is never that bad!... just not the type of thing you want to hear i guess... so there's no point really to my post, just a bit of a wake up call for me... that my reality is not my neighbours... that depression is indeed a reality ... so I'll try my best to be a better friend, to not judge, to not want to fix everything, to be there and to try to understand this beast called depression that pulls so many into it's belly and just won't let go...
peace out

17 COMMENTS....bite me!:

Glugster said...

Depression is much more crippling than most people think.

nicole said...

So sorry about your friend sweets. That is heartbreaking.

Depression is an illness and the person suffering just cannot control it.

Jenty said...

Those poor kids! So sorry about your friend.

Ruby said...

i feel you pain sweety:(
xxxx

Tamara said...

Hectic. It's so hard to lose a friend like that. Her poor husband and children. But when you're suffering from serious depression your world seems to close in on you so there is only yourself and the darkness. She probably wasn't at a place where she was able to think logically about her family and felt that they'd be better off without her. Poor lady.

Charmskool said...

I feel for you losing your friend and for her family who just will never find answers or acceptance of her act. But as a depressive, I know from experience that if you don't have excellent treatment and understand your condition, it's so easy to go to a place that is so dark and deep that you can't envision it getting any better. Thanks again Dr Tony T!

Arkwife said...

I can't relate at all....and that scares me. I have friend who also suffers from depression, and even though I thought it could never really be that bad (and I didn't believe her when she said a non-sufferer could never understand), I realise now that she's right. I will never understand, unless I go through it myself.

Don't beat yourself up for not understanding Sweets. If we did, it would only mean that we're going through the same thing. And our friends who do suffer from depression would never wish that for us.

BecauseIcan said...

Difficult for everyone..

Sympathies to family..

The Divine Miss M said...

Recently I've been trying to understand depression as it affected a really close friend of mine. What I learnt is that when you're depressed it isn't actually any one thing that is upsetting you so saying "chin up, the world isn't that bad" isn't going to help. In fact the person doesn't even really know what is making them depressed, they just are.

Being there for them is the only thing you can do really and hope that they talk to you or to someone else.

My thoughts are with your friends family, especially the children.

justBcoz said...

It's a debilitating, life-shattering illness ...

In bad cases there's normally a chemical imbalance in the brain that contributes to the condition, along with a series of traumatic events that combine to create a bottomless pit of darkness.

Just the tiniest little trigger can spark off a downward spiral of gloom.

Only accurate diagnosis, knowing what your triggers are, ongoing medical and therapeutic treatment plus active, loving support from friends and family can help.

I'm so sorry ...

phillygirl said...

OMG. That's quite a hectic story. So sad when it affects people we're close too!

But ye, I get the whole depression thing. Generally I can always find something in the future worth waiting life out for ... but I think I can relate more to your friend than to you. And you're right, sometimes the lesson learned needs only to be "that my reality is not my neighbours". So well said and a lesson for us all, I think.

cathjenkin said...

this is so so sad to hear. depression - they werent joking when they said it is a silent killer.

i will think of your friends family tonight.

X

ozymandiaz said...

it's OK not to understand
depression is not something one can reason with
one can but accept and love
and pray for peace

angel said...

i am so sory sweets... and she was all over the news too.
i so know when i need my happy pills- and i try not to stop taking them. i have never been anywhere near suicidal, and i could not imagine feeling so bad that i thought that was the only way out.
hugs tjomma.

Denguy said...

I don't truly understand it either--depression.

supermom said...

I often think of her (well her death). It's just so sad. That's the thing. Depression is so personal...so within yourself that it makes you someone you don't even know. It's just so so so sad that it ended like that

Slyde said...

i am so sorry to hear about this..

 
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