building tracks

please note: this post has not been spell checked... so grammer and spelling police... back off;-) ... the darn thing doesn't work, and needless to say the bloody paragraphs doesn't work well either today... other than that...enjoy!

have you ever heard something someone said or something you thought of and it just made perfect sense? ... aha...perfect sense in an instant... profound words that's written on your heart and left there for all eternity ~just for you...

sometimes these words or phrases or sentences doesn't mean anything or wouldn't mean anything to another person... cause at that precise moment the culmination of emotions, the surroundings, the look in someones eye, the mood around you and the words all together makes perfect sense at that exact moment... your moment...

it seems that i am in a strange place at the moment... someone told me years ago that capricorns are late bloomers... this is probably not true to every capricorn but i think it is earth shatteringly true about me... i have always felt that there are still things to come for me and from me... it is very difficult to explain but there it is... something happened to me that made perfect sense to me some four or five years ago...

i was going through the final limb jerking moments before my marriage finally died a horrible death... that's how my marriage ended... jerking and crunching and constricting in one ugly movement until it was dead and lifeless and useless...the eggshells that i was walking on had cut right to the bone...bleeding and festering.. and it left me lifeless and silent...in this time i was talking to my ever wise brother in law... he is much younger than me but such an example... he lives every second so thoroughly it leaves those around him breathless... so we were just chatting, he was asking ridiculous questions and i was giving him sarcastic answers... and all of a sudden he said something that i still remember to this day...he looked at me and said

“i could never go through what you are going through right now... i am too selfish..."

and these words would make no impact on you now would it... but in that instant i realized so many things... so here i am years later... with a heart that is not broken anymore... with children that can sleep through the night... with my eyes bright with life and not with tears... anticipating something unknown...

i heard something the other day that would probably explain that what i wish to say... apparently years ago they built a railway track over the alps... before there were any trains... because they knew that someday there would be trains that will need this particular track... and that is how i feel... i'm rebuilding my tracks...