letting go

I've been divorced now for roughly 2 years... that's about 730days, 17520 hours... that's a long time right. I've moved on with so many different parts of my life, for the first time I was independent, I married very young, I was only 19 years old the first time.

It was a huge adjustment when I got divorced but I have to admit that I have flourished since then. I have found myself again, I'm happy, I'm confident. Those are all great things to achieve personally and I would really not change any of it. I had a conversation with my Mom a while back, we discussed the disaster that was my marriages. But she made a very interesting observation, she said that even she's not sorry about the fact that I ever married my ex, because not many people meet someone and love that insensely. So like the age old saying goes... it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

And for me at least, that was and is true. The highs were incredibly high and the lows just unbelievably devastating, but the fact remains that I truly loved. I daresay and am quite reluctant to admit it to myself, but in a way he was the one for me, cause when I said goodbye to my marriage I gave up my lover and my best friend.

It's something that I still struggle with but thank God don't hold on to anymore, the fact that i truly loved this man once. And what i struggled so much with was that if you do in fact truly love someone then how on God's green earth is it possible to just not love that person anymore?

I would never admit this to my ex and for that matter anyone else but as much as i hate this man I still love him and probably always will. Loving him doesn't mean that I will take him back into my bed or allow him back into my life, that part is forever over and I will never ever allow myself to go down that road again. But thankfully the fierce love that I felt for him for 15 years (I met him when I was 16), that intensity is gone~ for I truly let him go, my heart doesn't break when I see him with another woman, but I care for his wellbeing, I care what happens to him and how he is, I wish him well, just as you do everybody that you love.

That may be strange and it has taken me 2 years to get to this point where I could actually admit it to myself, and that in itself is quite liberating. It's ok that I still love him, if I claimed that I did back then when we were married and could only look at him now, after the divorce with disdain, that love would not have been true love.

My point is probably not very clear I know, but I need to send this out there, to maybe find a place for that last little jigsaw piece for me to admit that this man changed my world and that that was ok, that he brought many things to me and that I was grateful that I found something with him~ cause that was significant to me. So maybe this is a tribute to that what once was, that's what my shrink once said I need to know that everything, even all the bad, maybe especially all the bad, had significance, was worth something, if it didn't, well I could just not live with that fact quite frankly.

It may not be important to anybody else, even to him, but it is to me and I need to be true to myself. I've let go of him, we both are very comfortable with each other now, things have finally settled down and an unspoken truce and peace now prevails. And for that I am thankful, i've needed to make peace with the fact that it's ok to “love” him still, I don't hope that things will work out, that's not it. I just want him to be happy, just like I know he wants me to be happy.

I will find someone again to love, I know that, but for now I am just happy to be at peace, not wracked with a desire to love again, cause love can bring the best and the worst in me, it's a all consuming thing for me~ to love, and I think I need a bit of rest before I can give all of myself again.

so for the last time...

goodbye my lover

goodbye my friend

you have been the one for me