Tuesday, May 20, 2008

to infinity and beyond



as you all know there are two certainties in life... death and taxes right?!... well this here topic of mine is the first of the two... have you ever thought about your own funeral?... i KNOW it's totally ridiculous and depressing and stupid...

but i have thought about it... needless to say i was drunk at the time but yes i have thought about it... and when drunk, everything seems less daunting, you're brave as hell~ so...a plan had to be made about this inevitability, why the hell leave all the arrangements to the scary oom at Avbob? (local funeral home)


my biggest fear of course... will people go to my funeral??


ahhhhhhhhhh your last moment of glory and nobody pitches... fuck that would be the pits... ok so my whole extended family will come... otherwise i'll haunt them i swear... so that's about 4 pews worth... then my friends... hmmmm another few pews i think... and then~ me in a casket??? oh man that is just gross! dead people really freak me out in a big fucking way...

so a good friend of mine and moi with the dutiful bottle of red wine close by... ok 3 bottles of wine later... came up with the idea of starting a business where you arrange your funeral before you die... mwhahahahahaha crazy right? but you know how many people have told us they would do it? scary and eerie all at the same time!!!...

so here is what i want for my funeral...
  • cremation... nobody needs to be there, really please please please just don't do that to yourself... and no ashes need to be scattered either... i promise you i'll blow right back into your face, so be warned!
  • no church service, and no dead body... that is really just snot and trane waiting to happen (snot and trane would be snot and tears for those who don't understand Boer)
  • there should be a short service out somewhere in a big beautiful veld, where someone, not necessarily a pastor should say countless stunning things about me... he can lie if he wants to but stunning and beautiful things he shall say :)
  • in the background Free by the lighthouse family
  • THEN the piece de resistance... hehe red helium balloons for everyone to be let go into the heavens... i know how very Mardi Gras of me...
  • and then the party starts... a picnic with wine and munchies and silly stories about the dead one... rock on baby~ rest in peace!

i know~ totally stupid but i would rather have that kind of funeral than the doom and gloom of a church funeral...


cool in a very weird kind of way, i know :)









24 COMMENTS....bite me!:

Tamara said...

What a fantastic idea - you'd make a fortune with your funeral company. People get to plan the send-off they actually want and it takes a huge load off the mind of those who are grieving once the person's actually gone. Let me know if you ever start it.

Polgara said...

When my Grandad died and we went through his paperwork he had organised and paid for his funeral in advance.
All that was left for us was to choose hymns and flowers etc.
I thought it was a very thoughtful thing for him to do, taking a lot of the stress away from the grieving children and grandchildren.
Pol x

BecauseIcan said...

I like your way of thinking batman!

Sign me up.. I want to plan my funeral.. I also want to make sure that those people who were absolute arsewipes when I was alive don't pitch and start caterwauling about how they will miss me.. for them i think we must attach rope to ankle and drag off in a hummer..

So do except postdated cheques?

sweets said...

tam: it's just a very difficult thing to get off the ground... i'll see although i doubt i'll actually do it :)

pol: that is sweet, very thoughtful man your grandpa ;)

bic: hehe good please forward your credit card detail!!!

kyknoord said...

I always wanted a burial at sea. I figure the fish are due some payback after all the sushi I've eaten.

c@th said...

sack! we are the same person whah! i want mine to be a riproarer, and i also worry if people will come hahah

The Jackson Files said...

Good lord. I haven't really thought about my funeral that much to be honest, however I think I'd kinda like them to play As by Stevie Wonder instead of singing any hymns.

Glugster said...

I always had two options:
1. Burn me. Couldn't care less what happens to the ashes.
2. Bury me in a cardboard box and plant a tree on top of me. I'm sure I'll make great fertiliser.

Tamara said...

LOL at Kyknoord!

Ja,what the heck, when you're dead you're dead.

ozymandiaz said...

I'm down with the cremation, likewise for me. No churches, no funeral homes, blah, blah, blah...
I actually won't give a shit being dead and all, for all I care they can drag my dead naked body through the streets behinde a train of clown midgets with everybody throwing stuff and spitting (this is actually pretty likely).
Least then someone will be there.

sweets said...

kyk: ok that'll be R10 000 please :)

cath: so silly of US to worry about that, not like we're going to be all heartbroken when we're dead ;)~

glug: i like that tree idea!!! LOL

tam: so glad that there's not an option to be alive when dead eh? hehe

ozzy: good grief dude, seems like you've done everything you can to piss everybody off that you know... that is one horrible description LOL... why am I laughing????!!!

Lopz said...

This is what funeral parlours do, make all the arrangements for your big day. Provided you contact them beforehand of course, or specify your wishes in a will. I just went to a funeral yesterday. Not cool. There's no good way to go about it.

sweets said...

lopz: i went to one about two weeks ago... i think that's why i'm thinking about it~ it was one of the most depressing funerals i've ever been to!

so you reckon AVBOB will do the red balloons for me? :)

Slyde said...

i am terrified of getting older... really. It scares the living shit out of me.

I think thats one of the reasons i refuse to grow up...

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Ahh, morbid, but realistic... you are funny though :-)

I prefer you alive...personally! hahaha

Sheena Gates said...

Hehe I did a post on this about a year ago. Funnily enough, Sweets, my funeral and yours would be strangely similiar!

angel said...

i don't think its strange at all! i have often thought of what i'd like my wake to be like.
in fact- we were chatting about it in the car on the way to the bush last friday.

nitebyrd said...

Hello, Sweets! I'm here by way of Sage. Nice to meet you.

Your funeral idea is excellent. Exactly the way I want to go. Who needs people peering into the coffin giving random opionions on how you look?

Lies, food and a HUGE party. Perfect!

I Smile 2 Much said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I Smile 2 Much said...

balloons, party time & wine! and yes those silly but stunning stories! but of course! ; ) i seriously like how u think! ; )

Southern Sage said...

mines already been paid for!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I planned my funeral years ago—so many years ago that I don’t even know where the plan is. Perhaps I should find it and attach it to my will.

sweets said...

slyde: LOL yeah i know the feeling but unfortunately that's not going to change anything :)

blondy: yeah i do prefer myself alive too, i have to admit ;)~

sheena: cool babe! we should preferably not make it a double funeral ;)

angel: you want a wake?? open casket?? really???

nitebyrd: LOL exactly!!! that is funny hehe

smiley face: cool, great minds and all that u know :)

sage: good grief honestly??? *sigh* this is SUCH a strange subject

Nick: mwhahahahahahahahahaha i think it's best to make a new plan and attach it to your will for sure, come to think of it, i think i should do the same :)

Ruby said...

i tend to sometimes think of my funeral....remember bridget did that interview thing with me about my funeral?? wait let me see if i can get the link.....found it!

http://living-bridget.blogspot.com/2008/02/if-ruby-kicked-bucket.html

 
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