mammography...

everybody calls them mammograms but they are actually mammographs...this was news to me...well all woman over the age of 35 apparently should have one of these done once a year....very noble of them....yikes...i've heard so many horrific stories of mammograms that i am...

scared shitless...

yeah...

just about...

apparently~oh my greatness ...they should rather have been called something like...boob-squeeza...tittsqueeza...nipple-buster...let's~ see~ how~ tough~ you~ gals~ really~ are...i've never had one done but all that i've heard is that it's just a bad experience all round...they compare a mammogram to pinching your boob in a refrigerator door...i've never tried this at home cause i am not insane ok!!!!...and i must go willingly and be kind and friendly to the radiologist who does this to me...and...and...and flippen well pay for the pleasure!...see my point!!...the procedure will cost me close to r700...lovely...like i can afford that...you know what i can do with r700...definitely not splurge on a mammogram...the "script" or instruction from the doctor has been lying on my diary from the 25th of july...i look at it every day but never seem to have the courage to go...phew...eina...it's gonna hurt...i wonder if they have a dd size...obviously they do...i know...i'm just looking for excuses and it seems that's the best i can come up with for now...why don't men have to go for shit examinations like this...we have to go to the gynae and for these tit-squeezing parties...hurl...they don't even have to go for a one on one...*giggle*...when they have their prostate checked...they just do a fucking blood test...totally and disgustingly unfair i tell ya...stomp foot...stomp foot again...

next week...

tomorrow will be my last day at work for a whole ass-slapping week...

yeaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaa...i will be lounging about with very little clothing on...next to a swimming pool...catching some shut-eye and drinking too many g&t's....while keeping an eye out for one of these beasties...living in south africa does have it's obvious advantages sometimes...ha...bliss...can't wait...will have to get myself a tan...i am scaring myself at the moment...the kid's have a school break so we will be heading for the bush for some peace and quiet...can't wait can't wait...la~di~da~di~da...my obvious good mood is due to the fact that kay is back from a 3 day school-camp...i missed him so much...but he's back...just spoke to him on the phone...darling boy...anyway not much to say today...will chat again tomorrow...

dyslexic lover...

it seems that is what i am…for the moment anyhow...how fucked up is that…i’ve paid a therapist quite a few thousand to help me…and there i get the answer all by myself…a light bulb moment…if it’s not that ~then i seriously wonder what’s up with me…without patting myself on the back here’s some honest good points that i can list about myself…so where am i going wrong…

i’m loyal, very much so
i’m honest and I expect the same
i don’t put people down, so basically I’m not a bitch
i like sex just about any time during day or night…borderline nympho…
i make a mean meatball dish…
i’m a very pleasant person…and i get along with just about anybody
i’m not stuck up
i’m not high maintenance
i earn my own money…dah
i love kids and they like me
i know how to change a light bulb and can use a drill
in-laws love me
i don’t snore
i drop the soap in the shower
i’m fun loving
i’m positive and practical
i can put down the toilet seat…
oh yes…i have a sweet ass…doesn’t get any better than that...and don't forget deedee...

so you see …that’s me…i’m perfect…well almost (mwhahahahah)…and yet there is something truly wrong somewhere inside of me…i don’t trust any man anymore…i’ve got all this good stuff to give (heehee)…and no man to give it to…and it seems i’m not even willing to try anymore…it seems that i can’t be fixed for now…i can’t seem to change the way i feel and act around men…i still have ~fuck you~ written on my forehead..and contemplating to have ~fuck me~ tattooed on my sweet ass…but…the big but…i look at a man and in an instant i decide that no…if i like this man…there must be something wrong with him…cause i’m inevitably drawn to the wrong type of man…so i just don’t try anymore…and that makes me anxious…i don’t want to be alone forever…it’s been two years now…i know i send out the wrong vibes…and men pick this up…mine is screaming…fuck you asshole…i know your type…and it seems that this is the way i will be, probably until i’m proven wrong…like that’s ever going to happen…i don’t give them a chance…i somehow must change my mental behaviour pattern and shit…my head and my heart is not in sync…at all…my body and my heart is singing (out of tune i might add) one tune…and my head…is singing a pure melody of quite a different kind…i’m must be a dyslexic lover… i’ve told myself that i’ve made enough mistakes…no more mistakes allowed in this lifetime…and i know this…and i know how unfair this is…but i just can’t get past it for the moment…i think i’m punishing myself…on a continuous basis…it wasn’t even my fault that my marriage ended horrendously…i should be sainted for all the shit that i took… maybe i’m just protecting myself…cause i don’t know how much more hurt this little heart of mine will take without being irreparable just about…forever...what i'm scared of the most is that i won't find that guy i know exist...the one that will make me feel loved the way i need to feel loved...

"...the big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure..." ~joseph cambell

sigh...so...the question remain...am i up for the adventure...to put myself out there again...to find a man that will find me irresistible...just the way i am...cause that's what i want...tall order right...cause that's how i must feel about a man too...he must be totally irresistible, not the sexy macho type anymore...something else...

girl power?

girl power...i believe very strongly in just that...society has "taken" some power away from us and it seems that some of us gladly give it up...yesterday i spoke to a friend of mine...her daughter is 6 years old...she will this weekend be competing in a freakin beauty pageant...i ask you...i nearly popped a vein...i don't know why mom's do this...really i don't...she was telling me about the new outfits she bought...and listen to this...how cute and sexy she looked wearing them...i almost yelled down the line...s~e~x~y...a six year old is not, i repeat not, supposed to look sexy in any way...for fucks sakes...ag no man...really...people are seriously fucked sideways sometimes...here's this sweet, innocent little girl...and she will be walking around in her sexy outfits...because her mommy thinks it's cute...and what happens if she gets second or third place...what do you tell her...sorry sweetheart...the other girl was prettier than you...exactly my point!...all little girls are beautiful beyond all comprehension...their innocence is precious...why oh why would you want to damage your daughters confidence in any way...why would you want to do this to your kid...it's just not right...it's actually sick and i hate beauty pageants for that reason...sure there are some super beautiful people out there...and if they are sixteen...maybe eighteen...and they are zit-free with a unquenchable thirst to parade themselves in front of the whole world...let them...but little girls should be protected from shit like this...what message are you sending your baby...what damage we do...let me count the ways...

please!

let me just say this...i love it when we kick ass!!...our little country beat the mighty english at cricket and rugby this past friday night and sunday night...i was so proud!....whoppeeeee...go boys go!...what got me was when we sang our national anthem at the start of the rugby match...every single person i saw sang nkosi sikelele iafrika...out of their hearts...it was so heart warming...to all that look at our country and pity us...don't...we've come such a long way...and we're going to beat the odds...watch...anyway...enough of that...i had a wonderful weekend...friday was fun...we were selling marbles...latest craze at school...and i just had to chuckle...these little kids came past our stall, inspecting each little marble like a pro...they reminded me of diamond dealers...holding the marble in the light to identify the little sucker...theehehheeehee...it was precious...another thing that was quite interesting was the fact that some of the older boys came around...obviously recognised jay...then shook his little hand in greeting...amazing...after a while i gathered that it's because he's such a pro with the marbles...figure that...respect....why do i find this so amusing while feeling oh so proud of the little man...nothing wrong with a good old fashioned handshake...charming...i thought...we made a nice little profit which had to be spent immediately at the nearest toy shop...sigh...after that the afternoon went slightly pear shaped...jay developed tonsilitis...arghh...sky high fever during the night...doctor first thing in the morning...one amazingly good moment was when i left the doctor's reception with a wave over the shoulder...toodledoo y'all...i had to hold myself back i almost skipped out of there...i was so happy...you see...dad (the dreaded ex) was paying for the visit and the medicine with his brand-spanking-new medical aid...hehe...which i will be using without cease...ahhhh...payback...you know i believe in sending out good thoughts into the universe...well today i want to send out the following single good thought...that the ex (bless his adulterous soul)...will keep his job...everyone i know...and knows him...also know (i know! giggle...that must be grammatically wrong...)...that a good solid job is n~o~t something the ex clings to...amazing isn't it!!...so i am shit scared that their predictions of him leaving his newly found job will come true...my best friend was saying like ten times over the phone this morning...you know he's going to leave his job...he's not going to keep that job...and what if the bad thoughts were collected up in a big butterfly net in the sky...huh...what then???...ahhhh...i felt like climbing through the telephone line and shoving the bloody words back into her mouth...but the negative comments just kept coming out too fast...have mercy...i know they mean well...but this new job will be paying the child support i haven't been getting for the last 8 months ok????... shees...nasty....don't spoil this for me...pleeeeeeeease....so for every person who said "he will leave his job"...i will say "he will keep his job" a million and two times today...tomorrow when i have more energy i will say it five million times...i sound kind of desperate don't i...oh well i don't care...i just want that freaking child support so much...i can taste it...

this is monday...i am really lazy...so excuse me if i can't produce much more than i have done above....yawn...will be back tomorrow...

long weekend! yeah!

i will be having myself a merry long weekend...jay's got a market day on at school tomorrow...and i have to supervise...great fun...can't wait...no i really enjoy these market days...the kids are way funny...they bring you 5c and then they beg you for some merchandise...i am known to feel sorry for everybody...so they come round more than usual...maybe i can even flog the those poor silkworms that's slowly starving at home...seeya monday...

coast guard...you gotta check this out...

kay and jay...

there will be much gushing mommy-talk going on here today over my darling kids...so be prepared...

i've talked lots about my eldest but have quite neglected my youngest...so it's time...i think i will stop calling my kids ~the eldest~ and ~the youngest~…they will be known as kay and jay from now on…much easier dontchathink?...anyhoodle…my kids are so great…they remind me of this of this every single day…in so many different ways…i have this habit of asking them casually (key) every day…”so how was your day”…and with this nonchalant prompt i get all the dirt i want…they tell me everything…the good stuff and the bad stuff…i have to sit with them when they bath…they like to chat then…even though kay is now 12 and discreetly puts his facecloth over his dangly bits because the dangly bits have sprouted some fluff and this is quite private…which is good…sigh…once again i will have to say this…he’s growing up too quickly!!!!....what’s so cute is that they both come and sit with me when i bath…i cover deedee for the occasion…and the bubbles cover the rest...and the first thing they ask is “…so how was your day…”like little grown up people returning the favour…and i have to tell them everything…"ok" just doesn’t cut it…one thing that i get to hear every so often, which i cherish so much is this...mommy you are the greatest mommy in the whole wide world...ah...i don't deserve it but i love it...say it again i tell them...say it again sweetheart! ...jay is such a complex eight year old…he unfortunately inherited his dad’s bad temper…and is known to punch anyone or anything close to him when he’s angry…the punch comes after the most awful furious-growly-scream you have ever heard…he’s got some issues…i had them checked out by a shrink…verdict…they’re both generally ok after the divorce…jay has anger issues…which sucks big time…so i’ve taught him some tricks in dealing with the immediate fury…walk away…for a 8 year old to follow these steps while blind-as-a-bat-furious is quite remarkable…he’s mastered that one, and i think that is quite something, there is always hope…i found him in my parents room one time…sitting all alone on the bed…he told me “i got so maaaaaaaaaaad at my cousin i just had to come cool down a bit”…i’m so glad he’s handling this anger…it’s not an easy thing…but he’s coping…this is one thing that i vowed to “change” in him…a angry child=an angry adult man=big trouble…otherwise he’s quite the social butterfly at school, according to his teacher he’s very popular…although he doesn’t seem to have that one great pal he’s sort of floating and it doesn’t seem to bother him ...so i’m watching silently from the sideline…he is so intense…and lovable...adorable...always busy...and loves to play...i have to send out a search party when it gets dark cause he will just play until the sun comes up, or until he's hungry,again...he is known to eat 5 slices of bread, one after the other...when he's hungry....and he loves his mommy very intensely, no half measures…i am smothered with hugs and kisses every day…both my boys will tell me they love me easily 10 times every day…i'm not bragging...but it's so precious, and it's going to pass somehow, so while i have these miracles in my everyday life i'm taking all i can get…jay still fits on my lap…which is such a plus…i can’t bear to think that i won’t be able to cuddle my babies anymore…i don't know what i would do without them...so i cherish every single day i have with them...

relationships with a divorced mom…

so I was wondering…this is not an offer…maybe it is…*nervous giggle*…nahhh…what’s the deal with single men and divorced moms…men seem to be very scared…strong word…but so freaking obvious…to get involved with divorced single mom’s…understand this please…i’m not looking for a guy to be the father of my kids…really they have their own dad…I’m not even looking for a full-time hard-core relationship….i want a guy that i can see every other weekend…maybe some in between…if we feel like it…no pressure…so the new guy can still go along his merry singlelish (new word haha) way…and we talk on the phone maybe every other day…go to parties…whatever…see each other when it suits us both…and of course have wild and wonderful sex as often as humanly possible…doesn’t that sound great!?…cause you see my problem is that i’m quite busy being a full-time single mom…and to have some bloke moving into my house…disrupting my life and harmony with my kids…they are not ready for that…and quite frankly…neither am i…i just want someone…but not full time….weird innit??...i can even throw in a ~fuck me~ tattoo on my sweet ass...hehe...it sounds perfect!...but it seems men can’t get past the kids…i come out of a very long-term relationship…i don’t plan to be someone’s wife soon…so why do guys think that after the first date i will be looking for a suitable engagement ring?...i don’t want that...i want someone that is mine but not on a full time basis…if we are still bonking our brains out after five years…still laugh at each other’s stupid jokes…sure, come meet my family…move your stuff over…but for now…the casual relationship could be perfect….the only problem i have with this arrangement may be that the guy will involuntarily (like men do…sigh)…feel the need to spread his seed beyond our casual relationship…i will probably have to purchase some device monitoring his sexual endeavors…beyond our own humping happiness that is…that’s another thing…way back when i was still available for wild sex without strings…ok that never happened…but I could have been that girl…apparently there is this nasty virus going around…maybe you’ve heard of it…hiv/aids…and according to new dating rules issued 1998: subsection 14... it’s apparently correct protocol to ask your new sexual partner to take a hiv test before you do the deed…right, like someone will have the guts to ask their new beau that…

sweet ass me: sweet sex pistol guy…will you be following protocol and have the hiv test done before you bang my brains out?

horny him: who me? i’m cool babes…come hither…

sweet ass me: …if you want a piece of this sweet ass…with my new tattoo...get the test…please…i really want to go yonder…

back to square one…i ask you…catch 22 indeed…

blushing babe...

that's me...i tend to blush easily...why oh why does it seem that all the quaint quirky imperfections were visited on moi...it's like when you yawn...then i yawn too...there you go....i just yawned...anyway....there must be some physiological way all of this work...some little shit part of my brain is mobilised within mere seconds to send litres of the red stuff to my face...this is so awful...but then i have this other thing that happens to me...drumroll...when i get really seething mother-fucking mad...or if i get really scared shit less...or if i am way nervous...the dreaded blotches appear...big ugly red blotches all over my chest and neck...oh.my.word...life can be very cruel sometimes...imagine me meeting mr oh so delicious over a drink...first i have this flushed face...and then the dreaded blotches...they vary in size...these little blotchy bastards...this is actually so scientifically unfunny ...so scenario x presents itself....nerves...scared...or pissed off...if the situation is really extreme...the blotches will be minute...small speckles of uneasiness...it looks like i have a hay fever attack straight out of hell...lovely...that's me...the blotchy one...oh yes i get all blotchy after really good sex too...all flushed and happy...so i can add excitement to my list...whoopy...i love me...never a dull moment...so when i go on a first date i will be the one wearing the poloneck...giggle...how embarrassing...and i get the dots when i do my monthly budget...yikes...

quotes...

i had quite a hectic weekend... no afternoon naps....it doesn't get any worse than that for me...so due to my lack of beauty sleep... and thus lack of imagination this beautiful monday morning...i will be telling you about this thing i have for quotes...

this "thing" is like love or a deep hunger that's satisfied when i read something i truly connect with...quotes are like songs...they speak to me deep down where my heart and my soul meet...i tell you if a quote spoke to me...if i get it...i can't stop thinking about it...weird innit...songs are like that too...music touches to me i a whole different way...i struggle to cry in general...but quotes and songs makes me cry...when i went to the movies with my friend once to see "in pursuit of happiness", a truly moving story...i didn't cry one tear...she was sobbing her heart out next to me...and i was passing her tissues...at a stage she actually said to me "don't you have a heart woman???...anyway...i only cry when i am deeply moved, sometimes it doesn't take much but other times it takes quite a lot...my heart is not made of stone...but i have glued it back together so many times that i guard it beyond what is probably normal...it's that letting go of power or something that scares me...to make myself vulnerable...and then to be hurt when you don't expect it...if a song spoke to me i will easily listen to it twenty times...and cry my sad little heart out...and be reborn somehow...so here are a few of my most recent quotes that spoke to me...and rocked my world....hope they speak to your heart too...

One man cannot do right in one department of life whilst he is occupied in doing wrong in any other department. Life is one indivisible whole. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

i stole this one from the sweet philip aka blue sloth...this one got me good...

Life's splendour forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come. ~ Franz Kafka

wow...

and this sweet little gem made me smile...most woman will get this one and most men will think that we pity ourselves...not so...we just know something you don't...

"...leave pretty woman to men without imagination..."

another favourite...

from the movie Robin Hood...

...you make the bees buzz in my breast...you bring springtime to my heart...

so that's my piece of wisdom and beauty today...hope you have a great week!

the tooth fairy...

my eldest lost his last baby tooth the other day...i still can't believe he is growing up so fast...he is such a kind and generous kid...at the indian party i got such a compliment...one girl visits my other friend quite regularly,them being family and all...and we were chatting about kids and she said that she's met this utterly uber cool boy visiting with my friend's son a few times...and she was going on about him having such a gentle spirit and how he had such good manners and how she was so impressed with him...and it turned out she was talking about son...how cool is that!...wow...i was blown away...i was so proud....anyway, so my cool boy lost his last baby tooth...and him being the sweet kid that he is when his little brother brought him his shoe to put the tooth in, he played along and made a big hooha about putting the shoe out where the tooth fairy was sure to find it...to his brother's delight...he's figured out the whole tooth fairy and santa clause deal long ago...unfortunately...but obviously still enjoy the benefits too...but having a little brother and lots of little cousins he plays along never giving them any hint...so i saw he was writing a note and putting it into his shoe...when they went to sleep...i quickly got the cash to put in the shoe...cause it has happened before that the darn tooth fairy forgot to put money in the shoe...unforgivable i know but it has only happened once...and his note read

..."tooth fairy: you can't afford to put money in my shoe...so 50c will do just fine..."

can you believe it...it broke my heart...so i gave him extra for that last beautiful baby tooth...just to show him that the tooth fairy can still afford it...he mustn't worry about that...just for his last baby tooth...then left him a message....

"thank you sweet child for giving me such beautiful teeth over the years...i still have every single one of them...and will treasure them always...i will miss being your tooth fairy so very much...always look after your adult chompers ok?...i love you so much...your tooth fairy..."

that child...he breaks my heart sometimes...it's the end of an era...

my forehead...and silkworms....

i am today totally convinced that i have f~u~c~k y~o~u written on my forehead, true as bob, everybody sees is but me...i don't know who wrote it there but it's obvious that the ink is permanent...lucky me...my boss asked my colleague yesterday why i was so irritated...i wasn't even aware that i was irritated...and when i was told that i look irritated...i obviously then became irritated...i am so predictable...don't tell me i'm irritated when i'm not, that really irritates me...ok???...so now i have a blank look that will make me look bored...maybe i should just stick with my fuck you face...love you...fuck you...whatever makes you happy...i aim to please after all...anyway enough already about the forehead and the hidden inscriptions... it's silkworm season...i don't know who breeds with these little creatures but every single year millions of them are sold in schools country wide...all of us bought a dozen or two ourselves in our lifetime...good times wasn't it?....needless to say that my son sold some of his much-loved marbles so that he could afford a family of silkworms...this year i have decided that they can die for all i care...cause it's always me who's faffing about the bloody worms...and then they die anyway...i go to so much trouble, i scout the neighbourhood until i find a mulberry tree...and then...we have to steal leaves every day...we sneak up to the tree and when someone comes up the road we act all innocent...the things i teach my kids...anyway~ the worms ~they die on me every year...i shudder to admit this but if they survive the stage before they spin themselves into a cocoon...i'm actually a very good person ok...but have mercy...weeks and weeks of stealing leaves does get a tad much....i then conveniently dump the poor cocoon in the dustbin...the kids don't care if they die of starvation...but i have this stupid little habit...i like to feed every living thing under my roof...the cat....i feed him...and he loves me for it...that i know...the kids are of course very irritated that the cat ignores them and can't seem to get enough of me...dah...i feed the fish...all four of them....they come to the feeding hole when i enter the kitchen...seriously...the kids i feed...nobody will notice if i don't eat for a week...i have to feed myself...all i hear is...mom i'm hungry....feed me...feed me....feed me now....dear sweet arsed mother....so i do...and i will be feeding the worms too...i just can't help myself...i'm a good person like that...oi...my sister told me this morning that her son actually named his worms...chuckle...chuckle...he is such a strange kid... he named them ...wait for this...ring...bracelet...rosebud...and angelina... how original is that!!... so i hope he will be feeding bracelet and the others some real leaves cause this auntie will not be feeding another household's worms too...i have my limits...

my wish list

i need to send this wish list out into the world...who knows what'll come back...whoop whoop...you never know right?...everybody is going on about positive thinking so being a proper people pleaser i jumped right on that bandwagon...so here goes...

1. 
   
   full time chef to cook me breakfast, lunch and supper...


2. 
   
   a king size bed... i currently sleep on 10cm of bed every night, two little boys climb in every single night, i don't mind...but i wouldn't mind a bigger bed either...


3. 
   
   proper digital camera...i love taking pictures...but for that you need a good camera...the ex sold my baby...dawg


4. 
   
   plastic surgery...new boobs and a new tummy...heaven


5. 
   
   a good man...i must find him irresistible in every sense of the word... i almost forgot that i want one sometimes....so out you go good thoughts of a good man, bring him right to me y'hear...


6. 
   
   i wish i could finish a marathon...that would be awesome...


7. 
   
   to go on a extravagant holiday...for like a month...even two...ok three months...deal...


8. 
   
   i want to own my own home...that sounds ridiculous to most...cause everybody does own their own home right?...wrong...with the house prices shooting up....almost double than it used to be...so i can afford half a house...and for some reason the bank or the sellers don't budge if i get all exited about buying half a house...


9. 
   
   a mini cooper...a red one or a silver one...convertible...


10. 
    
    i wish i could smoke with no side-effects...


11. 
    
    i would love a bronze statue of a my sweet ass...really...it could be quite fun...i wonder who will be brave enough to cast that mould! hahahahaha

i know this list probably sounds very lame...maybe it is....i don't really care....i would just love to have these things in my life...cause see i quite like my life exactly the way it is...but to have these things added would be a bonus...

i have really tried to be positive the past two weeks, saw a show on oprah that raved about everybody getting what they want...just by being positive...ok maybe that works in the good old us of a but here in africa things sure work differently...we live in a place called ~the~real~world~....i am just looking for trouble today...gotcha...anyway... "they" the powers that be tells us that we should verbalise our longings or wants or whatever...so if they say i must do this...i sure tried...and the strangest thing happened... ok first a bit of background... there is this terribly cute guy staying in my vicinity cause i see him every day... he walks wherever he goes...which is strange...but each to his own right...not that i mind him walking about...cause honey that ass makes me drool...really...the whole package is just perfect....let me just get a tissue for the drool...that's better...anyway i've been ogling him for like months now...just enjoying the view every time i drive past...and the other day i was thinking about all this positive stuff and i was talking to myself in the car...out loud...i know...anyway...i was sending out all of these positive affirmations like... see that mini cooper... i will be driving one of those babies...and see that beautiful house...i will own a house....and the next positive piece of happiness out of my mouth was...and i will meet this really great guy who will find me t~o~t~a~l~l~y irresistible...and at that precise moment i looked right at mr cuteness himself...how's that for a coinsidence!!!...phew...wouldn't that be great great great great great....maybe i should help fate along a bit and arrange a hit and run...whhahahahah...right...i am having enormous withdrawal symptoms right at this moment...hit and run...i must be loosing it one bit at a time...so mr cute make your move...i am ready and willing...i sound like a sixteen year old today...i sure miss smoking...

stop smoking...no problem!

i'm shocked...it's really not been so difficult...figure that? or i am probably still going on fumes from the leftover tar in my lungs...eish...i just hope it stays this easy... i was expecting wild eye jerking movements and such as withdrawal symptoms but yikes...nothing so far...why haven't i tried this before...i've been agonising for years and years about stopping and now whooosssh...no problemo...maybe it's still early days...after all it only has been one single day...must be...maybe i will be pulling out my hair in clumps by tomorrow...lovely thought.... i will be running extra for the next few months cause i definitely want to eat everything i see...my stapler looks quite delicious...oh boy...won't it do my sweet ass so much good to pick up 10 kg...maybe i can start eating my smokes in stead of smoking them...my coffee breaks are way boring at the moment... i actually just drink coffee... and that's it... i tend to agree that most people get personality with a smoke in the one hand and a drink in the other...not perfect i know i know....but fact...i went to bed at 10 last night cause i am a late night smoker...i miss the idea of smoking more than i miss the smoke...it's so much fun to smoke...i know to a non-smoker that's like total crap...but is true dahling...is true...it's like when i run...mentally i can't get myself to run further...my head keeps on telling me...oi you are so tired now you have to stop...right now...no right now!!!...so i stop....and my brain is telling me right now that i really miss my addiction so much....so much...so much... but bugger that i will stop this habit cause you know murphy and i'm sure as hell not giving him any satisfaction.... i will be thinking smoking free thoughts and getting a padlock for my fridge...

hi my name is bindi...

that was my indian name for our spring day party....bindi...bindi sure is a fun loving girl who drank way too much sangria and all ... we were given indian names to make sure that if we threw our names away, it wasn't our own ....that sure came in handy...it was hoodles and oodles of fun~! rani (indian name) my very good friend and her sister in law samia (indian name), us three took the indian theme to heart and talked the hindi indian talk all evening long, even this morning on the phone we just couldn't stop talking indian and all...hehehe...much fun indeed!

during the course of the evening samia and myself were chatting about smoking, which i of course do whenever i have a spare minute... her mom died of lung cancer about a year ago...and i had a moment of clarity in my drunken stupor...really it hit home...she herself was a smoker and after her mom died such a horrible smoke related death she of course gave it up... phew...i had a moment...and i got it...so i've given up my crutch...i'm walking around a bit wobbly today... but very proud of myself ... all of a sudden i'm very serious and all... oi... but i'm quite chaffed... for the first time i want to, and if you don't want to there is no way... so bindi made me do it...indian pride...

how cool is that!