dyslexic lover...

it seems that is what i am…for the moment anyhow...how fucked up is that…i’ve paid a therapist quite a few thousand to help me…and there i get the answer all by myself…a light bulb moment…if it’s not that ~then i seriously wonder what’s up with me…without patting myself on the back here’s some honest good points that i can list about myself…so where am i going wrong…

i’m loyal, very much so
i’m honest and I expect the same
i don’t put people down, so basically I’m not a bitch
i like sex just about any time during day or night…borderline nympho…
i make a mean meatball dish…
i’m a very pleasant person…and i get along with just about anybody
i’m not stuck up
i’m not high maintenance
i earn my own money…dah
i love kids and they like me
i know how to change a light bulb and can use a drill
in-laws love me
i don’t snore
i drop the soap in the shower
i’m fun loving
i’m positive and practical
i can put down the toilet seat…
oh yes…i have a sweet ass…doesn’t get any better than that...and don't forget deedee...

so you see …that’s me…i’m perfect…well almost (mwhahahahah)…and yet there is something truly wrong somewhere inside of me…i don’t trust any man anymore…i’ve got all this good stuff to give (heehee)…and no man to give it to…and it seems i’m not even willing to try anymore…it seems that i can’t be fixed for now…i can’t seem to change the way i feel and act around men…i still have ~fuck you~ written on my forehead..and contemplating to have ~fuck me~ tattooed on my sweet ass…but…the big but…i look at a man and in an instant i decide that no…if i like this man…there must be something wrong with him…cause i’m inevitably drawn to the wrong type of man…so i just don’t try anymore…and that makes me anxious…i don’t want to be alone forever…it’s been two years now…i know i send out the wrong vibes…and men pick this up…mine is screaming…fuck you asshole…i know your type…and it seems that this is the way i will be, probably until i’m proven wrong…like that’s ever going to happen…i don’t give them a chance…i somehow must change my mental behaviour pattern and shit…my head and my heart is not in sync…at all…my body and my heart is singing (out of tune i might add) one tune…and my head…is singing a pure melody of quite a different kind…i’m must be a dyslexic lover… i’ve told myself that i’ve made enough mistakes…no more mistakes allowed in this lifetime…and i know this…and i know how unfair this is…but i just can’t get past it for the moment…i think i’m punishing myself…on a continuous basis…it wasn’t even my fault that my marriage ended horrendously…i should be sainted for all the shit that i took… maybe i’m just protecting myself…cause i don’t know how much more hurt this little heart of mine will take without being irreparable just about…forever...what i'm scared of the most is that i won't find that guy i know exist...the one that will make me feel loved the way i need to feel loved...

"...the big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure..." ~joseph cambell

sigh...so...the question remain...am i up for the adventure...to put myself out there again...to find a man that will find me irresistible...just the way i am...cause that's what i want...tall order right...cause that's how i must feel about a man too...he must be totally irresistible, not the sexy macho type anymore...something else...