Thursday, March 13, 2008

death

that word makes me cringe... i'm not scared of dying... well i don't think about it much so before i get scared i rather think about something else... but the thought of one of my kids dying really totally scares me shitless... i really don't think i'll be able to handle it... never say never i know... but i don't think words can explain what a parent must feel losing a child...

ok moving on... i was the cause, or rather i could have been the cause of jay's death years ago... i never talk about this... nobody really knows the truth... cause basically i am so ashamed of being so careless, even for 2 minutes...

it really put things in perspective for me... how unbelievably fast things can change, how powerless we really are... how tears and regret can't change a thing... and thanks be to God Almighty that my son lived ~cause it could have been so different, and it would have been my fault... and that is even worse than death itself, knowing that it was your fault...

i'm a smoker... my ex had this thing about smoking... he was a closet smoker and didn't like smoking in front of the kids... basically he would hide around corners and such just so that the kids won't see him smoke... silly... so that is how this "incident" happened... i know he was going to flip his lid if he saw me smoking... so when he was taking a nap on a saturday afternoon i took jay, he was probably about 11 months old... outside through the back door... sneaking out, to have a smoke... i put him down on the grass and i lit up and was deep in thought dragging merrily away... i looked down at my son and omg... he had half of a mushroom sticking out of his mouth... i cannot explain to you the fear that gripped me in that second... the garden variety mushroom is highly poisonous... if you ingest the wrong kind you can basically die within minutes... so i grabbed my baby... grabbed my bag and drove like a bat out of hell to hospital... clutching my baby in the one arm and the remains of the mushroom in my other hand... we had to force liquid black stuff down his throat... that made him vomit repeatedly... but~ he was fine...

that guilt stayed with me, me wanting a smoke and not watching my child for 2 minutes, even though he was sitting right by my feet... i don't know... i just can't shake it... and i've never told anybody the real truth... i made up some sort of story about me putting up washing on the line... which is totally unlike me... but i did it, why~ i have no idea... i know i'm not a bad mom, but something that small could have killed my child~ because i wanted a smoke... oy

WHAT IF... that is what scares me most...

14 COMMENTS....bite me!:

kyknoord said...

More traumatic for mom than tot, it would seem - although it does cast a new light on the whole "smoking is hazardous to your health" warning.

Natalie said...

Thanks for sharing sweets, I am sure it must have been hard for you.x

The Jackson Files said...

God, I really feel your fear here, I'm so pleased that everything was ok in the end though.

supermom said...

It happens so quickly. Quintus was about 6 months old when I was sitting in a little kiddies pool with him. Somehow he had bent forward and his face just barely went under water. I didn't notice it straight away and what if I only noticed it a minute or two later. It haunts me to this day. So I know exactly what you mean

sweets said...

kyk: haha... very funny :)~

nat: funny thing guilt, doesn't really go away ~ ever :)

jackson: takes a mommy to know one right :)

supermom: just takes a minute... awful ;)

The Divine Miss M said...

Aww hon it's all ok so stop feeling guilty.

It would happen to anyone doing anything, kids are fast little buggers who are intent on putting EVERYTHING in their mouths.

*hugs*

sweets said...

miss m: they are fast, so true, i could lived with the fact that he maybe put a used stompie in his mouth (LOL) but a bloomin mushroom... good grief! thanks hun! XXX

Kerryn said...

Don't beat yourself up Sweets. You could just as easily been putting up the washing or picking up the dog poo or just spending some time outside in the sunshine.

It's probably the "OMG I WAS SMOKING" that really makes you feel guilty about it, and if you were doing something 'useful', you wouldn't feel so guilty.

But my point (and I do have one) is that you shouldn't feel guilty any way - you didn't force the mushroom down his throat - and alls well that ends well.

nosjunkie said...

wow close call....
I suppose it is an aunatural thing for a parent to loose a kid. when my dad died my grandad whent into this black depression sort of thing, became an atheist over night and since then you can kinna see how he has been going down hill.

Michelle Hix said...

You poor thing. I can imagine the image is hard to erase. Smoking isn't good for health but it is not possible for it to make you a bad mom.

M@ said...

You need to substitute smoke for sex.

angel said...

ag sweets... mommydom is far from easy! big hugs girl!

Sheena Gates said...

wow. this was a fantastic post Sweets.

What if's are always horrid to think about :(

Carolyn said...

heebee geebies at the thought!! We humans are so into cause and effect, crime and punishment. When I was in matric I convinced myself that my uncle died because I cheated on my boyfriend... there was no relation to the two except that they happened on the same evening. So silly when I look back now. eish.. i never told anyone that either.

 
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