Friday, March 7, 2008

Britain is reposessing the USA

i found this quite funny, please take note that we love you americans, we are laughing WITH you and not AT you.... got it ? good ;)
my favourite is number 15...
A Message from British comedian, John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of world population you should be aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1769).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen..
John Cleese

19 COMMENTS....bite me!:

Nebomax said...

Thanks! Needed a good laugh! Gotta love John Cleese!

Thanks for the nice comment... That also made my day.
Have a great day

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

15 is awesome.

they also need to learn the words:
*robot - not traffic light
*rubish not garbage or trash

Bridget said...

Did he really write this? I'm chuffed at SA reference if he did.

Erm, Exmi, robot is South African and retarded anyhow k.

Bridget said...

Just answered my own question

sweets said...

nemo: i know you're nebo... but i like nemo better :) pleasure!!

emct: yes!!! and a cart... it's a trolley!! LOL

bridge: i think it was modified slightly by a saffa ;) and i agree with emct, it's a robot woman! you seriously talk about a traffic light?? hehe


Lopz said...

I've seen this several times before and it kills me everytime ;-)

But guys, robots? You do know we are the only people in the universe to call them that, right? And I do understand other people's confusion, cos we don't actually have little remote controlled men standing at our intersections changing the lights, which the name suggests. I have to say, in this instance, I think us saffas are the mad ones!

angel said...

bucking frilliant!

Mike said...

John Cleese is AWESOME!

Too bad the Americans got their independence by war, and not by whining about it like Canada.

Because we Canadians have a "governer general" who is the "queens representative" (they are in brackets because it's a B.S. position and the monarchy is a bloody inbred joke) the British can TRY that with Canada (and SA and Australia and India etc. etc.)

The americans would flip Mr. Clease the bird!

Elise said...

Fantastic! I love it Sweets.

It really brightened up my day.

Rugby is a mans game. I don't think American's are man enough yet!


Anonymous said...

thats tff
but the reason there are no other people involved in the world series is because nobody else is talented enough to play baseball, the rest of the world has folks that run and kick a ball like doofuses!
And always remember everytime, ooops I meant everytime some one is beating the brits ass they dial 911 for the white house!!
It could just be me but any man who sips tea and eats biscuits, aww hell nevermind I already explained the calling of the white house!

sweets said...

lopz: i know... but it's a robot ok! LOL

angel: :)

mike: they would... just look at sage... he doesn't like this one bit... hehe

elise: oh yes, rugby... now that's a topic!

sage: *waving white flag* lighten up hun it's only a joke...!! ok just have to say one thing... rugby rocks!! you don't know the game so i'll forgive you your ignorance :))

Anonymous said...

I wasn't dissin rugby, I was dissin soccer!
I'd much rather watch goats breed than have to watch soccer, basketball or golf!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hmmm. I’m sure most U.S. conservatives would applaud that: they’ve said for years that they would much prefer of king/queen to a president. The problem is that they’d still have to deal with a parliament and they really abhor democracy in any form.


M@ said...

I'm afraid I don't understand. Does this mean we taxpayers here should close our bases in the United Kingdom and stop subsidizing their defense?

--Live from Washington, DC, the capital of the United States of Earth.

M@ said...

And, furthermore, we compose nearly five percent of the world population, not 2.8%.

I think even I would be planting IEDs on the roadside were foreign troops to arrive here.

M@ said...

But I quite agree that everyone should be required to drive German cars.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha bigg up on the german car thing sweets
Oh M@TIE dont get your nikkers in a twist

Tamara said...

Hehehe... expect site traffic. Every journo/English snob/anti-American in my address book is getting the link to this post!

Qing-jao said...

Good words.

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