The balance is lost

I don't know why but I am questioning all sorts of decisions and behaviours and needs vs wants and should I's and go away I don't want to look at your face kind of issues lately. 

I've got a sneaky suspicion that it has to do with the fact that my kids are growing up, no correction, are grown up.  Kev is in Matric this year, he just got his own wheels, do you have any idea what this did to me? 

For 11 years I was his mode of transport, everywhere, in the middle of the night, driving him and his friends everywhere because I just wanted to make sure I knew where they were, there I was, always on duty.  And now?  No longer needed, thanks Mommy, with a sweet smile, and that's that.  Now I am the parent waiting until after midnight becuase I need to know he get's home safe.  How things change.

Just today I phoned Kev to find out if he was home safe, just that, immediately he said, Mom you always ask so many questions....sheesh!  Lost for words I tell ya.

Raising kids have been a huge and difficult journey for me, for some reason nobody fucking tells you this when you start talking about babies, that this single thing will be the most difficult you have ever done in your life, that you will just never ever be the same again.  Sure, I know, lots of benefits, cuddles and love and laughter beyond.  But that's my point, for 18 years you are made used to that, the love, the cuddles, the laughter, all that squishy lekker stuff that no Mother ever wants to let go of.  And now, almost overnight, I am literally not needed anymore, not the way I want it anyway. And then, again, just like that, they fly off into the world, as they should, and it's just never the same again. 

It's as if those lovely special memories were seared into my brain, and I find myself going back to them more and more often, just to make sure I will never forget.  Because it was so damn hard, but man alive it made my life so worth while.  I will miss them so much, them sitting on my lap, wanting only me, just because I'm their Mamma. But I have them for 18 years, if they stay after, it's a bonus, if they don't then I've done my job and I must say they are turning out to be pretty damn amazing young men, thanks to the villiage that raise them with me. 

Shit, midlife crisis, I have arrived. Whoot!