that green lil' thang

jealousy~

Tamara was the only one that caught onto this, in my recent list of 8 random thing i mentioned that i didn't have a jealous bone in my body BUT a few weeks ago i said i was jealous in a post i did.. i was already thinking about penning this down anyway cause it sounds so ridiculously callous to say that i don't have a jealous bone in my body...

so here goes... let me clarify this statement...

jealousy to me is a useless emotion... i know people who get insane with jealousy about stuff, boyfriends, family, stuff stuff stuff... and i just don't get it... must be honest... let's take the boyfriend situation... SURE touch my man and you'll lose a finger in the process but blind ugly jealous rage... the bunny boiling type... not so much hey...

ok moving on... stuff... you have a gorgeous house and i want it!... again... nice house yes... yes i would love to have my own... but it's yours! you worked for it... so how on earth can i have sleepless nights about it?

stuff stuff stuff? jewelery... jobs... cars... argh same concept... i think on some level this is actually more a personality thing than anything else... some people just can't seem to be happy in life with what they have and whatever the Jones' have parked in the drive way... well fuck they have to have one too... and I'm not like that... so do i envy other people's stuff, sure who doesn't! but that nasty crazy kind... no!

in that post i referred to i said that if i had to be jealous of somebody it would be my sister... she truly has got her life sorted... she's happy, she's happily married, she's good, she's kind, she's generous... all good stuff... and i am so impressed by the fact that she has such a sorted life that i could be jealous of that... the concept more than the things she has... BUT of all the people in the world i want my sis to get everything she wants, cause she really deserves it, that sounds so lame right... but is true! hehe...

so that's how i feel about jealousy... it's a useless emotion that people waste a lot of time on... bottom line is...

if someone has a car you want... work to get your own one!

if someone has a house you want... work to get your own one!

if someone has the boyfriend you want... look for your own one!

am i wrong? i think not... so yes... ya'll shouldn't be so hard on yourselves... you probably don't have any jealous bones in your bodies either :)

splat

Kay's birthday is in August and Jay's birthday is in October... and face it, kids parties are expensive... so... i came up with a perfect solution... a joint party at a paintball place... yeah!!!

i was so excited... more so than a mother probably should be... first mistake... already egging the kids on the choose me for their side... erm... apparently nobody wants me on their side!!!

why?

maybe because the last time i joined in the paintball fun i ran around with my arms flailing while screaming like a girl... sigh... it was so much fun!!!... and funnily enough nobody could splat me... i was that noisy and that fast...

with that particular party, two kids didn't show, so batman and i looked at each other and i chirped... "I'm so going to shoot you batman!"... which i promptly proceeded to do... he had an ugly blue bloody shot on his stomach... hahahaha... fun!!! nothing like two divorcees settling some old scores eh?!

so, this year I'll be the one running around, arms flailing, screaming like a girl... outside the designated area... shit :(

God's gift to womankind...

listen to these podcasts... a guy in the States (Dimitri) asks a girl (Olga) for her number after making eye contact somewhere, Olga hands him her business card... here are the actual voicemail messages he leaves her (courtesy of 5fm) - check it out:

voicemail message number 1

when conceited Dimitri didn't get a call back... he leaves clever Olga another message...

voicemail message number 2

i just couldn't stop laughing...

in Dimitri's mind he looks like this :)

why?

i had a discussion with someone just now about the whole older woman~ younger guy vs older man/younger woman relationships thing... and we were wondering why is it such a huge thing when a older woman dates or marries for that matter a younger guy? very dodgy...

but when a old guy marries or dates a young chickababe it's absolutely fine... but let an older woman rake in a younger piece of deliciousness and well it's just frowned upon... be honest... everybody thinks that... but let an old, Viagra taking 70 year old guy get himself a young piece of ass it's like... acceptable!

how very odd

why is that?

randomnessness

the dreadful leez tagged me... to his defence he's a new blogger so I'll humour him... just because he's so damn nice... go check his blog out... OK read my post first and then go :)

OK here goes...

8 random facts about me (you don't already know)...

*looking out of my window thinking...*

1. i love thumb rings... nothing more random than that right?!


2. i eat my breakfast in the bath... is this strange? i sometimes find dried up pieces of corn flakes in the tub when i want to take a bath again...


3. i watch the Oprah show every day, i heart Oprah! what's the scoop on her and Steadmann, i really should Google that cause I'm dying to know...


4. I totally get immersed in The Amazing race... i scream like a hooligan at the end of every program... jumping up and down... scary actually... Kay told me the other day..."mom i can't understand a word you're saying, you are totally insane..."


5. i secretly would love to have 2 more kids, how insane is that?


6. i love piercings, if my body didn't reject my piercings i would have my eyebrow pierced in a second.


7. i don't drink vitamins, i hate vitamins... you didn't really want to know that did you... i know :)


8. i don't have a jealous bone in my body, i sometimes wonder why that is, not patting myself on the back here people, it's a random observation cause i couldn't think of anything else to say, it's number 8 after all :)

if you want to do the list... go... do it! and let me know of course so i can check it out :)

that stupid question

my best friend asked me the other day what the hell was going on with my love life? that's such a good question :) other than regular sex i can honestly say that I'm truly content at the moment to be single. is that strange? it's been a long road for me and it's been tough and doing it alone has been tough, i would be the first to admit that. but if i step back and objectively look at my life, well it's looking pretty peaceful at the moment. i have no drama to speak of, no incredible highs and certainly no devastating lows. cause for some reason that's been the pattern of my love life, drama, passion and then devastation. so am i going out looking to drag that back into my life? hell no~ I've made peace with the fact that my kids are for now my first priority. their lives have had enough trauma to last a lifetime. divorce can really damage people, messy words, dirty deeds, dark secrets that's supposedly hidden from innocent little children of divorce... well those nasty secrets has a way to surface regardless. we think the ugliness, the vicious destruction of divorce does not really affect kids? that's such a load of bullshit. kids aren't stupid. what effect do you think that last conversation we had with the kids have on them? what effect did that horrible Friday afternoon have on their psyche, that moment when we broke our house in two and told them that the 2 most important people in their lives didn't love each other anymore. that horrific realization on Kay's face will haunt me to my dying day. their desperate pleas for reconciliation. those haunting cries. make no mistake that divorce is brutal on kids, i truly think it's despicable and selfish. but it's life right? such a pathetic excuse. anyway, bearing all of this in mind I'm needless to say extremely wary to shake up their world ever again, not on my watch anyway. but someone to love will be great for them, some would say. sure it would. but what's the chance that will happen with the first guy i meet? so i don't get laid often, in the bigger scheme of things that's kind of a small sacrifice for me at the moment, i have to tell you. sure i miss having someone, companionship etc. but that will come, i 'm sure of that. I'm not scared that I'll never meet someone again, cause i will, i know that. but for now all my love, my attention and my energy has to go to them, i kind of think i owe it to to them...

happy :)

I'm officially one year old on Sunday~

in blog years that is :)

wow what a ride!! i feel all nostalgic, can't believe it's a year already! it has really changed me, that's a fact! So thank you firstly to all you sweet thangs for reading my shit so diligently, you make my heart go boom~biddy~bumm...

i heart you's!!!

I've also made a wonderful friend just by blogging... and her boyfriend ain't too bad either... he is actually quite a rock star :) other real life blogging hotties I've met... sheebalicious... and of course the bloggirls... all of these new people in my life... just by blogging :) not to mention all the blogs i read... you all rock my world :) gosh I'm using my smiley face excessively today... so do yourself a flavour and read my first ever blog post... and thanks to Philip, the sloth master, my first blog friend, who left a comment on my very first post...

i also share this celebration with Madiba, who's 90 years old today, amazing man who changed the lives of South Africans forever... happy birthday Madiba!

Stressed?!

firstly...you guys are so funny... i laughed my ass off at your comments... just to clarify:

1. I've bought a new tank, a new 60 litre square standard job... my fish have adapted splendidly, either they were very cold or scared shitless when i put them into their new home, they were literally paralyzed for about 10 seconds before they swam off into the .... i so much want to say sunset here... i do, i really do... but OK, they swam in to the corner... so i guess i stunned them... i have that effect, what can i say :)


2. i hate sushi... just the thought of eating my darling pretties AS sushi is almost too...*hurl*... much to bear! LOL

anyway... onto my stressed out post...

gotcha!... not so much stress ... so strange! I was unusually tired last night, my mind was racing, trying to latch onto that inevitable "thing" that I was worrying about... you know...

racing

racing

racing

nothing! my thoughts jumped around like it's done without cease for years now, cause there is ALWAYS something to stress about... but nada... nein... aikona... nothing! how odd... but how oddly refreshing i guess :) makes for a nice change... to be honest... the less drama i have going in my life, the better, so this people is pure utter bliss... i feel like kissing an elephant too, isn't that a cool pic?!

I've sorted out my finances (thank God), I've found a steal of a place to rent, the kids are fine, batman is paying, work is fine, 8 cigarettes a day is working like a dream, Polly Piet the parrot is loving me, insomnia disappears when i eat my banana every night, my mom is buying me a dishwasher!... so... nothing to stress about! my life is stress free, OK within limits, but that HUGE stress factor, that THING that can nag at you for days and weeks, i don't have one at the moment...

ain't that a nice change i thought... yes it's decidedly so, I'm stress free and loving it :)

scrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeech...

OK there's this one thing.... mwhahahahahahah just kidding...i honestly have nothing!

*sweets skipping into the sunset*

*looking for an elephant to kiss*

kick ass fish

didn't you know that fish kicked ass? wow you are so stuck in the '80's if you don't like fish :)

i read a post over at the Divine sleepy jane's about her new pretties... and remembered that i forgot to tell you about what happened the other day...

turns out i have porridge fingers, yes and having porridge fingers when you're cleaning a fish tank is probably not the best thing... so yes... i broke my 100 litre hexagon shaped tank... it's a heck of a job to clean that tank lemme tell you... i have cold water fish cause i haven't hooked up the tank heater yet and the fish tank does need a thorough cleaning about once every 2 months... so i pumped all of the water out... with the suction thing... and when batman came to fetch the kids for the weekend i asked him to please take the sucker outside so i could scrub it down ... all's well, batman does what he's asked... and leaves with the kids... there i stand in my pj's with the hose, ready to clean the sucker... but the tank in daylight shows all the yuckiness i didn't even notice inside... so i thought it best to clean all the pebbles too...

then...a super intelligent thought comes to mind...

put the tank on it's side sweets!!...

will work like a charm!!...

everybody can so nooooooooooooooooo right about here...

yip it will work like a charm if you want to break the damn tank... which i promptly proceeded to do of course...

ABSA~licious ;)

I've perfected the art of waiting into such a pleasurable pass time... i was waiting for my phantom credit card, it disappeared without a trace, and was watching all the customers at the bank... oh joy... nothing like watching unsuspecting people who has no idea that I'm totally scrutinizing their entire appearance...

while waiting I've learnt the following interesting things...

• the knee high boot is back, hmmmm not much a boot lover myself but it's evident that boots are back in a big way... luckily I don't care if I'm supposed to look like the chicks on the outside, the middle one is just more classical, i 'm sorry, I dress like the middle one... how very MILF like of me i know...





• if your toe nails look like this...(ok i've deleted the most hideous picture ever and replaced it with this more entertaining version, but trust me the pic i posted originally was spot on to describe the horrible feet i encountered :) but it was so gross that i took it off hehe) don't cue with other people at a bank wearing blooming flops ... wear shoes or for goodness sake amputate those toes... whatever you do.... just do something cause that's one word.... nasty! alternatively apply for a loan at the bank that you're queuing at and go to a beautician every single day for 3 months until people don't run away screaming when they see your feet ... seriously, that's just taking disgusting to a whole new level... another thing... if you walk around with feet like that don't be offended when i point to your toes and gasp (hurl also not excluded) ... cause i will...


• there is a disturbing amount of gay people about... I'm not homophobic, but still i noticed ... another useless tip: when you're a guy (not gay) and you dress like this, i will be convinced you are a homosexual cause face it, other guys don't dress like this... ever.


• having a hairstyle like this looks like its really .... *snort* really... tiresome... you probably develop interesting neck muscles to maintain "the look"... cause you have to hold your head at a certain angle to keep on looking that... perfect... especially if you are a teller at a bank... need i say more?

silent monday

lip service

i got my first lip wax yesterday...

i don't tweeze...

it's very painful...

and when i went to the beautician to do my brows i told her...

ffs just wax my top lip too :)

i really don't have an extremely furry top lip...

keep that in mind, but

I'm just paranoid because of two things...

i worked with a woman years ago, she was very feminine but that top lip!!! omg i had to physically restrain myself every time i talked to her...i just wanted to either touch that moustache or pluck it out... i could never figure out which...

and the second incident...

my horrible best friend was in a very playful mood the other day...

and in the middle of our chat said this...

so when are you shaving your moustache off?

i fainted of course...

so i decided (vir die wis en die onwis)... just in case... I'm taking no chances with this sucker!

pluck it!

beauty knows no pain and all that jazz...

so i was lying there and getting more worried by the minute...

that deep inner voice was bugging me...

oh shit sweets i don't know if this is such a good idea...

i, of course ignored that wise little voice...

i mean the hot wax was on my lip, what was i supposed to do?

let's just say my subconcious remembered an incident that i do my best to forget...

let me explain...

there is an Indian method of removing hair... with string... i know

weird right?

but it's amazing

it works

...

for other people!

i saw the technique done

then i wanted what they had!

i jumped in the chair and said

do me!

do me!

and of course they did me...

looked great

until the next morning...

breaking pieces of hair off was maybe not such a good idea

tiny little zits formed all over my brows...

(they did my eyebrows)

arhhhhhhhhhhhh the shame

everywhere i went

people would look twice and innocently ask

what's wrong with your eyes?

my standard answer after the 10th person...

fuck off and mind your own eyebrows!

ok so i never did that again

but now i tried the lip wax

not with string

with wax

omg

i figured the hair is physically yanked out right?

so no zits can appear!

big mistake

i feel like my top lip is on fire

or something

i have a sensitive skin but even this is taking it a bit far

i have teensy weensy little zits on my top lip now

i

am

a

sex

goddess... so sexy :)

oy!

huh??

as you all know i have two boys... I've picked up some useful information along the years that's made it easier for me to answer random question they ask... before my divorce, if i didn't know the answer to a question i asked batman to answer them... but... batman has flown the coop as we all know... so it's only me left... with the strange questions... and lemme tell you, kids~ especially boys, come up with the weirdest questions... a fine example, happened last night...

boys are in the bath...

mammmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... come here!

*i'm having my precious 6 o'clock cigarette*

sigh

yes, what is it?

come here mamma!!! *really anxious*

the following conversation then takes place...

kay says i don't have balls mamma! i do have balls don't I??

*me arching eyebrow*

kay you really need a good smack, don't you?

kay's laughing off his 12 year old ass... teenagers are SO much fun...

jay you HAVE balls, trust me on this, I've seen them with my own two eyes...

see there they are!

*pointing to said pair of balls*

*all eyes now on jay's "set"*

but Kay said...

Jay your brother is 12 years old... he won't be himself for the next 6 years... trust me on this, don't believe your brother when he tells you, you don't have balls...ok? I'm your mother... i won't lie about this... you have balls my boy, they haven't dropped yet... that's all... so they aren't very... visible... as yet... whatever you do don't compare your dangly bits with your brother at the moment... that would be just cruel... ok? your balls are just fine!!!

you're 8 sweetheart...

give it time...

i would be worried sick if you had balls of steel at this age...

ok?

*jay giggling like a little monkey* strangely satisfied with what i said...

ok mamma... cool :)

so weird... I've never said BALLS in a conversation so many times before.. :)

gambling

i don't gamble... probably because I'm not very lucky ... but one of my clients had quite an interesting (understatement!) gambling experience recently.... i just had to tell you about it!

it was her birthday, she worked hard that day (co owner of a pub) her husband was watching rugby all afternoon... and by 19hoo no birthday celebrations have ensued... so she told her hubby to put on his gambling shoes cause they were going to Monte Casino, end of story... they've never been there incidentally... they got there, the place was packed, basically they only wanted to have dinner and then head home... but it was so packed that they decided to gamble a bit first... so she got R100 voucher and there she was gambling along all on her lonesome, her husband got lost somewhere in the place... all of a sudden the machine she was playing on, died... with her remaining money!... she got up... looked for an attendant, nobody about... so she moved on to the next machine... there she gambled a bit more, her husband found her and they decided that they've had enough and left... she told him about the loss and that was the end of that...

3 days later her hubby gets a call from a "employee" from Monte Casino...

Mr. So and so... were you at our casino on Saturday night?

yes i was, why??? (now if you live in South Africa your crime antenna would be going off right about now)

Your wife forgot her winnings at the casino... when will she come through to claim it? You were driving a Peugeot, registration number XXX123GP... is that right?

hmmmm... slang in die gras.... now he's absolutely sure this is a ploy to hijack him...

he rang off and phoned Monte Casino directly, not the number the guy gave him tho...

spoke to public relations...

and so waar as wragtag... yes Mr. X your wife did indeed leave her winnings here, we want to also take you for a complementary dinner... when would you like to come?

Strange...

so they made an arrangement for that same night...

they got there...the PR lady was waiting at the offices... she said they're just waiting for another person to join them... he arrived... and said...

well Mrs. X... you've actually won a Golf 5 and R25000! the machine never died, it just shut down after the winning...

holy shit!

imagine that!!!

the machine she won on... bombed out... and they left... security then tracked them with the security cameras to the parking garage... got their registration number... and tracked them with that!

this is not an urban legend, it really truly happened... i know this woman personally, and i saw the forking car... it's unreal! amazing, heart warming story right?

sigh... maybe i should go gambling?!

negative

no~ i didn't go for a HIV test again... i'm talking about my bank balance... now this is a part of my life which i hate... it seems no matter what i do or that which i don't do... I'm always in the red... that means one thing... credit card and overdraft... argh... i hate it!

so last week i paid off my last account... AND i lowered my overdraft... AND i deactivated my credit card from my debit card... i know! aren't i such a responsible adult eh? ha!

btw~ that piece of meat has nothing whatsoever to do with this post... i just kind of drooled when i saw this pic and couldn't find a pic to describe the way i was feeling so i thought i would post the cowboy instead... isn't he just de~fucking~licious???

ok at closer inspection... he is extremely hot belly button up... with an abdomen like that he may need an emergency appendix opp soon...

erm... back to business...

i wiped away a tear when i handed the customer services clerk, Tebego, my Edgars card... he was very sympathetic and even offered me a tissue... bless his heart... then he phoned in my cancellation to head office... and Sue at head office wanted to talk to me... i know... weird!... Sue tried her damnest to convince me that summer is just around the corner and what the hell was i thinking by cancelling my account??

obviously they don't get many requests to cancel an account...

i know Sue... it wasn't easy... but it's the right thing to do... i think i made such a compelling argument that Sue will be closing her own account shortly...

i have no brakes when it comes to spending... so I'm forcing myself to spend less... cause face it, an account that you can use at different shops... lingerie, clothes, stationary (i love those)... shoes... home goodies... one word... TROUBLE!

so now it's cash or nothing...

yikes

i need a cigarette

oh shit

i have to wait another two hours before i can have one of those...

it's going well with the two hour smoking-thing btw...

*doing the sweetass jive*

have mercy

that's me

age about 3

i started young

no i didn't actually smoke at that age

my mom caught me playing with my dad's cigarettes

very cute right?

no it's not!

she should have given me a bloody hiding instead of running for the damn camera

that's what i think...

sigh

I'm trying so damn hard to quit smoking

i really am

does telling yourself that you have to quit 50 million times a day qualify as trying?

no it doesn't

the will is there

but the flesh is weak

it ain't easy

problem is i don't want to quit

and somehow my head is "right"

that makes no sense

wanting and not wanting at the same time

I've tried Allen Carr

i hate Allen Carr by the way

i just do

the man is delusional

so my next move is cutting down

rocket science i tell you... rocket science

one smoke every two hours

8h00 to 22h00

that's 8 cigarettes a day

i can live with that

just hope my lungs can too :)

bunking

ha... I'm off today!...

took the day off to spend with those two cool beasties...

i will think of you poor sods working...

while i spend money that i don't have...

ahhhh bliss :)

have an awesome weekend!

ride it like it's stolen... *

*(that quote i shamelessly stole)

sonbrilletjies

sonbrilletjies... oh ooooh... die glas is gekraak... remember that Al Debo song... ? hehe... anyway....

sunglasses :)
ain't that just the sweetest dog evaaaa??

i read a blog post on bangers and mash, lopz was talking about her new pair of sunnies that's skew... and it made me think about my own sunnies problems...

my process...

(the way i talk you'd think I'm an artist)

1. break old lovely adorable wonderful irreplaceable sunglasses...


2. cry for a week...


3. pull myself together...


4. start the sunglasses hunt...


5. cry for another week...


6. start hunting again...

when i at last have 10 pairs that i like, this is what happens:

1. put glasses on face


2. look in mirror


3. smile

then it happens...99 out of 100 sunglasses literally lift off my damn face!!! it's my ears... when i smile my ears lift... mwhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahaha how absolutely ridiculous but still...

1. smile
2. liftoff
3. not so pretty...
4. argh

so to find sunglasses that stay put on on my nose when i smile... THAT pair is a keeper ;)

pain

i have a migraine

it's pure torture

the pharmacy opens in an hour

another 60 minutes of pain

you know how pain can be described as piercing or dull or throbbing?

well this one is loud

the beast

oh my greatness... i have the mother of all PMS at the moment... I'm like a growling beast ready to decapitate anything that looks my way.... sigh...

so i thought i would entertain you today with yet another one of my most embarrassing moments... if you have time... hop over to slyde's blog... post of 06/26/08... his ten most embarrassing moments... good heavens people i peed a little in my panties... it's really funny... so slyde made me think... other than my "how are your neck" episode and my HIV disaster story, and of course my lesbian moment... this also makes me blush just thinking about it... luckily my embarrassing moments aren't so public (yet, touch wood ~ hug a tree) but this one... oh man...

i was pregnant with Jay... nearing the 40 week mark... huge as a elephant... i visited a friend of mine, waddled over the couch... one of those really comfy ones, that you struggle to get out of... now when you're pregnant, in my case anyway, hormones are not scarce... i ooze hormones when I'm pregnant... that said please note that i am clean... i bath twice a day... ok?! ... so there i sat... relaxing... chatting... laughing... and the next thing i see her dog in the doorway... his tail pointed up in the air... his ears at attention... his eyes about to pop out of his head... he smelled the hormone source~!...

oh my goodness... it was like a scene out of a cartoon... he couldn't move fast enough and yet everything seemed to move in slow motion... needless to say he made a beeline for me... or rather my crotch... and stuck his damn snout in between my legs and just couldn't be moved... so there i sat... huge... with a damn dog stuck between my legs! my friend was paralyzed with laughter... so needless to say she didn't do a damn thing to get the dog off me... and as much as i pulled... he pushed... good grief... it was horrible... horrible... so if i see a dog now i cross my legs just in case :)

so there... if you see a pregnant woman and you own a dog... keep them apart for Pete's sake!