blow jobs...

before i do my post i just want to clarify something...i like the fact that i can write about everything that is me...i'm a woman...a mother...a daughter and a friend...all of that makes me who i am...so if i choose to write about bj's then i'm not trying to shock anyone or whatever...i just wanted to write about it...ok?...ok!

yeah you read right…blow jobs…this is quite a no-no subject i presume but what the hell…i have told no one i know that i have a blog…precisely for this reason…i can write about anything and nobody will be shocked…i was thinking about blow jobs when i was lying in a warm tub of bubbles sipping on my g&t last night…that just sounds wrong…hmmm….let me rephrase…i was thinking that my skills…practiced and perfected…are going to waste…there~ i said it…i am the blow job queen and this is a very sad state of affairs…so if you are perv and want to jerk off while reading this…move along…so back to the bj’s…everybody says sex is like riding a bike…you just get back in the saddle and there you go…great in theory but unfortunately riding a bike and having sex is really just not the same thing…really…and having sex and having great sex are two different things too…having great sex comes with practice…lots and lots of that… and giving a mind boggling bj requires technique…and being the queen that I am…i fear that when I jump back in the saddle i would have reverted back to entry level sex…and that sucks…no pun intended…so anyway…that’s that…

guys don’t know that us girls do in fact converse extensively about sex…i think if anyone listened in to a recent conversation with my best friend…please take note we are both straight…they simply just would not have believed it…i have turned into my best friend’s sex counselor…whenever she has a problem we take the whole problem apart and discuss various hilarious ways of fixing the problem…to the extent that she one day called me and said that we have to stop discussing her sex life cause she actually thought of me when she was having sex…trying out one of my suggestions…haha…we’re still straight…i told her to stop thinking too much when she’s getting it and to concentrate on the job at hand…giggle …another friend was also having problems…major marital shit was more like it…and she is unfortunately one of those girls…she does not like sex…which sucks big time…i was really trying to help her and gently asked if she has considered oral sex…it’s quite handy if you’re not really in the mood (which she never is) and boy it’s all a guy apparently needs to afterwards fall into a deep sleep…she nearly had a hissy-fit at the mere suggestion that she should give her poor husband a blow job…i then felt quite the whore to have even suggested it…how unfair is that…her husband just loves her to bits and obviously he just can’t get enough of her…and what does she do…she cringes at the thought of sex…unfucking-believable…anyway…good luck to her…i did my best…so that’s my take on blow jobs and oral sex and great sex…i’m currently missing out big time…come to think of it…someone else is also missing out big time…sigh…so that wasn’t a total perverted post now was it!

dyslexic lover...

it seems that is what i am…for the moment anyhow...how fucked up is that…i’ve paid a therapist quite a few thousand to help me…and there i get the answer all by myself…a light bulb moment…if it’s not that ~then i seriously wonder what’s up with me…without patting myself on the back here’s some honest good points that i can list about myself…so where am i going wrong…

i’m loyal, very much so
i’m honest and I expect the same
i don’t put people down, so basically I’m not a bitch
i like sex just about any time during day or night…borderline nympho…
i make a mean meatball dish…
i’m a very pleasant person…and i get along with just about anybody
i’m not stuck up
i’m not high maintenance
i earn my own money…dah
i love kids and they like me
i know how to change a light bulb and can use a drill
in-laws love me
i don’t snore
i drop the soap in the shower
i’m fun loving
i’m positive and practical
i can put down the toilet seat…
oh yes…i have a sweet ass…doesn’t get any better than that...and don't forget deedee...

so you see …that’s me…i’m perfect…well almost (mwhahahahah)…and yet there is something truly wrong somewhere inside of me…i don’t trust any man anymore…i’ve got all this good stuff to give (heehee)…and no man to give it to…and it seems i’m not even willing to try anymore…it seems that i can’t be fixed for now…i can’t seem to change the way i feel and act around men…i still have ~fuck you~ written on my forehead..and contemplating to have ~fuck me~ tattooed on my sweet ass…but…the big but…i look at a man and in an instant i decide that no…if i like this man…there must be something wrong with him…cause i’m inevitably drawn to the wrong type of man…so i just don’t try anymore…and that makes me anxious…i don’t want to be alone forever…it’s been two years now…i know i send out the wrong vibes…and men pick this up…mine is screaming…fuck you asshole…i know your type…and it seems that this is the way i will be, probably until i’m proven wrong…like that’s ever going to happen…i don’t give them a chance…i somehow must change my mental behaviour pattern and shit…my head and my heart is not in sync…at all…my body and my heart is singing (out of tune i might add) one tune…and my head…is singing a pure melody of quite a different kind…i’m must be a dyslexic lover… i’ve told myself that i’ve made enough mistakes…no more mistakes allowed in this lifetime…and i know this…and i know how unfair this is…but i just can’t get past it for the moment…i think i’m punishing myself…on a continuous basis…it wasn’t even my fault that my marriage ended horrendously…i should be sainted for all the shit that i took… maybe i’m just protecting myself…cause i don’t know how much more hurt this little heart of mine will take without being irreparable just about…forever...what i'm scared of the most is that i won't find that guy i know exist...the one that will make me feel loved the way i need to feel loved...

"...the big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure..." ~joseph cambell

sigh...so...the question remain...am i up for the adventure...to put myself out there again...to find a man that will find me irresistible...just the way i am...cause that's what i want...tall order right...cause that's how i must feel about a man too...he must be totally irresistible, not the sexy macho type anymore...something else...

relationships with a divorced mom…

so I was wondering…this is not an offer…maybe it is…*nervous giggle*…nahhh…what’s the deal with single men and divorced moms…men seem to be very scared…strong word…but so freaking obvious…to get involved with divorced single mom’s…understand this please…i’m not looking for a guy to be the father of my kids…really they have their own dad…I’m not even looking for a full-time hard-core relationship….i want a guy that i can see every other weekend…maybe some in between…if we feel like it…no pressure…so the new guy can still go along his merry singlelish (new word haha) way…and we talk on the phone maybe every other day…go to parties…whatever…see each other when it suits us both…and of course have wild and wonderful sex as often as humanly possible…doesn’t that sound great!?…cause you see my problem is that i’m quite busy being a full-time single mom…and to have some bloke moving into my house…disrupting my life and harmony with my kids…they are not ready for that…and quite frankly…neither am i…i just want someone…but not full time….weird innit??...i can even throw in a ~fuck me~ tattoo on my sweet ass...hehe...it sounds perfect!...but it seems men can’t get past the kids…i come out of a very long-term relationship…i don’t plan to be someone’s wife soon…so why do guys think that after the first date i will be looking for a suitable engagement ring?...i don’t want that...i want someone that is mine but not on a full time basis…if we are still bonking our brains out after five years…still laugh at each other’s stupid jokes…sure, come meet my family…move your stuff over…but for now…the casual relationship could be perfect….the only problem i have with this arrangement may be that the guy will involuntarily (like men do…sigh)…feel the need to spread his seed beyond our casual relationship…i will probably have to purchase some device monitoring his sexual endeavors…beyond our own humping happiness that is…that’s another thing…way back when i was still available for wild sex without strings…ok that never happened…but I could have been that girl…apparently there is this nasty virus going around…maybe you’ve heard of it…hiv/aids…and according to new dating rules issued 1998: subsection 14... it’s apparently correct protocol to ask your new sexual partner to take a hiv test before you do the deed…right, like someone will have the guts to ask their new beau that…

sweet ass me: sweet sex pistol guy…will you be following protocol and have the hiv test done before you bang my brains out?

horny him: who me? i’m cool babes…come hither…

sweet ass me: …if you want a piece of this sweet ass…with my new tattoo...get the test…please…i really want to go yonder…

back to square one…i ask you…catch 22 indeed…

Wednesday?!!

be warned: i am not myself today... not my usual type of post ... ok?

i can't friggin believe it's only wednesday today... sheish... today i hate my job, hate my boss, hate the freekin chair my sweet ass is sitting on.... oh ok *light bulb moment*... i think i'm sexually frustrated.... i sit here shaking my head at myself.... fucking hate that too... if the whole natural world is having sex why the hell am i left behind.... it sucks, big time, i should not talk about sucking, cause remember i'm fucking frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!! the puns are not intended, but it's just flying all over the place... by itself... i obviously have nothing to say in that department... i'm really not a nice person today, so unlike me (remember sunflowery person=me)...

anyhow, i should get over my horniness (i know that sentence and that word just look all wrong and was used totally and utterly wrong but i'm too bloody irritated to change it ok???!!!) have you ever thought of all the words that suggest being horny... let's try... like thinking of words about sex is anything like sex... fuck.... maybe i should just get myself a one night stand and feel better... problem is i am wayyyyy not into one night stands.... for some unfathomable reason i.... drum roll.... don't take sex lightly.... big mistake i know... anyway back to the words... hehe this is gonna be fun....

horny... not in the dictionary... promise

jags... afrikaans word... i love that word, i'm so common today....

why can i only think of two words... strange....

jimpels... another afrikaans one, don't exactly know what it means but i can just imagine....

it was a good idea but i can't for the life of me think of other words... anyway that's that for my stupid little game... i'm really not myself today, a little afternoon shag could change all that...i think i've said enough.... yeah right like that's gonna happen.... roger that....

boys & their toys!

this is what happens in my house every night... we get home, homework already finished at ouma's house (thanks ouma i don't know what i would do without you!!!) then we have supper, and then we flop down for our line-up on tv... our line-up is just ours, me and my 2 boys, our little inner circle-activity. well, no problem so far, my problem comes in when every night, after about 10 minutes of watching tv my two boys do the same thing, their hands inevitably find their way into their pj's!!! wtf??? i work hard to maintain a open relationship with them with regards to sex and such but what do i do with this??? there is no hubby i can poke in the ribs and point... i've told them no no no my darling, don't do that, if you absolutely have to do this (haha they obviously do) go to the bedroom or somewhere private ok? "ok mommy" they solemnly reply, and tomorrow night... same thing! then i've tried to joke about the "problem" but now it turns out that they find it absolutely hilarious, i must admit it is really funny, shame these small little willies get with the action, and then they jump to attention, then my 7 year old must show mommy what his willy's up to (excuse the pun)... and i'm supposed to keep a straight face! it seems all men from the youngest of them always will have this fascination with their tools, girls don't have this do they? scary stuff being a parent. one good thing is that my eldest does not have a problem talking to me about anything, we've discussed it all, wet dreams, boner's, blow job's everything, you may think i'm too liberated but let me tell you, if you don't tell your kid about this stuff, someone else will, i opted to rather tell him myself